The Twelfth Step

As I sit here in the office on Easter morning writing this entry, I find myself feeling somewhat sad inside. This holiday has always been a time for me to be around my family and loved ones and the same holds true for my partner. But sadly, he won’t be able to be around his immediate family today because of some grudges they’re carrying towards us.

Grudges, as defined in the dictionary, are a persistent feeling of ill will or resentment resulting from a past insult or injury. Since November of last year, this unfortunately has been the case for both my partner’s brother and sister. Originally stemming from some comments made by them over a family heirloom ring my partner gave me, things have grown quite distant between us and them ever since.

One of the most difficult things that my partner and I have faced over this whole situation was that they weren’t embracing the two of us as a couple. At the time the original incident happened, I was still living in Massachusetts and commuting back and forth. Their judgment was that I was only casually dating my partner for fun and it was being based upon some of our past indiscretions in life prior to meeting each other. Those judgments are what led to a comment of them being upset at me wearing one of their family rings on my hand.

After an attempt was made to clarify just how serious our relationship was in a letter to them, there has been only one real attempt by them to contact us. They called and asked for a family meeting to occur without me present, as they were upset about the letter. While it was written with a lot of love and light and was only asking for them to embrace us as a couple, it seemed to only further their grudges towards us. Now it’s Easter and many months since that last contact, and sadly, we weren’t even extended an invitation to the family event today.

It truly is sad how grudges really rob the soul of love and connection. They are no different than all the comments I’ve ever made about resentments in many of my previous blog entries. They’re like a poison that slowly eats away at all the goodness and joy that one may feel inside towards another. I’ve been praying for months now for partner’s brother and sister to be filled with more love, forgiveness, and peace. And I’ve been hoping they will start seeing us in a much brighter light. Carrying a grudge though is preventing this from happening. While my partner and I would like to reconcile with them, doing so will take work on both parts. For them continuing to carry a grudge, it’s impossible for that to happen. A grudge is like placing a huge steel wall around one’s heart and the only person who can remove that wall is the person who’s carrying the grudge itself.

I truly pray to God that my partner’s brother and sister will realize the damage their grudges are carrying not only in life, but also within their own soul. A single grudge will block a person from seeing the sunlight of the spirit in both the situation it’s involved in, and eventually everything else too. In other words, it taints the rest of one’s life and only leads to holding more grudges.

Whether my partner’s brother and sister ever let their grudges go with us or not, I can’t say. Regardless, I love them and will continue to pray for God to open up their hearts just a little bit more. Even a mere fraction could be enough to snuff out any of their grudges. And I know that deep down inside the both of them is a whole lot of love they want to offer us.

So if you are someone who’s currently carrying a grudge towards anyone, I encourage you to take a moment, breathe, realize the only thing it’s doing is causing you damage inside. It’s robbing you of feeling happiness and joy, and it’s creating distance between you and others. Try praying for love, forgiveness, and peace for whomever you’re carrying them towards and know it will lead you to a desire to reconcile and a life that’s a whole light brighter…

Peace, love, light, and joy,

Andrew Arthur Dawson

Terrible and tragic things happen all the time in each of our lives. From getting fired from a job to the death of a loved one, these types of things can be quite difficult for our minds to handle. One of the main reasons for that is the stories our ego often tells ourselves about how this is the worst thing that could ever happen to us. What so many of us fail to realize is that each of them are always a blessing in disguise.

My father’s suicide was definitely the first tragic thing I had to deal with in my adulthood. When it happened, I really felt like it was the end of the world. I became so severely depressed that I didn’t know how to move forward in life at all. My mind tried to convince me that I would never rebound from his death. When I finally did the work that was necessary to move beyond it and fully heal, I was able to see how codependent I had been on my father for my own happiness.

Many years later when my mother died during a drunken fall down the stairs, I fell back into that same spiral downward like I had been when my father passed away. Once again my mind tried to keep me imprisoned in self-pity and I stayed stuck for a good while. I eventually did the work though that I needed to do to move beyond her death and when it was complete, I was able to see how codependent I had been on her as well for my own happiness.

While I initially looked at my parent’s tragic demises as the worst thing that could have ever happened to me, they actually ended up both being a blessing in disguise. Because of the work I did to heal from their deaths, I became so much healthier, so much stronger, and so much less codependent in life.

There have been many other things as well that I could label as terrible events in my life. But through the same hard work and dedication to heal, I have made it to the other side with each of them as well. Once there, I was able to see how they too were blessings in disguise.

Take the loss of my former seven-year relationship as an example. It led me to move to a new city and state where I would begin my path in 12-Step recovery that I had avoided doing for 12 years. Then there was the complete financial loss of a bed and breakfast I once owned. It led me on a path to discovering whom I really was inside. Beyond that came the physical pains I’ve had to temporarily endure these past four years. They led me to develop my love of puzzles, reading, and even this gift in writing because of all the down time I’ve had.

These are just a few of the many traumatic things I’ve had to go through in life. Countless job losses, relationship break-ups, friendships ending, and the like have all come and gone with great pain and misery. But through hard work, focus, and dedication to grow spiritually in life, I made it to the other side with each of them as well only to see how much stronger I had become because of them.

The most recent experience I’ve had with this that challenged my ability to see the blessing in disguise was with a men’s group (MKP) that I have been a part of now for over six months. Upon attending one of those meetings the other night, several others, and I were notified that most of the existing group members were splitting off and forming their own closed group. Why this happened isn’t as important as how I handled the pain it temporarily created within me. Through prayer and reflection, I saw how I had never really been that happy with this group in the first place. I also saw how it wasn’t the best fit for the level of spiritual work I’ve been trying to achieve in life with my Higher Power. Now, the real blessing is beginning to materialize as I start working with a few others on building a new group that fosters the foundation and strength I’m looking for.

I’m thankful that I am so much stronger today to see how all of the difficult things I’ve gone through in life such as this have become a blessing in disguise. I can remember all the moments where I thought I would never recover from any of them and where I allowed a ton of misery to block my vision of that blessing. I’m grateful to my Higher Power that my vision is so much clearer now to see them.

So if you are someone who is currently going through a terrible event of any kind, I encourage you to take a moment, breathe, and know that there is hope in what you are going through. It may take some time, hard work, and a lot of effort on your part to see that, but in doing so; you will always find that this misfortune and any others to come are actually all a blessing in disguise.

Peace, love, light, and joy,

Andrew Arthur Dawson