“’For I know the plans I have for you,’ declares the Lord, ‘plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future. ‘” (Jeremiah 29:11)
Having spent much of my adult life working on all the broken parts of my past, I’ve found myself lately wondering if any of it has done any bit of good because it really seems as if all the things I thought I worked through already have been resurfacing again.
Agnosticism and doubting God even exists, deep insecurity, overly needy, high maintenance, irritable and short-tempered, negative thinking, and living in active addiction, each were things I spent countless hours working through over many years in 12 Step recovery, personal therapy, men’s groups, and the like, which by the end of 2014 I was mostly free of. I’d go so far as to say I was feeling extremely confident on my spiritual journey moving into 2015. Sadly, as my health issues began to rapidly intensify after that, many of these issues began to resurface again, which has left me wondering if God has a plan for me to ever prosper again.
Other than a five-day period of incredible relief in late August of 2017, where I felt God’s presence and trusted I was exactly where I was meant to be on this healing path, I’ve had no other moments of major relief. Plenty have said I’m crazy and even dumb for not choosing to take something to cope with it. Some have even suggested that maybe God was talking through them to tell me to medicate. A few even have gone so far as to suggest that maybe God doesn’t exist and that he’s just some “guy in the sky” one creates to cope when they’re in chronic pain. While I didn’t embark upon this path of natural healing initially specifically to grow closer to God, as it was more to just clean up a mind and body I had abused for too many years and lives, it has become the predominant thing I’ve sought now.
Lately though, I have so very little confidence in myself and in God, especially on days when my pain seems to control my words and actions more than not, but somehow, I still cling to a shard of faith, which in of itself I guess doesn’t qualify me for agnosticism yet. Living in pain though, for long periods of time with little to no relief on most days, truly does do a number on one’s faith. If you’ve ever been sick or ailing for long periods of time, then you’ll know what I mean. All of this has made it hard to remember what it feels like to be at peace, to know joy, or even by happy with anything. Yet, I continue to resist the urges of the world telling me to medicate or take things like CBD or medical marijuana because it simply doesn’t feel like the path God wants me to be on or what my soul energy even desires.
So, as people continue to tell me what I’m doing isn’t working and that I really need to change something up, I’m doing my best to keep trusting I’m doing exactly what I’m meant to with my health and healing. While my mind may not want to believe in this anymore, I cling to the promise of Jeremiah 29:11, that God still has a plan for me to prosper, one where my future is filled with hope and light…
Dear God, please help me to keep trusting You still have a plan for me to prosper in this life.
Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson