I recently lost what I thought to be a good friend from my life. Not by an actual death per se, but a death by ghosting, where the final words I received after months of silence were “I’m done, Andrew. I wish you well.” I have struggled immensely with this loss, because at one point, this friend was also the subject of one of my Grateful Heart Monday entries, someone I truly was thankful for being a close part of my life.
This friend was someone I spent one evening with almost every week throughout the entire pandemic. We usually had a movie or tv night where we tended to delve into some science fiction, fantasy, or superhero type of thing, something we both were really into. We usually gorged on some type of fast food and always had a sweet treat on hand as well to carve out each of those evenings. What I liked best about this friend was that it wasn’t based upon physical attraction, it was just a true friendship founded upon some similar interests, one that initially began with a mutual like of superheroes and comic books.
If you’ve ever watched the tv show, Mystery Science Theater 3000, a series about a man and his robot companions that watched B-movies and made fun of them to pass the time by, that indeed would be the closest comparison to how much of my evenings with this friend were like. We often laughed so hard at the insanity of some of the things we watched that I left for home at the end of the night with my facial muscles hurting quite a bit.
The how and why this friendship ended seems so silly now. It all started when I completely forgot to call my friend on Thanksgiving Day to wish them a happy one. I was away on travel at the time in Savannah, Georgia with my partner for a vacation and a wedding we attended. When I finally remembered, we were on our drive home the next day. I quickly dialed them as soon as I realized my mistake and got their voicemail. I proceeded to leave them a message saying I was sorry for forgetting and hoped they had a great holiday. I didn’t hear back from them that day like I usually would via text messages anytime I ever left them voicemails prior. I texted them the next day as I was concerned and asked if they had gotten my voicemail, how their Thanksgiving was, and if they were ok. Their response was brief and felt rather cold. They said they got my message and was busy with their kids on travel seeing their family and they’d get back to me when they returned. They didn’t ask how my Thanksgiving was or my vacation, which I found odd. After asking them why, it began a series of text messages that spiraled totally out of control with us going into separate corners. The last full text I got from them said they needed a break from hanging out, not permanently, but just for the moment. With the stress they’d been facing in a rough divorce and financial issues, I understood and responded that we should take the month of December off and regroup in January. I wished them a Merry Christmas and Happy New Year and asked them to contact me after the holiday season was over. My intentions were pure, as I really didn’t want to add any further stress to their plate and I thought a decent break would help ease any tensions between us. Sadly, I never heard back from them after the holidays though. Another month and a half would pass after that. I didn’t reach out because I truly thought maybe they needed more time. I honestly wanted to do the opposite of what I usually tend to do, which was to try to fix things.
In mid-February, I began watching Ted Lasso, a show on Apple+ streaming, something they incessantly told me I should watch with the thought that it would uplift me. I kept refusing to give the show a chance and it became a running joke every time I left their house, that I should go home and start watching it. I’m glad I finally did because it moved my heart tremendously, enough so that I opted to finally email them and thank them for the suggestion. I followed that the next day asking them if they wanted to reconnect or if they had moved on. I waited a week for a response and decided to message them one final time, as I honestly didn’t want the friendship to end. Sadly, the response I got the next day was the title of today’s entry.
I spent a number of weeks fluctuating between anger and sadness over this. I beat myself up thinking I caused it, but eventually forgave myself saying I did my best. Frankly, I’m not sure if I’ll ever understand why something so trite was enough to end what I thought to be a close friendship. Heck, at one point, they even told me they considered me their closest friend. I don’t take things like that lightly. Regardless, it’s over now and time for me to move on, knowing that friends come in our lives for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. I’m thankful I had a few seasons with this friend, as they were truly fun to be around, often lifting me up when I really needed it. I learned a lot from this friendship and feel much freer sharing my heart about it with all of you as I say goodbye to someone I care about and probably always will…
Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson
