Silly Joke Friday

A waitress asks a guy, who oddly has a talking ostrich with him, for his order. The guy says, “I’ll have a hamburger, fries, and a coke.” She then turns to the ostrich and says, “And what will you have?”

“I’ll have the same,” says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order. “That will be $18.40 please.” The man reaches into his pocket and, without looking, pulls out the exact amount for payment.

The next day, the guy and the ostrich come back and the guy orders, “A hamburger, fries, and a coke” again, while the ostrich says nothing more than, “I’ll have the same.”

Once more, the guy reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change. This becomes a daily routine until one evening they enter the restaurant and the waitress asks, “The usual?”

“No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato, and salad”, says the guy.

“Me too,” says the ostrich.

The waitress brings the order and says, “That will be $42.62.”

Once again, the guy pulls the exact amount out of his pocket and places it on the table. The waitress can’t hold back her curiosity any longer. “Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?”

“Well,” says the guy, “several years ago an angel appeared before me after I had prayed for hours on end and said I could ask for two things and both would be granted. The first thing I asked for was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.”

“That’s brilliant!” says the waitress. “Most people would have asked for a million dollars or something, but you’ll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!”

“That’s right. Whether it’s for a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money will always there,” says the guy.

The waitress then asks, “But, sir, what’s with the ostrich?”

The guy then sighs and says, “Well, my second request was for a tall chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say…”

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson

Silly Joke Friday

A cat dies and goes to heaven.

God meets him at the gate and says, “You have been a good cat all these years. You can have anything you desire, all you have to do is ask.”

“Well,” said the cat, “I lived all my life having to always sleep on hardwood floors.”

“Say no more,” says God and instantly a fluffy pillow appears.

A few days later, six mice are killed in a tragic accident and they go to heaven. God meets them at the gate with the same offer he made to the cat.

“All our life,” the mice say, “we’ve had to run. Cats, dogs, women with brooms have chased us. If we had roller skates, we wouldn’t have to run any more.”

God says he can take care of it and, instantly, each mouse is fitted with a beautiful pair of tiny roller skates.

A week later God checks on the cat, which is asleep on its pillow. God gently nudges him awake and asks, “How are you doing? Are you happy here?”

“Never been happier!” says the cat, stretching and yawning. “Especially with those meals on wheels you’ve been sending over, they sure are great!”

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson

Silly Joke Friday

After starting a new diet, I altered my drive to work to avoid passing by my favorite bakery. But when I missed the turn this morning to stay on my alternative route and found myself driving by the very same bakery I was trying to avoid, I noticed its window was filled with a new selection of chocolates, donuts, cheesecakes, and plenty of other tasty treats I had never had before. I began to wonder if somehow this was no accident, so I prayed.

“Lord, it’s up to You. If You want me to have any of those delicious new goodies, please create a parking place for me directly in front of the bakery.”

And sure enough, on my eighth time around the block, there it was!

God is so good!!!

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson

Silly Joke Friday

Jesus and Satan are having a competition on who can finish an essay first.

“1, 2, 3, GO!!!” Satan yells.

Jesus starts and takes his time while Satan is typing up a storm. Satan is typing so fast that the power goes out and both computers are shut off.

When they finally start back up, Jesus states that he is done with his essay.

Riddled, Satan asks how he wrote that fast. Jesus turns to him and simply says, “Didn’t you know that Jesus saves?”

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson

Silly Joke Friday

A minister is driving down the road and is stopped for speeding. The state trooper smells alcohol on his breath, sees an empty wine bottle on the floor, and asks, “Sir, have you been drinking?”

The minister replies, “Just water.”

The trooper asks, “Then why do I smell wine?”

The minister looks down at the bottle and exclaims, “Good Lord, He’s done it again!!!”

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson

Silly Joke Friday

The couple was 85 years old, married for sixty years. Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they watched their pennies. Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife’s insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade.

One day, their good health didn’t help when they went on an exotic vacation and their little plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven. They reached the pearly gates, and St. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be seen hanging their favorite clothes in the closet.

They gasped in astonishment when St. Peter said, “Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now.” The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. “Why, nothing,” Peter replied, “for this is your reward in Heaven.” The old man looked out the window and saw a championship golf course, more beautiful than any ever seen on Earth. “What are the greens fees?” grumbled the old man. “This is heaven,” St. Peter replied. “You can play for free, every day.” Next, they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from rich entrees with thick sauces to exotic deserts. “Don’t even ask,” said St. Peter to the man. “This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy.”

The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife. “Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods?” he asked. “That’s the best part,” St. Peter replied. “You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like, and you’ll never get fat or sick. After all, this is Heaven!” The old man pushed, “No gym to work out at?” “Not unless you want to,” said St. Peter. “No testing my blood pressure or…?” “Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself.”

The old man glared at his wife and said, “You and all your damn bran muffins, oatmeal, and vegetables, ugh! We could have been here ten years ago already!”

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson

Silly Joke Friday

A lady goes to see her priest one day and tells him, “Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing.” “What do they say?” the priest inquired. “They say, ‘Hi, we’re hookers! Do you want to have some fun?‘ Isn’t that awful?” the woman laments.

“That’s obscene!” the priest exclaimed. Then he thought for a moment. “You know,” he said, “I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male parrots who talk, and I have taught them to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we’ll put them in the cage with mine. My parrots can then teach your parrots to praise and worship God, which I’m sure will help them to stop saying… that… that indecent phrase…in no time.” “Thank you,” the woman responded, “this may very well be the solution!”

The next day, the woman brought her female parrots to the priest’s house. As he ushered the woman in, she saw that his two parrots, Francis and Job, were inside their cage, holding rosary beads and actually praying, their pious little faces upturned toward heaven with beaks moving slightly as they prayed intently to the Lord.

Very impressed, the woman walked over and placed her birds inside the cage with the priest’s two very devout parrots. After a few minutes, sure enough, the female parrots cried out in unison: “Hi, we’re hookers! Do you want to have some fun?” A long moment of silence ensued until one of the male parrots suddenly looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed, “Put the beads away, Frank!!! All our prayers have finally been answered!

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson

Silly Joke Friday

A little girl asked her mother, “How did the human race appear?” The mother answered, “God made Adam and Eve and they had children and so was all mankind made.” Two days later the girl asked her father the same question. The father answered, “Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved.” The confused girl returned to her mother and said, “Mom, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?” The mother answered, “Well, dear, it is very simple: I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his…”

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson

Silly Joke Friday

A man walks into a church one day and kneels down to pray. “Lord,” he says, “I’ve made mistakes, but I’m determined to change. If you let me win the lottery, I promise to be a good servant and never bother you again.”

Nothing happens. So, the next week the man tries again. “Please, God, let me win the lottery, and I’ll come to church every week.”

Again, nothing happens. So, the man decides to try one last time. “Lord,” he implores, “why haven’t I won the lottery? Have you abandoned me?”

Suddenly a deep voice booms down from above. “My son, I have not abandoned you, but at least meet me halfway—buy a ticket!”

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson

Silly Joke Friday

Walking through the forest, an atheist hears a rustling in the bushes. Turning, he sees a massive grizzly charging towards him! He runs as fast as he can but trips over a stump and falls. As the bear raises a huge paw to strike, the atheist screams: “God! Help me!”

Time freezes. The bear becomes immobile, the forest is silent, and the river stops running. Then the atheist hears a powerful voice: “You have denied my existence for years, taught others I don’t exist and credited my creation to a cosmic accident. Why should I help you?”

“It would be hypocritical to ask you to show mercy on me,” the atheist agrees. “But perhaps you could make the bear a Christian?”

At that, the noise of the forest resumes, the river runs, and the bear drops to its knees, brings its paws together, and says, “Lord, for this food which I am about to receive, I am truly thankful.”

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson

Silly Joke Friday

A man walked to the top of a hill to talk to God.

The man asked, “God, what’s a million years to you?” and God said, “A minute.”

Then the man asked, “Well, what’s a million dollars to you?” and God said, “A penny.”

Then the man asked, “God…..can I have a penny?” and God said, “Sure…..in a minute.”

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson

Silly Joke Friday

A ten-year-old boy was failing math. His parents tried everything to get him to do well in school, but nothing worked. Finally, they enrolled him in Catholic school hoping that might help. From his first day, the boy started spending every night poring over all his textbooks and when his first report card finally came, they noticed he had received an A in math.

“Son,” his father asked, “what made the difference in math class? The nuns? The textbooks?”

“Dad, I had never taken math seriously before,” the boy admitted. “But when I walked in to my new school and saw this guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew this place meant business!!!”

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson

Silly Joke Friday

Jesus, Moses, and an old bearded guy went off to play golf one day.

On the first tee, a par 3, Moses shanked his ball into a lake. He then parted the water long enough for him to hit his ball from the bottom of it right onto the green.

Jesus was next to tee off. He too flubbed his ball into the same lake, but then walked onto it, rose his ball up to its surface, and then stroked the ball just short of the cup.

Finally, it was the old man with the beard’s turn to tee off. When he swung, he hit the ball with such tremendous force that it hooked quite badly. The ball bounced off the clubhouse roof, hit the cart path, and rolled down a hill into the lake, coming to rest on a lily pad. A frog hopped over and picked up the ball, then an eagle swooped down, snatched the frog and flew over the green. The frog dropped the ball, and it rolled straight down the green into the cup for a hole in one.

Moses immediately turned to Jesus and said, “Ugh! This is why I really hate playing golf with your Dad!!!”

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson

Silly Joke Friday

Three guys are fishing when an angel appears.

The first guy says, “I’ve suffered from back pain for years. Can you help me?” The angel touches the man’s back, and he feels instant relief.

The second guy points to his thick glasses and begs for a cure for his poor eyesight. When the angel tosses the lenses into the lake, the man gains 20/20 vision.

As the angel turns to the third fellow, he instantly recoils and screams, “Don’t touch me! I’m on disability!”

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson

Silly Joke Friday

Happy Friday everyone! Beginning today, and for all future Friday’s, I’m starting a new series in my blog called Silly Joke Friday. Each of these is meant to be a fun, silly, and clean-based joke to lighten up things a little, since my blog tends to always be more on the serious side. If you wish to contribute your own silly jokes, feel free to reply with them either directly to my blog itself, or in any of the social media I use (Facebook, Twitter, Google+). Please just make sure they are all clean-based jokes and hopefully we will each be smiling a little more in the process! Have a great weekend everyone!

Q: What did the Buddhist ask the hot dog vendor?
A: “Make me one with everything!”

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson