I’m trying not to harbor any resentments with my sister’s husband. Seriously, I’m really trying. But, it’s been tough not to do so after staying with them in their new home these past few days. As the saying goes, one could have cut the tension in the air there with a knife during much of my visit. I’m writing this entry on Father’s Day as today has proven to be quite a thorn in my side. It’s much of the reason for any feeling of resentment that I’m now having and trying to let go of. It’s my hope that in writing this, I’ll find the healing I’m seeking within as that seems to work for me lately.
For what little time I have been given to see my family since they moved from Massachusetts to Tennessee, being invited on this trip was truly a blessing. While I had some fear surrounding this trip because of that tension between my brother-in-law and me, I did my best to remain positive. Unfortunately, when I made a request to borrow my sister’s car to go to a local new age store to get a crystal that my spiritual teacher had suggested might help me, it struck a raw nerve in my sister’s husband. This all began a few weeks earlier when the two of us had a run-in after it had been discovered that Father’s Day was on the weekend my partner and I were visiting. Upon finding this out, he requested to have a good chunk of Father’s Day spent alone with his family without my partner and I, even though we were guests in his home and were only there to be with them. I had inquired on why we couldn’t all be together for the day and the only answer I got was that it wasn’t what he wanted. My ego had gotten the best of me in those moments and I had indicated I wasn’t ok with that request. So at the time of me requesting to go borrow my sister’s car and head to a store for a short bit of time to get something that may help my health and healing, he made a comparison to the time alone that he had been asking for. Ironically, I wasn’t asking for this short trip to be time alone but I also wasn’t allowed to take my nephews with me either. He has continuously stated he doesn’t feel safe with me driving his kids anywhere because of one minor fender-bender I had once in my life just over a year ago. I tried to explain how my request was extremely different because of this, but he couldn’t see it from any perspective other his own. When I finally pulled him aside and tried to talk to him one-on-one, it didn’t go over so well and instead he stated he felt I was selfish and self-centered, that I didn’t have a good recovery program, that he didn’t really like me and that the main reason why he wanted Father’s Day alone was for that reason. Sadly, with my sister’s fear and co-dependency issues, she refused to choose a side and instead tried to come up with a compromises that might please both people which ended up placing her in the middle and bringing her misery because of it.
Like the entry I posted a few days ago, I understand that my brother-in-law is harboring his own anger and resentments towards me from many of my own past behaviors and he hasn’t been able to get over them. Sometimes I think it’s coming from a lot more than just some of those addiction behaviors I affected him with, but regardless, it has tainted the possibility of having a close relationship with my sister or my nephews. So as I sit here and have a large portion of the day without all of my family, I reflect on how this day began with one of my nephews approaching me and asking innocently how long it would be before I was ready to go to breakfast with them. I could see he didn’t understand when I told him that his own family was going out without me today. Sometimes I wish everyone could see just how much my sister’s husband’s resentments towards me are hurting everyone in his family and not just me. As he left with his children after breakfast to take them somewhere else, I knew deep down that if he asked his kids to be honest, that they would have either wanted me to come along with them or they would have wanted to remain back at home to hang out with me. I wonder sometimes if they are as afraid to truly speak from their heart to their father as I know I was with my mother for most of my life.
Thankfully, I have a very wise and blessed spiritual teacher in my life that has been helping me to let go of my control that my ego has tried to place in my life such as with this whole Father’s Day issue. After that good discussion with that teacher, I had decided it was best to let go of what my ego felt it needed and let them do what they wanted today.
While I know I wouldn’t his behaviors to anyone today, the sad thing is that I did do them previously in my life when I was active in my addictions. My sister was actually one of those I did them to when many years ago I left her sitting in my apartment to watch television as I left for a “date” with someone that I just couldn’t get myself to postpone until after she was gone. Maybe it’s a good thing that all of this happened today as I know how it feels now because of this and it hurts. It was a selfish thing to do then, and it really is selfish now for what he’s doing, but nonetheless, I really can’t judge him because I’m guilty of the behavior myself. I just pray to God I never do these behaviors again because it does nothing more than bring about anger and resentments in others, and a lot more darkness within my own soul.
I sincerely doubt my sister’s husband will ever be able to clearly see just how much light I am trying to let into my life today and how selfless I’m really am becoming, until he fully chooses to follow in a similar path where he might find total forgiveness for my past. Until that day arrives, the best I’ll be able to ever do is pray for him with love, forgiveness, and peace. And I’m going to continue to “kill ’em with kindness” by doing my best in letting go of all my ego’s attempts to control him.
I’m grateful for the insight that came in all of this writing, because on some level, a healing must have happened since I don’t feel angry or resentful towards my brother-in-law as I finish this entry. So thank you God for this gift of healing that came through my writing…
Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson
It seems to me your brother in law is predudice angainst you because your gay and he can’t deal with it. Its all on him. He doesn’t have a program of recovery and doesn’t understand the principals of forgiveness. As long as you take the high road and it sounds like you did “kill them with kindness”