Have you ever been in a relationship with someone you loved so deeply but found yourself powerless to prevent that person from doing something that was continuing to harm themselves? Recently, I’ve had to face this dilemma with my partner over his weight issues.
First let me state for the record that I love my partner unconditionally, more than anyone I’ve ever dated before. My attraction to him is on every level, including his size, but lately I’ve become somewhat fearful about that very specific element. For him, those size issues began a number of years ago, when his mother had an untimely passing. During that period of time, he also lost his job and only source of income. To deal with the grief from both losses, food became his coping outlet and addiction where he managed to pack on over 100 pounds of additional weight of which he hasn’t been able to shed much of since.
Although some of my partner’s weight issues are genetic, a large part of them are actually due to mental and emotional stressors, like his mother’s passing, of which he has yet to let go of. While he has just started to become aware of this, he has shown some resistance to fully undertaking the work that is necessary to overcome them. Unfortunately, I continue to face the reality that it doesn’t help for me to point out those areas of work because when I do, it comes off as nagging and control.
While I’ve never been a chronic overeater nor seriously overweight in this lifetime, I have suffered from the throngs of many other addictions. Each of which have held me in their grip until I was truly ready to have a showdown with them face to face. No amount of interference from any outside party, including anyone that was close to me, ever made a difference. I didn’t slow down or stop my drinking or drugging because someone told me I needed to. I didn’t cease my promiscuity because someone told me it was unhealthy. I didn’t quit smoking, gambling, or doing any of the other addictions I was doing because of a single person’s input in my life. The work I did to deal and overcome each of those addictions came from me hitting rock bottom. When that happened, I became willing to do whatever it took to heal from them.
So here’s my deepest truth with this dilemma. I’m afraid of my partner hitting rock bottom with his overeating issues like I did with all of my addictions. None of mine ever ended very pretty. And because of that, I continue to try to prevent my partner from hitting his rock bottom with the one addiction he still faces by commenting on what he eats, how much he eats, and the frequency he eats. This accomplishes nothing more than increasing his anger and irritability towards me and sometimes even more of the addiction itself. What’s funny is that I already know this is going to happen when I act this way towards him. It’s how I would have reacted when anyone did the same to me with one of my addictions. So as I sat on the couch the other night shortly before bedtime and watched him become hungry and eat several weight watchers bars and then desire a salad but pass on that and instead consume a bagel with cream cheese, I felt totally powerless, helpless, and fearful to do or say anything.
That fear is increased even more with the fact that both of my partner’s parents died at relatively young ages in today’s standards with his father having been in his early 50’s and his mother, in her early 60’s. Now that my partner is in his early 50’s himself, my mind has gone to dark places when I see him eating those bagels, or chips, or desserts, or anything that isn’t really healthy for a person trying to lose weight. While he has managed to go weekly to Weight Watchers, his loss of pounds has been stagnant at times much of which is due to him not being willing to let go of some of those cravings and indulgences. Weight Watchers has a set number of points that can be consumed daily and weekly and often my partner will max out those points. It’s hard for me to watch him become baffled when he weighs in and see’s there’s been little change when I know that greater sacrifices are needed for him to get to where he wants.
Given the fact that I understand the disease of addiction, I have had to seriously apply some of that knowledge to what my partner is currently going through. I didn’t drink alcohol or take drugs or smoke cigarettes or gamble or be promiscious because I wanted to. I did it because I had to. The sad reality was that for the longest time I didn’t want to deal with those demons that were driving me to do those addictions in the first place. And I wasn’t willing to do the work that was necessary to let them go because I knew it was going to be painful. My partner has his own demons to deal with which are still leading him to his unhealthy eating habits and increased size. And until he becomes willing to face all of those demons, it will remain next to impossible to reach his desired weight.
I really just want the best for him. I want him to find a life free from those demons like I am trying to find from my own. And I want him to live a healthy life with me for many more years to come. But at the same rate, I can’t make him do the hard work that is necessary to overcome his addiction. I can’t tell him that willpower will never work. I can’t show him that he needs to put God more in the driver’s seat and pray only for His will. But most importantly, I can’t do any of the work he’s going to have to do to get through this addiction and conquer it once and for all.
Al-Anon teaches people to detach with love when it comes to caring for someone who is active in any addiction. It’s just so difficult to sit back and let my partner continue to do what he’s doing especially when I see a few positive steps that can be done to overcome it for him. But as the Serenity Prayer states, it is something I have to accept I cannot change. I am doing my best to apply that principle and often find myself needing to pray especially when I trip up and try to do some more controlling behaviors surrounding his addiction.
Thankfully, it seems as if God has answered one of those prayers. My partner finally went to an Overeater’s Anonymous meeting the other night and really made a great connection there. I hope it’s just the beginning to a new way of life for him. I really do. One that will bring him closer to God. And one that will help him reach a healthier weight by releasing the demons of his past. Regardless of whatever happens, I will always love him and will continue to do my best to support him by letting him find his way to his own recovery just like I had to.
Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson