Category: Silly Joke Friday

Silly Joke 1

Having lost weight over the past few years, a lady was discarding things from her wardrobe that no longer fit. Her seven-year-old nephew Little Johnny was watching as she held up a huge pair of slacks. “Wow,” the lady said, “I must have worn these when I was 185.” Little Johnny looked totally puzzled and then asked, “Wait, how old are you now then?!”

Silly Joke #2

It was three o’clock in the morning, and the receptionist at a posh hotel was nodding off accidentally, when a frantic little old lady came running towards her, screaming. “Please come to my room quickly,” she yelled, “I just saw a naked man outside my window!” The receptionist immediately rushed up to the old lady’s room. “Where is he?” asked the receptionist. “He’s over there,” replied the little old lady, pointing to an apartment building opposite the hotel. The receptionist looked over and could see a man with no shirt on, moving around his apartment. “It’s probably a man who’s getting ready to go to bed,” she said reassuringly. “And how do you know he’s naked anyway, you can only see him from the waist up?” “The dresser, honey!” screamed the old lady. “You get a much better view hone you stand on this dresser!”

Silly Joke #3

A husband comes home completely drunk one night. He lurches through the door and is met by his scowling wife, who is most definitely not happy. “Where the hell have you been all night?” she demands. “At this new bar,” he says. “The Golden Saloon. Everything there is golden. It’s got huge golden doors, a golden floor and even the urinals are gold!” The wife still doesn’t believe his story, and the next day checks the phone book, finding a place across town called the Golden Saloon. She calls up the place to check her husband’s story. “Is this the Golden Saloon?” she asks when the bartender answers the phone. “Yes it is,” bartender answers. “Do you have huge golden doors?” “Sure do.” “Do you have golden floors?” “Most certainly do.” “What about golden urinals?” There’s a long pause, then the woman hears the bartender yelling, “Hey, Duke, I think I got a lead on the guy that pissed in your saxophone last night!”

Bonus Silly Joke

Tom did like he always did over the last thirty years of marriage, kissing his wife, crawling into bed and falling to sleep. All of a sudden, he wakes up with an elderly man dressed in a white robe standing in front of his bed. “What the hell are you doing in my bedroom? …… and who are you?” he asked. “This is not your bedroom,” the man replied, “I am St. Peter, and you are now in heaven.” “WHAT!!? I died in my sleep!? I don’t want to die yet!” said Tom. “Please send me back immediately!”  “It’s not that easy”, said St. Peter, “As you can only return as a dog or a hen. Your choice.”  Tom thought about it for a while, and figured out that being a dog just too tiring, but a hen probably has a nice and relaxed life. Running around with a rooster can’t be that bad. “I’ll return as a hen.” Tom replied. In the next second, he found himself in a chicken run, really nicely feathered. But now he felt like his rear end was gonna blow …….. then along came the rooster. “Hey, you must be the new hen on the farm.” he said. “How does it feel?” “Well, it’s OK I guess, but it feels like my rear end is blowing up.”  “Oh that!” said the rooster. “That’s only the ovulation going on. Have you never laid an egg before??Cluck twice, and then you push all you can.” Tom clucked twice, and pushed more than he was good for, and then ‘Plop’ and an egg was on the ground.  “Wow” Tom said “that felt really good!” So he clucked again and squeezed. And you better believe that there was yet another egg on the ground. The third time he clucked, he heard his wife shout: “Tom, for Pete’s sake!!! Wake up … you’re crapping all over the bed again!!!” 

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson

Silly Joke #1

On his first day of school, Little Johnny handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read…”The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents.”

Silly Joke #2

A grade school teacher was instructing her students on the value of coins. She took a half-dollar and laid it on her desk. “Can any of you tell me what it is?” she asked. From the back of the room Little Johnny suddenly shouted, “Tails!!!”

Silly Joke #3

Little Johnny walked into the kitchen, saw his mother making a cake and announced, “I’ll be playing in my room for the next two hours. I sure would like a piece of cake when you’re finished.” Later, when his mother brought him a piece of cooled cake, Little Johnny exclaimed, “Golly, it worked!” Puzzled, his mother asked, “What do you mean?” Little Johnny replied, “Daddy said that in order to get a piece around here, you have to spend a couple of hours playing first!”

Bonus Silly Joke

A friend and I were just finished golfing one day when this guy comes out of nowhere and asks if he could join us the next time we play. I tell him, “Well, if you want to join us tomorrow you can. We start at 8 o’clock.” He said, “Great! I’ll be here at 8 o’clock, maybe 8:05…” So next day he shows up at 8 o’clock and plays scratch golf; he was good. We were going to play again the next day and we invited him to join us again. He said, “Great! I’ll be here at 8 o’clock, maybe 8:05…” So the next day he shows up at 8 o’clock, plays with his opposite hand, and shoots under par! I’m a bit amazed with this guy so I ask him, “You’re a pretty good golfer, beating us with scratch golf and then showing-off by playing just as good with your opposite hand. Just what is you secret?” He said, “Well…when I wake up in the morning and my wife is lying on her left side, I play left-handed. Or when I wake up in the morning and my wife is laying on her right side, I play right-handed.” So out of sheer curiosity I ask, “What if your wife is lying on her back when you wake up?” “Well, that’s when I get here at 8:05…”

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson

Silly Joke #1

Four priests board a train for an overnight journey to an annual church council conference. They are all sharing a private room together. Shortly into the trip, one priest says, “Well, we’ve all worked together for many years, but don’t really know one another’s worst sin we struggle with the most. I suggest we do a confession right now.” They look nervously at each other but all nod OK. The first priest says, “Since I suggested it, I’ll go first. With me it’s the drink. Once a year I take off my collar and go out of town to a pub and drink myself blind to get it out of my system.” The other three look at each other nervously as the next priest slowly says, “Well……with me, it’s gambling. Once a year, I take my collar off and remove a considerable amount of money from the collections. I then head to the casino and typically spend it all on the blackjack tables to get it out of my system.” The third, who is really nervous now reluctantly says, “This is really difficult, as I think my sin is worse than both of yours. I take off my collar once a year and hire a prostitute. I usually spend all night with her to get it out of my system.” They all look at the fourth priest now who hasn’t gone yet. He doesn’t say anything. The first speaks, “Come now, we’ve all told our worst sin, now it’s your turn.” The fourth priest then looks at the others and starts hesitantly, “Well, once a year, I take off my collar and totally gossip about the juiciest confession I’ve heard and well, honestly, I can’t wait to get off this train!”

Silly Joke #2

A guy receives an ad in the mail for a golf resort where everything costs one dollar. He jumps at the offer and heads off for a weekend of fun in the sun. He arrives and plays a round of golf. It cost him a buck. When he goes for dinner that evening, it costs him another buck. His room is only a buck a day! The day before he’s to check out, he heads out to play a last round and stops by the pro shop and charges a sleeve of three balls to his room. When he’s checking out next morning, he looks at the bill and sees:
Golf: $1.00
Dinner: $1.00
Room: $1.00.
Sleeve of golf balls: $3,000.00
He asks the Manager, “What is this all about? Everything is supposed to cost one dollar, and you charged me three thousand for three golf balls?” “I’m sorry, sir, said the manager, but you didn’t read the fine print in our promotional brochure. That’s what our golf balls cost.” “Well, said the man, If I wanted to spend that kind of money, I could’ve gone to that luxury hotel across the street and paid them a thousand dollars a day for a room. At least I would’ve known what I was paying for!” “That’s right, sir, you could have, said the manager. Over there they get you by the room. Over here we get you by the balls!”

Silly Joke #3

A well-respected surgeon was relaxing on his sofa one evening just after arriving home from work. As he was tuning into the evening news, the phone rang. The doctor calmly answered it and heard the familiar voice of a colleague on the other end of the line. “We need a fourth for poker,” said the friend. “I’ll be right over,” whispered the doctor. As he was putting on his coat, his wife asked, “Is it serious?” “Oh yes, quite serious,” said the doctor gravely. “In fact, three other doctors are there on the scene already!”

Bonus Silly Joke (Adult Humor)

A man escapes from a prison where he had been kept for 15 years. As he runs away, he eventually finds a house and silently breaks into it, hoping to find money or guns, but only finds a young couple asleep in their bed. He immediately orders the guy out of the bed and ties him up in a chair. He then ties the girl up on the bed, after which he leans in and kisses her on the neck, then quickly gets up, and immediately goes to the bathroom. While he’s in there, the husband tells his wife, “Honey, this guy is an escaped prisoner, look at his clothes! He’s probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn’t seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don’t resist, don’t complain, just do what he tells you, just give him satisfaction. I don’t want him to get angry because he’ll probably kill us both if he does. Be strong, honey. We’ll make it through this! I love you!” The wife then responds, “Dear, he wasn’t kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked if we kept any Vaseline in the bathroom. Be strong, honey, We will make it through this! And I love you, too!”

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson