In the past few months, three of my friends who had a number of years of sobriety under their belt have all relapsed. In each of their cases, what led to this was them getting involved in a new intimate relationship with someone who became a higher priority to them then their Higher Power and recovery was.
The original 12 Steps were written by Dr. Bob Smith and Bill Wilson to guide people in their recovery to a Higher Power that could save them from the disease of alcohol addiction and the constant relapsing. Since then, many other 12 Step programs have emerged over the years using this same principle because it was found in all the other addictions as well that people couldn’t find sobriety when trying to do it on their own. When anyone is active in any addiction, their higher power generally becomes themselves or the “substance” of their addiction. For the three friends of mine who recently relapsed, and for many others like them, something was placed in front of their Higher Power, and their recovery, with more importance. Usually this happens after getting several years of sobriety under the belt where a person is more comfortable being sober and feels they don’t have to do as much work in their recovery.
Unfortunately, getting comfortable in recovery also becomes rocky ground when a new intimate relationship enters the equation. There’s a “high” that’s experienced from that new connection, and often that seems more alluring then continuing to do the hard work they’ve been doing for years in their recovery to stay close to their Higher Power. So initially what happens for these people is that they start skipping meetings. Then they stop hanging out with the fellowship. Soon they forget about their prayer and meditation time. And then the day comes when too many negative things happen to them and the desire creeps back in to numb their frustration with that substance from their former addiction. The other side of the coin is true as well when the day comes where the person has an abundance of good things happen to them and the desire to celebrate with that substance from their former addiction returns. While in either case they may resist the first, second, or even third round of temptation, eventually many succumb to it as they had developed too distant of a connection to their Higher Power and lost their defense against relapsing.
This is the reason why there’s an unwritten suggestion in all of the 12 Step meetings I’ve attended throughout the years that newcomers should refrain from getting involved in any intimate relationships during their first year of recovery. That’s because of the fact that during the first year of anyone’s recovery, what’s being built within them is that defense against picking back up whatever the substance of their addiction is. So if the focus for the newcomer is mostly on building an intimate relationship, they never get the chance to find that connection to their Higher Power and often relapse quite quickly when things go haywire in their lives.
A few years ago, while I wasn’t a newcomer, I was one of those people who let a relationship come in front of my connection to God. I had become obsessed with an intimate relationship I was having with someone who was very toxic and wasn’t able to draw a sober breath on most days. Little by little, I had stopped praying, meditating, going to meetings, and hanging out with healthy people, all of which was weakening my defense against a relapse. And one day, after more than 14 years of sobriety, during a particularly stressful moment with this man, I grabbed a cold beer on a table in front of him and almost drank it. Thankfully I didn’t, but my connection to my Higher Power and my recovery was that weak that I almost did. Sadly, it took me several more years of treading water with temptation before I eliminated all of those toxic intimate relationships and focused on putting my Higher Power and my recovery first again.
Intimate relationships are probably the number one cause of people with short or long term sobriety, relapsing. It’s often due to them making those relationships be a higher priority then their Higher Power and their recovery. The longer they place that relationship first and their Higher Power and recovery second, not only will they eventually lose that relationship, they stand a good chance on losing themselves back into their disease of addiction.
If you are in a relationship right now and are either new to recovery, or been around for awhile, take a moment, breathe, and then ask yourself where your connection to your Higher Power and your recovery is on your priority scale. If most of your time is being dedicated to that relationship, and only a small amount of time is focused on your Higher Power and recovery, please realize you are putting yourself at risk for a relapse. Realign your priorities to make your Higher Power and your recovery be first in your life and know in doing so, you’ll have the best defense necessary to never relapse again.
Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson
Good post! I have experienced the power of the emotions of a relationship with a woman and how wrapped up I get in the relationship with the desire to make the other person the priority and put my needs aside and lose focus on what I need to do to take care of myself.
Great topic today! thanks, Andrew