I have never heard God speak directly to me, at least not that I’ve ever been aware of. Nor have I ever seen any angels, spirits, or ghosts during my life…yet. I have also never received any irrefutable proof that anything exists beyond this plane. While I have seen many television shows, read many books, and heard of many phenomena that say otherwise, to this day I’m still waiting for something to happen to me in such a direct way where my brain will never be able to refute the existence of God ever again.
There are some things though that have happened to me, which may not necessarily be classified as otherworldly, where I’ve been wondering if they are the way the spiritual realm is choosing to communicate with me at this time. One of those very things occurred just a few days ago when I was in New York City with my closest friend for our annual Christmas holiday trip there. Let me first say that I was questionable on whether I was even going to go this year because of the level of physical pain I’ve been enduring as of late. For days leading up to it, I prayed to God asking if I was supposed to go or not, but I never got any answer. I decided that the absence of getting one was that I had to make the decision all on my own. So I ended up choosing to go, even in the midst of having great physical pain.
When the day arrived and I found myself walking the streets of New York City with my friend, I was really struggling being present at times with the things we were doing. My body was hurting immensely with each step I took and I was having to pray quite a bit in my head for the strength to make it through the entire day. I began wondering how much more I was going to be able to take of the physical pain being a part of my life and at a certain point, I hurt so much that I couldn’t go on with the site seeing. I asked my friend if he was opened to going to St. Patricks Cathedral to have a prolonged rest period there because of it. Normally I’d do this anyway during my visits in previous years, but in those they always were brief just to take a few snapshots and say a quick prayer. This time around though we decided to spend a good hour resting in the pews until the final worship service of the day started. When it began, I was so exhausted from the pain that my eyes kept closing. That all changed though when the priest’s sermon began. It was then that I felt somehow God might be trying to communicate to me through the sermon, which was about one thing…perseverance.
By definition, perseverance is defined as having a steadfastness in doing something despite difficulty or delay in achieving success. When the priest started talking about this by sharing a story about a saint who endured great pain and never lost their faith, my heart began to stir. The length of time that I have endured great physical pain with no answers and little relief has had me often wanting to just give up and pack it in for good. And to be totally honest, I’ve questioned a lot lately whether God even exists because of it. But even in the midst of all that, I have prayed diligently every single day for answers and relief, but they’ve never come in the way my brain has hoped for. Instead, I have wondered if they’ve been arriving indirectly in ways like this priest’s sermon. The thought of that overwhelmed me so much in my pew that I began to cry.
Having perseverance is not an easy thing to do especially when so much physical pain is involved. And I know my ego has truly been hoping for a more direct answer from God, such as a big booming voice coming out of thin air where only I can hear it and where I’m enveloped in a warm brilliant white light. But that hasn’t happened, nor did it happen in that cathedral. Instead what did happen was that I heard a message that told me to continue to persevere in my quest to heal and not lose my faith that God will get me there.
Holding steadfast in this belief in the absence of receiving any direct signs indicating so is probably the biggest challenge I’ve ever undertaken in this lifetime. So many have said I should just give up and seek a prescription of some type of narcotic to numb the pain. Others have tempted to lure me back into addictions to deal with it. But so far, I’ve resisted both of these and instead have stayed on course choosing to believe in something I still don’t know if it even exists.
So was all of it just a coincidence that I was at a church service that day where the sermon’s message was about perseverance? Was my being there all arranged by some Guiding Force that is working beyond my perception of things? I don’t know the answer to these questions, but what I do know is that I was there and I did hear something that stirred my heart and soul that day.
I often wonder if God doesn’t talk to us directly because the answers might not ever satisfy our egos. Maybe things have to happen indirectly to us, like being led to hear that sermon’s message, because that’s how we’re wired. Regardless of what the truth really is, that sermon made me realize I still had two choices in front of me…Persevere with blind faith that God won’t leave me in this dark place, or give up and go back to medications, drugs, and addictions to try to numb my pain.
I decided that the best choice for me was to continue to persevere for one reason and one reason only. Deep down the thing I want most in life is to make it through this and know that God was always there guiding me through it all.
Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson