Month: August 2013

My pride and ego got a little bruised the other night and that’s probably a good thing. And it all started with an expectation that I had built on Sunday evening without even realizing it. I’ve written about this very subject once before, but I find it’s important to stress again that expectations really do lead to resentments. And unfortunately my expectation from Sunday night led me to feeling just that.

This expectation began with plans I had for Sunday evening to go to an AA meeting in another town that my home group had been invited to speak at. Normally most of our speaking engagements are at detox centers, hospitals, and halfway houses, so I considered this to be a rather special treat. In AA, speaking in meetings, helping out a newcomer, sponsoring others, and getting active in a home group are all part of what is considered 12th step work. Essentially with the 12th step, people who are in recovery get out of themselves and do what they can to help someone else by sharing their experience, strength, and hope. This is critical to the recovery process given how selfish and self-centered most alcoholics and addicts are when they are active in their disease.

The last time I had done any 12th step work with my home group had been almost four weeks prior and I believe in reflecting on that in advance led to the beginnings of this expectation. Before the meeting had even begun, my mind had started thinking about what I was going to say at the podium. When the rest of my group arrived that night, I noticed a large number of them had come but one of them that had tagged along was actually not one of our members. My expectation to speak turned into a resentment not too long after this when the chairperson called upon this guest to speak, who did so for around 15 minutes. By the end of the meeting, time ran out and two members of our group, one of which included me, had never gotten called upon. Unfortunately, this is where my pride and ego got bruised and my mind had tried to take over with anger towards not only the chairperson for not calling upon me but also this guest for taking up so much time.

Through prayer came understanding when I realized that what I might have had to say at the podium might not have been what God was wanting the listeners to hear that night. Even more importantly, I discovered this guest of our group was really in a bad spot in his life and had been dealing with depression as of late because of his nephew dying of an overdose just a few weeks earlier. Knowing that truly helped to shift my resentment to compassion.

Looking back, I realized that me showing up and being available to speak was doing the 12th step work already. It was my pride and ego that told me I had to speak and they created an expectation as a result which only led to a resentment. It’s good that this happened to me though because it showed that I’m not perfect in any way with my AA recovery. And I definitely can see how I still have room to grow and learn. The bottom line that I realized at the end of Sunday night really came down to this…If God had wanted me to speak, I would have been called upon. Instead, I think my lesson was to listen the entire evening and a wise person probably could say what I learned was a valuable lesson in humility.

Peace, love, light, and joy,

Andrew Arthur Dawson

I spent some time with a few friends on Saturday for a nice barbecue. While I was there, I was informed that one of the women I know in recovery is trying so very hard to save a few people from their addictions. I inquired further on how she was attempting to do this and was informed that she was essentially dragging people that are still active addicts to AA meetings. If there’s one thing I’ve learned over the years in my own recovery it’s the fact that the only person I can save from any addiction is myself.

Al-Anon was founded on this very principle. A very long time ago there was a woman named Lois Wilson who discovered that even with a lot of love and compassion, she couldn’t prevent her husband Bill from drinking. When Bill began the program of Alcoholics Anonymous with Dr. Bob Smith, she began organizing her own meetings with the wives of the husbands that Bill was trying to get sober with. It was during those meetings that the principles of Al-Anon were established.

Even though I had heard long before I ever went to my first Al-Anon meeting that I could only save myself from an addiction, it took me years of still trying to do so with active alcoholics and addicts to figure that out. The first person I was presented this lesson with was with my mother. No matter how hard I tried to love her, educate her, take her to a meeting, or get her to therapy, she refused all my attempts to helping her. She eventually died from her addiction. My sister did the same behaviors with my father to no avail as well. He too died from the disease. Over the years that passed once I found sobriety, I got into relationships with many people, all of whom suffered from some form of an addiction. With each, I did my best to try to save them from their living hell. Some of them I repeated the same behaviors that I did with my mother. Like my mother, none of them ever got better either. Some of them I even tried to pay off much of their debts thinking that would help. Within a short amount of time they were back in debt again and just as sick from their addictions, if not worse. The list goes on of the amount of people I exerted tons and tons of effort on to try to get them on a path of recovery from their own addictions. I was never successful with any of them.

The sad reality for anyone that suffers from an addiction is that their only hope for recovery from their disease comes from when they are truly ready and willing to do the work to heal. Many people back in my college days tried their best to show me how much of an alcoholic and addict I really was. I just scoffed at them and continued on my tragic ways. During many of my sobriety years I was also severely addicted and codependent on most of the men I chased after and got into relationships with. So many tried to get me to see this as well. I only ignored those people’s attempts and continued to do what I felt was best for me, which at the time was to stay in those addictions.

It took me hitting rock bottom with every addiction I ever suffered from to seek the path of recovery from it. I had a rock bottom with alcohol, drugs, cigarettes, sex, love, caffeine, chocolate, and a bunch of other things too. For all those people that tried to intervene and save me from any one of them, the only thing they were successful in doing was prolonging the inevitable. Sometimes the best thing for someone to do that is trying to help an active addict is to walk out of their lives and detach with love so that they can spiral downward and hit their rock bottom all on their own. Trying to fix an addict’s messes or pamper them with a lot of love and compassion even when they are terribly mean does nothing other than keep them thinking what their doing is ok.

After too many years of ups and downs, vast amounts of dollars lost, and a lot of headaches and heartaches, I finally realized I couldn’t save anyone except myself. The best thing I do today for those still suffering from any addiction is to keep myself open to helping them if they may ever approach me for it. And until they do, I know the only other thing I can do is pray to God that they may hit their rock bottom without dying from their addictions like my parent’s did. It is only at rock bottom where anyone can truly begin to find their way to recovery, just like I and so many others have already done.

Peace, love, light, and joy,

Andrew Arthur Dawson