Category: Daily Reflection

“I don’t think the way you think. The way you work isn’t the way I work. For as the sky soars high above earth, so the way I work surpasses the way you work and the way I think is beyond the way you think.” (Isaiah 55:8-9 MSG)

I was amongst a few people recently having a very interesting conversation surrounding religion and spirituality. One of them would absolutely have labeled themselves as atheist. While I didn’t get too deep into the conversation, given far too often those types of discussions end in tension and arguments, I did express one truth surrounding why I have faith in God, and it dealt specifically with the benefit of living in the maybe.

I live in the maybe every, single day. The maybe I’m speaking of is God actually being real, even though I have no definitive proof of that, which is the very thing that atheists and agnostics alike want. Why I live in the maybe, rather than in a reality of needing definitive proof for my faith in God, is simply because living in the maybe gives me hope. Hope that there is something better than my current unfortunate circumstances in life.

To live each day believing that there is nothing beyond this life and having to accept that I just got dealt a bad hand of cards, especially over the last ten years or so with all my health issues, leaves me with no hope and no desire to keep going. But, living in the maybe, the maybe that there is something far Greater than I. The maybe that there is an actual reason for all of what I’ve been going through and that it’s on a far Higher level of comprehension than I could ever fathom. The maybe that God’s got this, meaning me, in His hands, even on my worst of days. The maybe that my prayers surrounding my health are indeed being answered in ways that are benefitting me even when my mind tries to convince me otherwise. And the maybe that God does have a joyful path for me still ahead. Living with this type of maybe guiding me leaves me with at least a shard of hope, a mustard seed of faith if you will, and a tiny ray of light in a sea of darkness, all of which being just enough for me to keep going and not give up.

Maybe the concept of God was originally created to cope with when life deals us a bad hand of cards, or maybe God has always been there through it all. Maybe God is nothing but something we’ve all made up to handle life on life’s terms, or maybe God is something far beyond anything we will ever be able to understand. I choose to live in the maybe that God is indeed real on every level. Living in this maybe is far more hopeful for my present difficult reality, one that often makes no sense to my limited thinking. So, I choose to live in the maybe that God does exist, because choosing to believe otherwise brings me no comfort whatsoever in a world that often feels unfair and not worth living in anymore.

God, it’s been very hard to have faith lately. But today, I’m asking You to help me to keep living in the maybe and trust that You are at work whether I’m 100 percent sure of You or not. I pray You fill me with joy and peace knowing You’ve got me in Your hands, even when I struggle to believe if You’re even real or there at all.

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson

“’For I know the plans I have for you,’ declares the Lord, ‘plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future. ‘” (Jeremiah 29:11)

Having spent much of my adult life working on all the broken parts of my past, I’ve found myself lately wondering if any of it has done any bit of good because it really seems as if all the things I thought I worked through already have been resurfacing again.

Agnosticism and doubting God even exists, deep insecurity, overly needy, high maintenance, irritable and short-tempered, negative thinking, and living in active addiction, each were things I spent countless hours working through over many years in 12 Step recovery, personal therapy, men’s groups, and the like, which by the end of 2014 I was mostly free of. I’d go so far as to say I was feeling extremely confident on my spiritual journey moving into 2015. Sadly, as my health issues began to rapidly intensify after that, many of these issues began to resurface again, which has left me wondering if God has a plan for me to ever prosper again.

Other than a five-day period of incredible relief in late August of 2017, where I felt God’s presence and trusted I was exactly where I was meant to be on this healing path, I’ve had no other moments of major relief. Plenty have said I’m crazy and even dumb for not choosing to take something to cope with it. Some have even suggested that maybe God was talking through them to tell me to medicate. A few even have gone so far as to suggest that maybe God doesn’t exist and that he’s just some “guy in the sky” one creates to cope when they’re in chronic pain. While I didn’t embark upon this path of natural healing initially specifically to grow closer to God, as it was more to just clean up a mind and body I had abused for too many years and lives, it has become the predominant thing I’ve sought now.

Lately though, I have so very little confidence in myself and in God, especially on days when my pain seems to control my words and actions more than not, but somehow, I still cling to a shard of faith, which in of itself I guess doesn’t qualify me for agnosticism yet. Living in pain though, for long periods of time with little to no relief on most days, truly does do a number on one’s faith. If you’ve ever been sick or ailing for long periods of time, then you’ll know what I mean. All of this has made it hard to remember what it feels like to be at peace, to know joy, or even by happy with anything. Yet, I continue to resist the urges of the world telling me to medicate or take things like CBD or medical marijuana because it simply doesn’t feel like the path God wants me to be on or what my soul energy even desires.

So, as people continue to tell me what I’m doing isn’t working and that I really need to change something up, I’m doing my best to keep trusting I’m doing exactly what I’m meant to with my health and healing. While my mind may not want to believe in this anymore, I cling to the promise of Jeremiah 29:11, that God still has a plan for me to prosper, one where my future is filled with hope and light…

Dear God, please help me to keep trusting You still have a plan for me to prosper in this life.

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson

“We have become masters of projection, pushing the responsibility for our own thoughts outward, so that the consequences of our own thoughts become someone else’s problems.” (Darren Main)

Often it really feels like I’m a magnet for people to dump their crap onto, projecting their own life’s misery outward, blaming me for their own personal drama and baggage of life. It’s been that way ever since I was a kid with an alcoholic mother doing it to me with regularity. Nowadays, I find myself struggling immensely with this, with taking ownership of someone else’s problems.

For example, just because I’m still unvaccinated from COVID, doesn’t mean I’m the cause of the virus, or the cause of anyone’s death from it, or an anti-vaxxer, or an evangelical who doesn’t believe in this specific vaccine, or anything of the sort, because I’m none of those whatsoever. Yet I’ve been accused of being each of those things many times over from others, all because I remain presently unvaccinated, where most never take the time to really understand or accept my personal situation.

Another great example is this. Just because I’m outside at times for hours every single day, cleaning up my yard and two others, and even sweeping a good portion of street around me of debris, doesn’t mean that that the noise I make doing so during the normal hours of the day is the true source of two neighbors’ anger at me. It’s merely a projection they place their anger on.

One final example is what I wrote about in a previous blog where I made an honest mistake on the road one day, narrowly missing another driver in the process. It brought out road rage from them, where they ended up pursuing me for a good 15 minutes, doing their best to scare me, when none of their toxic anger was about me whatsoever.

Lately, it seems like the world is filled with this, with one person after another blaming someone or something else for the source of all their anger and frustrations of life, when the real source of it is themselves. It’s taken me a long while to see this because I once was that person who always looked outward in anger for my inward anger.

I typically get great reminders of this in my current relationship with my partner Chris. At times I fall back into this illusion and find myself projecting my anger onto him, and he with me, when in reality, we’re both broken individuals lashing out at each other.

In the end, I believe the only way to fully deflect this, is to keep working on my own inner peace, as truly, when one is filled with true inner peace, it doesn’t matter how much anger and projection is thrown my way, because when it is, that peace will help me see it’s not about me, it’s about them.

Gracious and most Heavenly God, I pray for help in seeing the true source of all my anger and frustrations of life isn’t about anyone else, but me. Help me come to peace surrounding all my circumstances of life, so that when others project any of their unwarranted anger my way, that Your peace will help me rise above it all, enough so that I’ll no longer own anyone else’s baggage in life.

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson