While I’ve known a few people in my life named or nicknamed Harley, today’s title and subject material isn’t about any of them, it’s about an obsession I had, an addiction at best, that I finally was able to say goodbye to, once and for all.
Just over ten years ago now, I was obsessed, codependently, with a guy named Andy, someone who loved Harley Davidson motorcycles and clothing more than anything else. When I met him, I was interested in neither, yet became immediately enamored with both him and his two-wheeled adoration. Prior to meeting him, no offense to the rest of the Harley Davidson aficionados, I couldn’t stand hearing those bikes whenever they went by. They hurt my hearing and most of the guys I ever knew who owned them were typically rude and obnoxious to me, always parking their motorcycles on sidewalks and acting like they were better than everyone else.
But in came Andy into my life, in the 12 Step recovery world, during a stint where addiction ruled some of his world temporarily. I immediately became smitten with him because that’s what an addict like me did so easily back then. It didn’t take long before I was hanging out with Andy more than not, doing my best to fit into his world, even though I stood out like a sore thumb. His world was a bunch of bad-ass biker type of guys, all heterosexual, who partied hard and talked about many things I had no clue about. In my best of thinking (but really worst of thinking), I decided that maybe if I bought a whole bunch of Harley Davidson clothing, shaved my head, and grew a goatee, that I’d fit in better into Andy’s world, and he’d like me better. As I said already, this is what serious codependency and love addiction does to an addict of that type of variety, one who becomes addicted to pleasing another to gain their love, often at their own expense.
Over the course of almost two years, I amassed close to $1000 of Harley clothes and hats, all top-of-the-line type of stuff. Most of the time I wore it people would ask me what kind of Harley bike I owned. Whenever I responded that I didn’t have one, I was usually asked what kind I’d like to have. I never had a good answer because deep down I still didn’t like Harley Davidson bikes or motorcycles in general, yet I pretended to like them for the sake of winning Andy over, so I generally made up an answer. This never won Andy over and only made myself seriously sick in the process, trying to become something I wasn’t ever meant to. This is sadly what codependent and love addicted type of thinking does to a person in the long run.
Eventually, towards the end of April of 2012, Andy called me one day to hang out. I had become so sick from that addiction at that point, I knew I had to say goodbye. While I successfully did that day, I didn’t say goodbye fully to Harley Davidson. Although, I would never again buy any of its clothing after that, I continued to wear what I had for another ten years. I don’t know why I did for so long, maybe because I felt like a bad ass whenever I wore it, maybe because I had spent so much money on it, or maybe because it still reminded me of the love I once had for Andy, I’m not sure? But eventually one evening, just over a week ago now, I opened my closet and saw all that clothing and knew I needed to let it, Andy, and any traces of that old addiction go, once and for all.
I headed to Goodwill the next day with it all in tow and handed it to a man there accepting donations. He ironically told me he was a big enthusiast of Harley Davidson motorcycles, go figure! He was shocked to see so much of the brand in my hands and in such amazing quality. I held a conversation with him about his hobby and when it ended, I breathed a huge sigh of relief, knowing it was probably going to be the final time I ever talked about Harley Davidson motorcycles again.
While this indeed was a big step for me, considering how much time, energy, and money I had spent on Harley Davidson, trying to win over Andy all those years ago, I am blessed to be fully free of it all now. Saying goodbye to Harley was probably the best thing I have done in my SLAA program of recovery in a good, long while, and I can say that I am a far healthier person now because of it. Thanks be to the strength of God and my 12 Step SLAA program of recovery!
Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson
