Silly Joke #1
A missionary, in Africa, was out taking a walk in the jungle. Suddenly, he heard a noise from the brush in front of him. It was a lion. He started to back up and heard a noise from behind. Sure enough, it was another lion. He looked to his left and then to his right. You guessed it, lions were on both sides. It looked grim, so the missionary sat down where he was and started to read his Bible. Shortly after he started reading, the lions jumped the missionary and ate him. The moral of this story: Never read between the lions.
Silly Joke #2
Halfway through dinner one night, our friend told us of his days playing football in college as a defensive lineman. “Did you play sports in college,” his beautifully blonde wife then asked me. “Yes,” I answered. “I was on West Point’s shooting team.” “That’s great,” she said, appropriately impressed. “Offense or defense?”
Silly Joke #3
15 Things to do at Wal-mart to pass the time by and have some fun…
1. Get boxes of condoms & randomly put them in peoples’ carts when they aren’t looking.
2. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at 10-minute intervals.
3. Make a trail of orange juice on the floor going into the rest room.
4. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone, ‘I think we have a code 3 in housewares,’ and see what happens.
5. Ask the customer service desk if you could put some M&M’s on layaway.
6. Move a “CAUTION WET FLOOR” sign to a carpeted area.
7. Set up a tent in the camping department, tell others you’ll only invite them in if they bring pillows from the bedding department.
8. When someone asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask, ‘Why won’t you people leave me alone!’
9. Look right into a security camera and use it as a mirror while you pick your nose.
10. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from ‘Mission Impossible.’
11. While handling guns in the hunting department ask the clerk if he knows where you can find some anti-depressants.
12. Grab some pajamas in the clothing department, put them on in the dressing room and walk around (although this one may not work well since you might find others there are already wearing pajamas too!)
13. Hide in the clothing rack and when people browse through whisper ‘PICK ME! PICK ME!!!!!’
14. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker assume the fetal position and scream ‘NO! NO! It’s those voices again!’
15. Go to the fitting room and yell real loud…..’Hey we’re out of toilet paper in here!’
Bonus Silly Joke
9 dangerous words in your relationship that your partner may say to you…
(1) “Fine” – This is the word uses to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
(2) “Five Minutes” – If they are getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to enjoy what you are doing before you have to help around the house.
(3) “Nothing” – This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end with (1) being spoken.
(4) “Go Ahead” – This is a dare, not a permission. Don’t Do It!
(5) “Loud Sigh” – This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood. A loud sigh means they think you are an ass and wonder why they are wasting their time standing there and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to (3) for the meaning of nothing.)
(6) “That’s Okay” – This is one of the most dangerous statements made. That’s okay means they want to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
(7) “Thanks” – You are actually being thanked! Do not question or faint. Just say you’re welcome. (But if they say, “Thanks a lot” – that is pure sarcasm and they aren’t thanking you at all. In this case never say “You’re welcome”, as that will bring on (8).
(8) “Whatever” – This is just another way of saying, “Go to hell.”
(9) “Don’t worry about it, I got it” – This means they have asked you to do something several times but are now doing it themselves. It’s usually followed by silence later by them and if you ask them, ‘What’s wrong?’, refer to (3) as that is the answer you’ll get.
Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson
