The Twelfth Step

Have you ever met someone who always trying to be the center of attention, regardless of whether it’s negative or positive? I’ve met a few of them over time myself where each would consistently get under my skin quite often. That was until I took a good, hard look in the mirror at myself and realized each of them were really only a reflection of me. And I have to say it was the most recent occurrence of this that finally led me to fully see that.

This latest occurrence I’m speaking of is actually someone I know from the recovery rooms who frequently seems to do things during meetings that have gained them a lot of attention, usually negative. I’ve watched this individual regularly change the meeting room thermostats to suit their need, douse lit candles with water when it got too hot, interrupt others speaking with random verbal outbursts, play on their cell phone for entire meetings, turn off light switches while meetings were in progress, choose to eat certain foods during meetings that were excessively noisy when chewed, and various other behaviors that one might see as child-like. And indeed, that’s exactly how I saw each of them, which eventually provoked me enough to approach this person and ask them why they kept doing it. The answer I got frankly surprised me because they told the truth and it was one I know all to well. What I was told by them was that no one ever seems to pay them any attention, but they found if they did annoying things, it at least got them some attention, even if it was negative. Over time I got to know this person much better and learned they never got much favorable attention at all by their parents when growing up.

Sadly, this is the same type of thing that happened to me when I was a kid. My parents were usually caught up in their own lives, their addictions, and a number of other things that often left me vying for their attention more than not. It was then I began resorting to attention-seeking behaviors, which at first were positive and far from annoying, but those generally went unnoticed. Ultimately I resorted to negative ones that always got me in trouble, but at least when I did, I got their attention. This pattern continued into my adulthood, where I did whatever I could at times to become the center of attention. Sometimes my positive actions would pay off and get me just that. But more often they didn’t, which frequently only led me to do behaviors that were no better than this recent recovery person who kept getting under my skin.

Connecting these dots has allowed me to look back in time and understand a long list of people who constantly seemed to bother me when they were doing things to become the center of attention. It’s allowed me to understand all those who’ve picked on someone in front of a group of people. It’s allowed me to understand all those who have held meetings hostage with long discourses. It’s allowed me to understand all those who constantly have had to tell jokes when speaking. It’s even allowed me to understand one former friend of mine who used to put various food items on the tip of his noise and pretend he didn’t know it was there just to make people laugh.

The fact is the only reason why any of these people, including myself, have ever done these attention-seeking behaviors, whether positive or negative, is due to the underlying insecurities that were established very early on in life. Thankfully, I clearly see my reflection in their mirrors now, which has helped me immensely in my quest to not be the center of attention anymore. It’s also helped me to feel more at peace when someone is doing any of these types of behaviors around me nowadays.

I’m far from perfect at this, as there still are times when I find myself resorting to a few of my old attention-seeking behaviors. So I guess I’m a work in progress then! But I am truly glad I understand now why any of those who’ve shouted “Pay Attention to Me!!!” in their own unique ways have had the tendency to get under my skin so much. It’s pretty clear that each have always been just a reflection of my own unresolved insecurities that began long ago…

Peace, love, light, and joy,

Andrew Arthur Dawson