Category: Silly Joke Friday

Silly Joke #1 (Two alcohol jokes)

A man and his wife are dining at a table in a plush restaurant, and the husband keeps staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sits alone at a nearby table. The wife asks, “Do you know her?” “Yes,” sighs the husband, “she’s my ex-girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up seven years ago, and I hear she hasn’t been sober since.” “My God!” says the wife. “Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?” 

7 Would-Be Great Warnings On Any Bottles of Booze

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to wake up with a breath that could knock a buzzard off a wreaking dead animal that is one hundred yards away.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an idiot.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to assault you
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the boss what you really think of him.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burn on the forehead.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Psycho Bob.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to wake up naked next to someone you don’t know and probably want to keep it that way.

Silly Joke #2

A man and his wife were celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary. The wife says to her husband, “For our anniversary this year you can ask me one question, any question you want to and I will answer it truthfully no matter what!” The husband replies, “Okay, this has been bothering me for a very long time, but I haven’t had the courage to ask before…but I have noticed that all of our eight children look similar to one another except one. I can’t figure out how he got to look so different. Did he have a different father than the rest?” The wife stops. She is unable to look her husband in the eyes.  Finally, she replies remorsefully, “Yes. Yes, he did have a different father than the rest. Her husband was taken aback and slowly responds, “Please, you must tell me who the child’s father was. I must know.” Again she struggles to look into his eyes. She is obviously very distressed now. After a long silence, she says slowly, “You’re his father.”

Silly Joke #3

Some Really Great Church Bulletin Blunders:

“The Associate Minister unveiled the church’s new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: “I Upped My Pledge – Up Yours.””
“Today’s Opening Hymn: “Angels We Have Heard Get High.””
“The class on prophecy has been cancelled due to unforeseen circumstances.”
“Life groups meet on Wednesday evening at 7:00 PM for food, fun, and fellowwhipping.”
“Don’t let worry kill you, let the church help.”
“This evening at 7:00 p.m. there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.”
“The church is glad to have with us today as our guest minister the Rev. Ralph Green, who has Mrs. Green with him. After the service we request that all remain in the sanctuary for the Annual Hanging of the Greens.”
“The beautiful flowers on the altar this morning are to celebrate the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.”

Bonus Silly Joke

Sam has been in business for 25 years and is finally sick of the stress. He quits his job and buys 50 acres in Alaska as far from humanity as possible. He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it’s total peace and quiet. After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and there’s a big, bearded man standing there. “Name’s Lars …Your neighbor from forty miles away….Having a birthday party Friday … Thought you might like to come. About 5… “Great,” says Sam, “after six months out here I’m ready to meet some local folks. Thank you.” As Lars is leaving, he stops. “Gotta warn you…There’s gonna be some drinkin’.” “Not a problem… after 25 years in business, I can drink with the best of em.” Again, as he starts to leave, Lars stops. “More’n’likely gonna be some fightin’ too.” Sam says, “Well, I get along with people. I’ll be there. Thanks again.” Once again Lars turns from the door. “I’ve seen some wild sex at these parties, too.” “Now that’s really not a problem,” says Sam. “I’ve been all alone for six months! I’ll definitely be there. By the way, what should I bring?” Lars stops in the door again and says, “Whatever you want, just gonna be the two of us”. 

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson

Silly Joke #1

A couple had been married 50 years and decided they wanted to renew their vows. They were discussing the details of their second wedding with their friends. She wasn’t going to wear a traditional bridal gown, and she started describing the dress she was planning to wear. One of her friends asked what color shoes she had to go with her dress. She replied, “Silver.” At that point, her husband chimed in, “Yep, silver… to match her hair.” Shooting a glaring look at his bald spot, her friend shot back, “So I guess you’re going barefoot.”

Silly Joke #2 (2 quick ones)

Q: A Sunday School teacher asked, “Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of fishing when he was on the Ark?”
A: “No,” replied Johnny. “How could he with just two worms?”

Little Johnny: Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.
Mom: Well, you did the right thing honey!
Little Johnny: But Mom, I was sitting on Daddy’s lap!

Silly Joke #3

The other day I had the opportunity to drop by my department head’s office. He’s a friendly guy and, on the rare opportunities that I have to pay him a visit, we have had enjoyable communication, although he always seems to be a man of few words. While I was in his office, I asked him, “Sir, what is the secret of your success?” He said, “Two words.” “And, Sir, what are they?” “Right decisions.” he said. “But how do you make right decisions?” I asked. “One word,” he responded. “And, Sir, what is that?” I asked. “Experience.” he said. “And how do you get experience?” I asked. “Two words.” he said. “And, Sir what are they?” “Wrong decisions.” he said.

Bonus Silly Joke (Adults Only)

Two buddies were sharing drinks while discussing their wives. “Do you and your wife ever do it, well you know, like doggie style and stuff?” asked the one boldly. “Well, not exactly.” his friend replied, “she’s more into the trick dog aspect of it.” “Like kinky and stuff???” he continued to asked quite forward. “Well, not exactly – I sit up and beg and she rolls over and plays dead.” his friend said shrugging his shoulders.

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson

Silly Joke #1

A young lawyer, starting up his private practice, was very anxious to impress potential clients. When he saw the first visitor to his office come through the door, he immediately picked up his phone and spoke into it,” I’m sorry, but my caseload is so tremendous that I’m not going to be able to look into your problem for at least a month. I’ll have to get back to you then.” He then turned to the man who had just walked in, and said, “Now, what can I do for you?” “Nothing,” replied the man. “I’m here to hook up your phone.” 

Silly Joke #2

At the retreat, a couple was told to individually write a sentence using the words ‘sex’ and ‘love.’ The woman wrote: “When two mature people are passionately and deeply in love with one another to a high degree and that they respect each other very much, just like Sam and I, it is spiritually and morally acceptable for them to engage in the act physical sex with one another.” And Sam wrote: “I love sex.”

Silly Joke #3

HR: “This is your revised salary. We recommend you keep it confidential.”
Employee: “Oh, you don’t have to worry about that, I’m equally ashamed of it.”

Bonus Silly Joke

The teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her date with this see-through blouse on and no bra. Her grandmother just has a fit, telling her not to dare go out like that. The teenager tells her “Loosen up Grams. These are modern times. You gotta let your rosebuds show!” and out she goes. The next day the teenager comes downstairs, and the grandmother is sitting there with no top on. The teenager wants to die. She explains to her grandmother that she has friends coming over and that it is just not appropriate. “Loosen up, sweetie. If you can show off your rosebuds, then I can display my hanging baskets.”

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson