There was a time my sister Laura and I fought like cats and dogs. I guess we both might say that I was the dog who barked at her all the time, and she was the cat who scratched and hissed back at me. This fighting started between us way back in our childhood and even continued into much of our adulthood, but along the line, all that began to change. Today, I regard my sister totally different but that wasn’t the case from as far back as I can remember.
When I was a young kid, I can remember so many times that I did nothing more than torment her daily. I believe it really was due to the fact that she was so popular while most considered me a dork or a nerd and I became jealous of that. So I did whatever I could to take away the glory I thought she had in life by teasing and ridiculing her constantly. I can’t remember much of the things I said to her back then but I do know they weren’t nice as they often were met with doors slammed in my face or on my hands. One time she even put a pencil through the palm of my left hand. And another time she slammed my head into a garbage can cutting it open. Looking back, I don’t blame her for these reactions. We both endured immense difficulties in our household with codependent, alcoholic, and mentally imbalanced parents. And I was just icing on the cake for her stress. I was definitely that kid who always told on his sister all the time. This always shifted my parents negative focus and yelling away from me and onto her. And it’s a shame because she didn’t just suffer from my parents imbalances, she did from my own as well.
When she left for college, I’m sure she was greatly relieved to get away from our family. We didn’t speak much, other than at holidays, and within a few years, I turned into my parents by quickly becoming an alcoholic and addict. This complicated my relationship with my sister even more because as most alcoholics and addicts like to do, they find ways to blame and manipulate others quite easily. Unfortunately, this is what I did to her for years. I learned how to make her feel guilty to get what I wanted from her and I was never there for her when she really needed a friend.
The first positive change that came to our relationship was when she called me in tears in October, 1996 and told me that our father had committed suicide. I think somehow the shock of losing him so suddenly at his relatively young age really made me begin to look at how I had been treating her and so distant as well. For about nine years after that, our relationship went from avoidance to reconciliation on some level although much of my controlling and manipulating behaviors still remained active at times. In February of 2005, she called me again in tears and told me that our mother had died tragically from a fall down the stairs while she was drunk. For a healthy brother, this would have been the time to reach out and truly support the only remaining family member I had, which was her. But I wasn’t healthy, not in the least bit. I had remained active in other addictions since getting clean and sober years earlier, which only kept my disease alive and me in unhealthy behaviors. For years, my sister made many attempts to reach out and call me. When we spoke, it was always about my drama, my messes, my fears, my worries, and well, me. And suddenly, her calls started subsiding and the distance began to grow great again between us.
It wasn’t until I became so broken in my own life to realize just how much I had lost. And that was when I landed in a mental hospital where my sister came to see me during visitor hours on one of those days. You see, that’s my sister. No matter how much of an ass I ever was to her for all those years that began back in our childhood, she always stood by my side faithfully. It’s unfortunate, but true, that when the brain is foggy and the heart is clouded over with blackness, and when a person does nothing more than think of their own self by living in addictions and darkness, it’s impossible to see the beauty in life that is right around them all the time. And that’s how it was with me and how I failed to see just how amazing my sister always was.
Slowly but surely after that five day stint in that locked ward, I began letting go of all the things that essentially had continued to keep me this way for most of my life. Thankfully this allowed me to clearly see how amazing my sister really is and always has been. And the following is just a handful of the reasons why I know my sister is amazing…
My sister is amazing because…
…she made me so many home cooked meals of things she knew I loved even when I never cooked anything for her and rarely took her out for a meal.
…she made my favorite desserts at the holidays even when they weren’t anyone else’s favorites.
…she created many unique gifts for me that included necklaces, bracelets, and pressed glass even when I gave her many thoughtless gifts or no gifts at all.
…she invited me into her own home to live for a time when I had no where else to go.
…she listened to every single problem I ever had and had compassion for me, even when I had often had none for her.
…she always believed in me when I didn’t believe in myself.
…she was there for me when I didn’t know how to be there for myself.
…no matter how mean I was to her, no matter how bad I yelled at her, no matter how guilty I made her feel, and no matter how terrible I acted towards her, she continued to love me even when I didn’t know how to love myself or anyone else.
This entry is my dedication to my sister Laura and all those other sisters out there who have loved their brothers as unconditionally as my own sister did with me. My sister is awesome and I love her dearly. She really an amazing woman, is one of my best friends, and definitely a blessing from God.
Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson