Category: Silly Joke Friday

Silly Joke #1

Two Viagra pills walked into a bar. They sat down next to two marijuana plants who were engrossed in an animated discussion.  “I don’t get it,” one marijuana plant said to the other, “Why aren’t we legal everywhere yet? Nobody’s getting hurt by us.” One of the viagra pills scoffed at them. The marijuana plant turned to him and asked, “What’s your problem, don’t you think we should be legal?” “No”, the viagra pill replied. “We’re hard-on drugs!”

Silly Joke #2

A man came home from an exhausting day at work, plopped down on the couch in front of the television, and told his wife: “Hon, can you get me a beer before it starts!” The wife sighed and got him a beer. Ten minutes later, he said: “Hey Hon, can you get me another beer before it starts!” She looked cross, but fetched another beer and slammed it down next to him. He finished that beer and a few minutes later said,” Hey Hon? Can you please get me another beer, it’s going to start any minute!” The wife was furious. “Is that all you’re going to do tonight! Drink beer and sit in front of that TV! You’re nothing but a lazy, drunken, fat slob and furthermore…” The man sighed and said, “It’s started!”

Silly Joke #3

One night, a drunk comes stumbling into a bar and says to the bartender: “Drinks for all on me including you, bartender.” So the bartender follows the mans orders and says: “That will be $36.50 please.” The drunk says he has no money so the bartender slaps him around and throws him out. The next night the same drunk comes in again and after convincing the bartender he has money, orders a drink for everyone in the bar including the bartender. Again the bartender follows instructions and again the drunk says he has no money when asked to pay up. So the bartender slaps him around even more this time and then throws him out. On the third night he comes in, the drunk shows he finally has some money to pay for drinks and orders drinks for all except the bartender. “What, no drink for me?” replies the bartender sarcastically. “Oh, no. You get wayyyy too violent when you drink!”

Bonus Silly Joke (2 quick ones!)

There are three kinds of men in this world…
Some remain single and make wonders happen.
Some have girlfriends and see wonders happen.
The rest get married and wonder what happened!!!

Patient: I’m suffering dreadfully from insomnia. I’ve tried all sorts of home remedies, but I can find nothing that will send me to sleep.”
Doctor: ”Why don’t you just try talking to yourself?”

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson

Silly Joke #1

A woman went to the doctor’s office and was seen by one of the new young doctors. After about four minutes in the examination room, she started screaming and ran down the hall. An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him her story. After listening, he told her to sit down and relax in another room. The older doctor marched down the hallway to the back where the first doctor was and demanded, “What’s the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 63 years old, she has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?” The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and, without looking up, said, “Does she still have the hiccups?”

Silly Joke #2

Three guys are trying to sneak into the Olympic Village to scoop souvenirs and autographs. The first says, “Let’s watch the registration table to see if there’s a crack in the security system that we can utilize to scam our way in.” Immediately, a burly athlete walks up to the table and states, “Angus MacPherson. Scotland. Shotput.” He opens his gym bag to display a shotput to the registration attendant. The attendant says, “Very good, Mr. MacPherson. Here is you packet of registration materials, complete with hotel keys, passes to all Olympic events, meal tickets, and other information.” Hearing that, the first guy grabs a small tree sapling, strips off the limbs and roots, walks up the registration table and states: “Chuck Wagon. Canada. Javelin.” The attendant says, “Very good, Mr. Wagon. Here is you packet of registration materials, hotel keys, passes, meal tickets, and so forth. Good luck!” The second guy then grabs a street utility manhole cover, walks up the registration table and states in a pretty good Australian accent: “Dusty Rhodes. Australia. Discus.” The attendant says, “Terrific, Mr. Rhodes. Here is you packet of registration materials, hotel keys, a full set of passes, and meal tickets. Enjoy yourself.” They scamper in, but suddenly realize the third guy is missing. They groan – OH NO. He is not too bright. They forgot to make sure he doesn’t do something stupid and blow their cover stories. They spot him walking with a roll of barbed wire under his arm. He walks up the registration table and states: “Foster Bean. USA. Fencing.”

Silly Joke #3

Three women were returning to their Hungarian village when they spotted a man, obviously very inebriated, walking ahead of them. As they watched him stumbling, he fell face down into a mud puddle. When they walked up to him, one woman turned him over to see if she recognized him. However, his face was so covered with mud that she bent over and unzipped his pants. She remarked, “Well, he’s not my husband.” The second woman peering over her shoulder agreed, “Your right, he’s not your husband.” The third woman, somewhat older than the other two, bent over to look and said, “And he’s definitely not from our village either!!!”

Bonus Silly Joke

A recent survey was conducted that asked women of what they thought of their ass. 85% of women said that they thought that their ass was too big. 10% of women said that they thought that their ass was too small. And the remaining 5% of women asked if they were referring to their backside or their husbands.

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson

Silly Joke #1

As the crowded airliner is about to take off, the peace is shattered by a five-year-old boy who picks that moment to throw a wild temper tantrum. No matter what his frustrated, embarrassed mother does to try to calm him down, the boy continues to scream furiously and kick the seats around him. Suddenly, from the rear of the plane, an elderly man in the uniform of an Air Force General is seen slowly walking forward up the aisle. Stopping the flustered mother with an upraised hand, the white-haired, courtly, soft-spoken General leans down and, motioning toward his chest, whispers something into the boy’s ear. Instantly, the boy calms down, gently takes his mother’s hand, and quietly fastens his seat belt. All the other passengers burst into spontaneous applause. As the General slowly makes his way back to his seat, one of the cabin attendants touches his sleeve. “Excuse me, General,” she asks quietly, “but could I ask you what magic words you used on that little boy?” The old man smiles serenely and gently confides, “I showed him my pilot’s wings, service stars, and battle ribbons, and explained that they entitle me to throw one passenger out the plane door, on any flight I choose.”

Silly Joke #2

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 fell out onto the sidewalk. Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, “Ma’am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag.” “Oh really? Darn it!” said the little old lady. “I’d better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer.” “Well, now, not so fast,” said the cop. “Where did you get all that money? You didn’t steal it, did you?” “Oh, no, no”, said the old lady. “You see, my back yard is right next to the football stadium parking lot. On game days, a lot of fans come and pee through a knot hole in the fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, why not make the best of it? So, now, on game days, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, ‘O.K., buddy! Give me $20, or off it comes.'” “Well, that seems only fair,” said the cop, laughing. “OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what’s in the other bag?” “Well, you know”, said the little old lady, “not everybody pays.”

Silly Joke #3

Dolly Parton and Queen Elizabeth went to the Pearly Gates on the same day. They both met with an Angel to find out if they would be admitted to Heaven. The angel said “Unfortunately, there’s only one space in Heaven today so I must decide which one of you will be admitted.” The Angel asked Dolly if there was some particular reason why she should go to Heaven. Dolly took off her top and said, “Look at these, they’re the most perfect breasts God ever created and I’m sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity.” The Angel thanked Dolly, and asked Her Majesty, Queen Elizabeth the same question. The Queen walked over to a toilet, pulled the lever and flushes it without saying a word. The Angel immediately said, “OK, your Majesty, you may go into Heaven.” Dolly was outraged and asked, “What was that all about? I showed you two of God’s own perfect creations and you turned me down. She simply flushed a commode and she got admitted to Heaven! Would you explain that to me? “Sorry, Dolly,” said the Angel, “but even in Heaven, a royal flush beats a pair – no matter how big they are!”

Bonus Silly Joke

One Sunday morning George burst into the living room and said, “Dad! Mom! I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the most beautiful girl in town. She lives a block away and her name is Susan. After dinner, George’s dad took him aside, “Son, I have to talk with you. Look at your mother, George. She and I have been married 30 years, she’s a wonderful wife and mother, but, she has never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I used to fool around with women a lot.” “Susan is actually your half sister, and I’m afraid you can’t marry her.” George was brokenhearted. After eight months he eventually started dating girls again. A year later he came home and very proudly announced, “Diane said yes! We’re getting married in June.” Again his father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news. “Diane is your half sister too, George. “I’m awfully sorry about this.” George was livid! He finally decided to go to his mother with the news his father had shared. “Dad has done so much harm. I guess I’m never going to get married,” he complained. “Every time I fall in love, Dad tells me the girl is my half sister.” “Hee hee,” his mother chuckled, shaking her head, “Don’t pay any attention to what he says. He’s not really your father.”

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson