In the past two weeks, I was contacted by two separate individuals who both identify themselves as alcoholics, each having struggled massively with their addiction for a very long time and each being people I’ve attempted to bring through the 12 Step program. In both cases, they contacted me during a relapse, where they were severely drunk and reaching out in pain. If there’s one thing I’ve absolutely learned in my recovery from alcohol and drug addiction, it’s that you can’t ever talk successfully about recovery with anyone while they are actively drinking or drugging.
Anytime I’ve ever tried to seriously communicate with someone about 12 Step recovery while they were under the influence of alcohol or drugs has always been met with either “woe is me’s”, profuse anger, or “I just don’t know what to do anymore.” Trying to talk anyone down off a drunken or high ledge is impossible, believe me I’ve tried repeatedly over the years only to become toxically drained in the process. There really is only one way a person can ever successfully communicate recovery from an addiction to another individual and it’s when they are sober.
That being said, when the first individual reached out during their relapse, I was with some friends in the middle of playing cards. They texted me repeatedly about how messed up they were and wanted to know what to do. I told them to reach out to me the next day and we could talk through it then, but they pleaded for an immediate answer of what to do. I told them if they wanted to get sober, the only thing they could do was check themselves into a detox or some place that could handle their relapse. Their response was one word, “Thanks.” I could tell they were mad, but I knew there was nothing more I could do at that point. I never did hear back from them after that and even tried to reach out several days later to make sure they were ok. I could tell on Facebook though they were by their postings, yet why they didn’t call me back was one simple reason. The only reason they reached out to me during their relapse was that they were looking for someone to rescue them from their addiction. I will NOT do that anymore because I’ve learned it only causes both them and me greater harm than good.
Having learned this invaluable lesson through prior failures really helped when that second individual reached out to me. They were holed up in a hotel drinking profusely alone. As I listened to them cry, I felt compassion for them, yet I also saw how insidious their disease was. They had thought the night prior that going to a pool hall where alcohol was served with someone they were attracted to, someone who was also newly sober, was a good thing to do. Of course, it wasn’t, because as soon as the other individual went into relapse mode, so did they, hoping to impress. The dominoes quickly fell after that, leading me to receive their very sorrow-filled call the next day with them still in full-blown relapse. My only words were that I cared about them, that I loved them, that I would help them once they got sober, and to call me once they did.
Many might think I didn’t do enough with either of these cases of individuals in full-blown relapse, but here’s the harsh reality. Parents and friends often try to rescue and save their loved ones during their relapses, only to be sucked into a vortex of lies, manipulation, despair, and hopelessness. The fact is…I’ve never been successful talking to anyone who had relapsed and was presently drunk or high. The only solution I’ve ever found to be successful in such cases was to lead them back to Step 1, something they have to do for themselves.
Until a person stops drinking and drugging and remembers that they are powerless over their addiction and their life is unmanageable, they won’t want any help you try to offer. Attempting to do so anyway is only going to lead to a futile effort, one that could very well drag you down along with them…
Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson
