Category: Silly Joke Friday

Silly Joke #1

There were two old geezers living in the backwoods. Their names were Rufus and Clarence. They lived on opposite sides of the river, and they hated each other. Every morning, just after sunrise, Rufus and Clarence would go down to their respective sides of the river and yell at each other. “RUFUS!!” Clarence would shout. “You better thank your lucky stars that I can’t swim . . . or I’d swim this river and whup your butt!!” “CLARENCE!!” Rufus would holler back, “You better thank YOUR lucky stars that I can’t swim . . . or I’d swim this river and whup your skinny butt!!!” This went on every morning. Every day. Twenty years. One day the Army Corps of Engineers came and built a bridge. Still, every morning the feuding across the river continued. Finally, Rufus wife has had enough. “Rufus!” she yells, one day. “I can’t take no more!! Every day for 20 years, you’ve been threatenin’ to whup Clarence. Well, there’s the bridge…have at it!” Rufus thought for a moment. Chewed his bottom lip for another moment. “Woman!” he declared, snapping his suspenders into place. “I’m gonna whup Clarence’s butt!!!” He walked out the door, down to the river, along the riverbank, came to the bridge, stepped up onto the bridge, walked about halfway, looked up….TURNED TAIL AND RAN SCREAMING BACK TO THE HOUSE, SLAMMED THE DOOR, BOLTED THE WINDOWS, GRABBED THE SHOTGUN AND DIVED, PANTING AND GASPING, UNDER THE BED!!!!! “Rufus!” cried the misses. “I thought you was gonna whup Clarence’s butt!!!” “I was, woman, I was!!” he whispered. “Rufus!” cried the misses. “What in tarnation is the matter?” “Well,” muttered the terror-stricken Rufus, “I went to the bridge…I stepped up on the bridge…walked halfway over the bridge…looked up…” “And?” she asked, breathless with suspense. “And,” continued Rufus, “I saw a sign that said, “Clearance, 13 feet, 6 inches” He ain’t never looked THAT big from the other side of the river!!!!!”

Silly Joke #2

A blonde goes for a job interview in an office. The interviewer decides to start with the basics. ‘So, Miss, can you tell us your age, please?’ The blonde counts carefully on her fingers for about 30 seconds before replying, ‘Ehhhh .. 22!’ The interviewer tries another straightforward one to break the ice. ‘And can you tell us your height, please?’ The young lady stands up and produces a measuring tape from her handbag. She then traps one end under her foot and extends the tape to the top of her head. She checks the measurement and announces, ‘Five foot two!’ This isn’t looking good so the interviewer goes for the real basics. ‘And uhh, just to confirm for our records, your name please?’ The blonde bobs her head from side to side for about twenty seconds, mouthing something silently to herself, before replying, ‘Mandy!’ The interviewer is completely baffled at this stage, so he asks, ‘Just out of curiosity, Miss. We can understand your counting on your fingers to work out your age, and the measuring tape for your height is obvious, but what were you doing when we asked you your name?’ ‘Ohh that!’ replies the blonde, ‘That’s just me running through ‘Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you….”

Silly Joke #3

A couple was dining out when the wife noticed a familiar face at the bar. She recognized him as an old flame. “Honey,” she said to her husband, as she pointed out the man, “that guy at the bar has been drinking like that since I left him seven years ago.” Her husband said, “That’s silly, no one celebrates that long!!”

Bonus Silly Joke

This guy was watching TV as his wife was out cutting the grass during the hot summer. He finally worked up the energy to go out and ask his wife what was for supper. Well, his missus was quite irritated about him sitting in the air-conditioned house all day while she did all the work, so she scolded him. “I can’t believe you’re asking me about supper right now! Imagine I’m out of town, go inside and figure dinner out yourself.” So he went back in the house and fixed himself a big steak, with potatoes, garlic bread and tall glass of iced tea. The wife finally walked in about the time he was finishing up and asked him, “You fixed something to eat? So where is mine?” “Well, you did say to imagine you were out of town now didn’t you?”

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson

Silly Joke #1

Two lawyers were in a coffee shop talking. One of the lawyers names was Thomas Strange. After a while their conversation became rather morbid, and they started to started to talk about what they were going to have on their tomb stones. Thomas said the he wasn’t going to have his name put on his tomb stone, instead he was going have “Here lies the body of an honest lawyer!!!” “Why are you going to have that?” asked his friend. “Well”, said Thomas, “When people are walking through the cemetery, and they see…”Here lies the body of an honest lawyer” they will say “Oh…that’s Strange”.

Silly Joke #2

A cowboy, who just moved to Wyoming from Texas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, “You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time.” The cowboy replies, “Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona , the other is in Colorado . When we all left our home in Texas , we promised that we’d drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I’m drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself.” The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn. One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, “I don’t want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss.” The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs. “Oh, no, everybody’s just fine,” he explains, “It’s just that my wife and I joined the Morman Church and I had to quit drinking.” “Hasn’t affected my brothers though.” 

Silly Joke #3

Sometimes women can be overly suspicious of their husbands like when Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset. “You’re running around with other women,” she charged. “You’re being unreasonable,” Adam responded. “You’re the only woman on earth!”  The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by someone poking him in the chest. It was Eve.  “What do you think you’re doing?!” Adam demanded. “Counting your ribs!” said Eve.

Bonus Silly Joke (4 quick ones)

It’s been raining for days now and my husband seems very depressed by it…He keeps standing by the window, staring. If it continues, I’m going to have to let him in!

You know, it seems like one minute you’re young and fun…and the next minute you’re turning down the stereo in the car so you can see better!

This past Christmas, I told my girlfriend for months in advance, Baby, all I want from you this year is an Xbox. Thats it. Beginning and end of list: Xbox. You know what she got me? A homemade frame with a picture of us from our first date together. Which was fine — because I got her an Xbox.

Silence is golden…
Unless you have children…
If that is the case, silence is suspicious.

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson

Silly Joke #1

Little Johnny was in the store with his Dad when he suddenly walks by the section that has all the condoms for sale. “Dad, what are condoms used for?” Little Johnny asks innocently. “Usually to avoid answering questions like this one!” His father quickly responded.

Silly Joke #2

An older gent had an appointment to see a urologist who shared an office with several other doctors. The waiting room was filled with patients. He approached the receptionist desk. The receptionist was a large imposing woman who looked like a wrestler. He gave her his name. In a very loud voice the receptionist said, “Yes, I see your name here. You want to see the doctor about impotence, right?” All of the patients in the waiting room snapped their head around to look at the very embarrassed man. He recovered quickly though, and in an equally loud voice replied, “No, I’ve come to inquire about a sex change operation and I’d like the same doctor that did yours!”

Silly Joke #3

Brad and Mike are two old retired widowers who reside close to each other and do constant welfare checks on each other. Much of their relationship is based on pragmatism rather than real friendship or personal affection. One day, as he drinks his morning coffee, Mike opens the morning paper and turns to the obituaries page. He gets the shock of his life when he sees his own obituary in the column. He realizes that the query for info on him by the local newspaper several months earlier, was in preparation for this event. He correctly surmises that it is a mistaken entry from their database. It still excites and rankles him, so he calls Brad up. “Brad, are you up yet?” asks Mike. Brad sleepily answers, “Yeah, but I’m only now starting my coffee.” “Brad, open the newspaper to page 31.” “Why, what’s in the paper?” “Brad, get the paper and open it to page 31 NOW!” “Ok, Ok, I’ve got the paper here, so what’s in page 31?” “Brad, open the paper to page 31 already!” “All right, don’t be such a pain so early in the morning already. So, what’s on page 31 that’s so important?” “Brad, look at the bottom of column 4.” “Why? What’s that story on?” “Brad, just read the story on the bottom of the column already!” “OK, OK, I’ll start reading the column if you stop yelling in my ear!” The paper rustles for a few seconds, then a long silent pause ensues… Finally, Brad comes on the line quietly and fearfully asks, “So Mike, where exactly are you calling me from right now?”

Bonus Silly Joke

As she passed the young novices, Mother Superior said, “Good morning, ladies,” and the novices replied, “Good morning, Mother Superior. May God be with you.” But once they were past, she heard one novice say to another, “I think she got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning.” Mother Superior was surprised, but decided not to pursue it. Soon she passed two sisters who had taught there for years. They exchanged pleasantries, but again she heard them whisper, “I think she got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning.” She wondered if she had been harsh with them and vowed to be more pleasant. Down the hall came retired Sister Mary. They exchanged greetings but Sister Mary added right to her face, “It looks like you got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning.” Mother Superior was floored. “Sister Mary, what have I done wrong? Three times this morning someone has said that about me.” Sister Mary looked Mother Superior in the eye. “Oh dear, don’t take it personally. It’s just that you’re wearing Father Murphy’s slippers..”

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson