Category: Silly Joke Friday

Silly Joke #1

Doctor: “I see you’re over a month late for your appointment. Don’t you know that nervous disorders like yours require prompt and regular attention? What’s your excuse?”
Patient: “I was just following your orders, Doc.”
Doctor: “Following my orders? What are you talking about? I gave you no such order.”
Patient: “You told me to avoid people who irritate me.”

Silly Joke #2

A wife was laying in bed one afternoon with her husband’s best friend while he was at work. She had been cheating with him for a good while now. Suddenly her phone rang and she answers it. “Yes… uh, huh… OK… yes… bye hun.” Her husband’s best friend says: “Who was that?” “That was my husband,” she replied. The man quickly jumped out of bed, and began to put on his clothes in a hurry expecting her husband to be coming home from work soon. “Relax,” said the wife. “He just called to tell me he was heading out to play golf with you…”

Silly Joke #3

Joe had asked Bob to help him out with the deck after work, so Bob just went straight over to Joe’s place. When they got to the door, Joe went straight to his wife, gave her a hug and told her how beautiful she was and how much he had missed her at work. When it was time for supper, he complimented his wife on her cooking, kissed her and told her how much he loved her. Once they were working on the deck, Bob told Joe that he was surprised that he fussed so much over his wife. Joe said that he’d started this about six months ago, it had revived their marriage, and things couldn’t be better. Bob thought he’d give it a go. When he got home, he gave his wife a massive hug, kissed her and told her that he loved her. His wife burst into tears. Bob was confused and asked why she was crying. She said, “This is the worst day of my life. First, little Billy fell off his bike and twisted his ankle. Then, the washing machine broke and flooded the basement. And now, you come home drunk!”

Bonus Silly Joke (Adult Humor)

A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two young people show up. One is a good looking lad in his mid-twenties and the other is a gorgeous woman about the same age.The circus owner tells them: I’m not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you guys better be good or you’re history. Here’s your equipment: chair, whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?” The girl says, “I’ll go first.” She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion’s cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. About half way there, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body. The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her ankles. He continues to lick her calves, kisses them and rests his head at her feet. The circus owner can’t believe his eyes. He says, “I’ve never seen a display like that in my life,” He then turns to the young lad and asks, “Do you think you can top that?” The young man replies. “Sure, so long as she is ok with it?”

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson

Silly Joke #1

A missionary, in Africa, was out taking a walk in the jungle. Suddenly, he heard a noise from the brush in front of him. It was a lion. He started to back up and heard a noise from behind. Sure enough, it was another lion. He looked to his left and then to his right. You guessed it, lions were on both sides. It looked grim, so the missionary sat down where he was and started to read his Bible. Shortly after he started reading, the lions jumped the missionary and ate him. The moral of this story: Never read between the lions.

Silly Joke #2

Halfway through dinner one night, our friend told us of his days playing football in college as a defensive lineman. “Did you play sports in college,” his beautifully blonde wife then asked me. “Yes,” I answered. “I was on West Point’s shooting team.” “That’s great,” she said, appropriately impressed. “Offense or defense?”

Silly Joke #3

15 Things to do at Wal-mart to pass the time by and have some fun…

1. Get boxes of condoms & randomly put them in peoples’ carts when they aren’t looking.
2. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at 10-minute intervals.
3. Make a trail of orange juice on the floor going into the rest room.
4. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone, ‘I think we have a code 3 in housewares,’ and see what happens.
5. Ask the customer service desk if you could put some M&M’s on layaway.
6. Move a “CAUTION WET FLOOR” sign to a carpeted area.
7. Set up a tent in the camping department, tell others you’ll only invite them in if they bring pillows from the bedding department.
8. When someone asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask, ‘Why won’t you people leave me alone!’
9. Look right into a security camera and use it as a mirror while you pick your nose.
10. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from ‘Mission Impossible.’
11. While handling guns in the hunting department ask the clerk if he knows where you can find some anti-depressants.
12. Grab some pajamas in the clothing department, put them on in the dressing room and walk around (although this one may not work well since you might find others there are already wearing pajamas too!)
13. Hide in the clothing rack and when people browse through whisper ‘PICK ME! PICK ME!!!!!’
14. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker assume the fetal position and scream ‘NO! NO! It’s those voices again!’
15. Go to the fitting room and yell real loud…..’Hey we’re out of toilet paper in here!’

Bonus Silly Joke

9 dangerous words in your relationship that your partner may say to you…

(1)  “Fine” – This is the word uses to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
(2) “Five Minutes” – If they are getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to enjoy what you are doing before you have to help around the house.
(3) “Nothing” – This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end with (1) being spoken.
(4) “Go Ahead” – This is a dare, not a permission. Don’t Do It!
(5) “Loud Sigh” – This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood. A loud sigh means they think you are an ass and wonder why they are wasting their time standing there and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to (3) for the meaning of nothing.)
(6) “That’s Okay” – This is one of the most dangerous statements made. That’s okay means they want to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
(7) “Thanks” – You are actually being thanked! Do not question or faint. Just say you’re welcome. (But if they say, “Thanks a lot” – that is pure sarcasm and they aren’t thanking you at all. In this case never say “You’re welcome”, as that will bring on (8).
(8) “Whatever” – This is just another way of saying, “Go to hell.”
(9) “Don’t worry about it, I got it” – This means they have asked you to do something several times but are now doing it themselves. It’s usually followed by silence later by them and if you ask them, ‘What’s wrong?’, refer to (3) as that is the answer you’ll get.

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson

Silly Joke #1

A Veterinarian was feeling ill and had some skin rash all over, so she went to see her doctor. The doctor asked her all the usual questions, about symptoms, how long had they been occurring, etc., when she interrupted him, sounding very irritated, “Look, obviously I’m a doctor as well, being a veterinarian and all. I never need to ask my patients these kind of questions and can tell what’s wrong just by my examination.” She smugly added, “So, why can’t you?” The doctor nodded, stood back, looked her up and down, quickly wrote out a prescription, handed it to her and said, “Here you go. Of course, if this doesn’t work for you, we’ll just have to have you put to sleep.”

Silly Joke #2 (3 quick ones)

A co-worker asked me, “Could you be any more annoying?” So the next day I wore tap shoes to work.

A friend asked what parenting toddlers is like. So I hid her keys, head-butted her in the face, and then told her I love her more than the stars.

I decided to go by the house I grew up in the other day. When I got there I asked if I could go in and look around. They said no and slammed the door in my face! Parents can be such jerks sometimes!

Silly Joke #3

The minister and his wife place an ad for a butler. Early the next morning a nicely dressed young man appears at their front door. The minister asks him, “Can you fix breakfast by 7:00 a.m. every day?” “Well … I guess I can.” “And can you make the beds, dust the living room, do the dishes, cut the grass, and polish the silver also?””Gee, Sir, I just came by to see about getting married. But if it’s going to be that much work, you can count me out!”

Bonus Silly Joke

I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer. The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking on various topics. Finally I thought about an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts? Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts. Well, after another beer, and some heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with the answer to that question. Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby; and here is the reason for my conclusion. A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, “It might be nice to have another child.” On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, “You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts.” I rest my case. Time for another beer.

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson