There was something I was going through this past month that I haven’t been writing or talking about with the masses because it wasn’t my story to tell. My partner Chris was offered a position in Florida that would have truly been an amazing step up from the one he currently holds in his present field of expertise. The job offer came just prior to our 10th anniversary vacation to Cozumel, one I was so excited for, prompting us to cancel our trip so we could reroute to Tampa to check out the area and the potential position. After the trip ended, Chris had fully accepted the new job, immediately thrusting our lives forward on a new trajectory, one that would have had me living for a good while here in Toledo alone, while Chris worked the new job in Florida, as financially we realized it wasn’t going to be possible to have us both starting out this new life there together. While that path recently dried up with Chris choosing to remain in Toledo for a number of reasons, I learned a lot about myself over these past four weeks.
The biggest thing I learned through all of this is that I still have significant codependency issues. Honestly, I cried a lot over these past four weeks with the notion of having to remain here in Chris’s home in Toledo by myself for an indefinite period of time. I never wanted to move to Toledo in the first place, as I’m an East-Coaster tried and true. I only came here because I wanted to develop a relationship with a person I fell in love with and was willing to give up what life I had in Boston to explore that. I’ve had that now for over eight years, so the thought of remaining here where I had very little friends and connection overall and have received more rejection than acceptance led to a great amount of daily sadness within. In addition, living with the amount of physical, mental, and emotional pain I go through on most days, I’ve had to lean quite a bit on Chris at times just to make it through those hard days. I’m not proud of that fact, because for the longest of time, I was extremely independent and lived quite comfortably without the need of anyone’s help. Thus, the idea of having a life in Toledo alone and Chris a life elsewhere, where we agreed we’d only be able to see each other for about a week a month was ultimately very depressing for me.
The other thing I learned during this period of unknowingness is how much my former addictive life is still affecting me today. Life in Tampa, and in Florida in general, is far more expensive than life here in Toledo. With rents being upwards of $2200 a month for a decent place and good homes starting at $300,000 or greater, years ago, I wouldn’t have blinked at either number. I probably would have even purchased a house outright for Chris and I to begin our new lives together. But those times are long gone. I’m that prodigal son who squandered his parent’s fortune for things that didn’t really matter. I learned a very hard lesson after blowing through the majority of the money my parent’s left me. With each house Chris and I looked at with a real estate agent during our trip in Florida, I realized how much my addiction took away from me. I also realized how dependent on Chris I am financially. I began to resent myself and the life I once lived before Chris. Not having anything really to bring to the table to help make the move possible truly upset me.
In the end, the decision Chris made to not pursue the new position and ultimately turn it down, remaining at home is one that wasn’t taken lightly. It involved many conversations between us and one that I was told not to blame myself for. There were many circumstances that we both felt God was telling us this wasn’t a viable path, things that I didn’t need to get into for the real point of this story.
The real point of this story is one of addiction. Active addiction in regards to my awareness of the financial and health-related codependency I have presently with Chris, and former addiction in regards to my awareness of how much my old addictive lifestyle continues to affect me today. While I’m sad that addiction continues to play through much of my story in life, I’m thankful to God nonetheless for all the awareness, for my ongoing work in 12 Step recovery to change all this, and for a partner who continues to stick by my side, “warts and all.”
Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson
I think your an amazing writer Andrew, I think that you word things extremely well and efficiently and I also think you can hold back the things you hold personal and yet your not secretive but you get your point across in a very humble positive way that helps everyone to understand what is going on with you!!!
Stephanie
Thank you Stephanie! I’m so grateful that you connected today with my article and that you like my writing. I am very thankful to know when I have connected with readers like you. ❤️❤️❤️