I once thought that serenity was unobtainable for me. That was because its inherent definition was the state of being calm, peaceful, and untroubled, and for the longest time, I had none of the above. Angry, unsettled, and very much troubled would have been far better descriptors of how I usually lived my life. This past year all of that has changed and I’ve come to the conclusion that my amount of serenity is in direction proportion with how much of my will is turned over to the care of God.
Up until I quit drinking and drugs, I can safely say I probably had a zero percentage of serenity in my life. During those years I lived in constant fear around my sexuality, I had many ups and downs from the amount of substances I put within me, and the only moments of peace I felt were when I’d manage to go several days clean and sober.
It wasn’t until I put down all the alcohol, drugs, and cigarettes for good that I experienced my first truest taste of serenity and that day came on June 11th, 1995. In that first day of complete sobriety, I actually began my journey of turning over my will to God. Unfortunately, it wasn’t my entire will. Over the years after that date, I always kept a percentage of my self-will in an active state by acting out in other addictions. In doing this, the same pattern held true with experiencing little serenity. As I engaged in other addictions like gambling or sex and love based ones, I’d go back to feeling those crazy highs and lows and would feel everything but the state of being at peace. In contrast, the moments that I invested more into my spiritual path instead of living in self-will with those substitute addictions, I’d feel a much greater sense of peace within.
Self-will and free will are essentially the same thing and as a human being I am given the ability to live in it all the time. When I’m doing anything addiction based, I’m doing just that and using it to its absolute max. In those moments, I couldn’t care less about anyone or anything else and any ability to feel serene becomes next to impossible. When I move away from all those addictions and invest myself more in selfless behaviors, spirituality, and loving everyone equally and without judgment, my serenity seems to become much greater.
I have eighteen years now of being completely free of all alcohol, drugs, and cigarettes and over a year now from the rest of any other addictions I have suffered from. It’s become so much clearer to me today that serenity can be felt in any given moment. I once thought the clearest picture of serenity was that of a Buddhist monk who meditates for most of the day. While that’s one level of becoming serene, there are other levels as well. As I work out of my life all those troubled areas that my free will got me into, I am able to experience serenity in things that I wasn’t able to before.
The idea of driving around in almost standstill traffic and being able to remain calm was unthinkable for me not too long ago. Now I’m able to and can even smile when people are honking their horns or flashing their lights at me because they feel I’m going too slow for them. The thought of sitting through an AA meeting filled me with dread for a large part of the first seventeen years of my sobriety. Now I look forward to going to them and am able to sit still and listen to the speaker much easier. And the concept of spending any time alone at all brought out great fear within me for most of my life. Now I enjoy being by myself more than not and find I am making even greater strides in my ability to experience serenity when I do so.
This ability to feel serenity continues to evolve as I grow closer in my relationship to God. The more I’ve turned over those parts of my will when I’ve gotten caught up in being angry and unsettled, the greater I have found serenity all around me. Ironically it always was there, I just wasn’t able to see or feel it because of how caught up I was in my own self will. On the days I choose to live in that self will, I often miss experiencing how serene a thunderstorm is, or a squirrel eating a nut close by is, or a cat purring on the floor next to me is, or the beauty of a garden nearby is, or watching my nephews giggle is, and so much more. But on the days when I choose to live entirely in God’s will, I can find that serenity can be found in even a drop of dew on a blade of grass.
The truest test of my serenity though has been when I’m able to remain calm and peaceful even in the midst of when one of life’s storms happen such as someone yelling at me, or when I’m running late to something, or if things aren’t going the way my ego wishes for it to go. I’ve seen progress in all of these areas but I still have many more avenues I need to work through. I know now that when I feel angry or unsettled, that it’s just a sign to show me there is more work for me to do in letting something go before I can experience serenity in it.
The bottom line is that the easiest path to a life filled with serenity is one where I’ve become willing to let go of my self will. It’s one where I’ve turned over my will to the care of God instead. And it’s one where my life experiences a lot less ups and downs and a lot more of that state of being calm, peaceful, and untroubled.
Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson