All the way back at the very beginning when I first starting writing this blog, I made mention to a person that had once been a very big part of my life. He was someone that I had formed a codependent bond with for many years where I consistently found it too difficult to break from. That all changed though almost two years ago when I began separating myself from every unhealthy attachment I had in my life, most of which were codependent based. Unfortunately, my sister informed me of some information yesterday indicating that both she and this former friend might still be struggling with fully letting go of their codependent behaviors.
For those who don’t know what being codependent means, it’s defined in Wikipedia as a psychological condition or a relationship in which a person is controlled or manipulated by another. It also can refer to the over dependence on the needs of, or control of, another and can involve placing a lower priority on one’s own needs, while being excessively preoccupied with the needs of someone else. Sometimes, as in the case of what my sister informed me, it even deals with the inability that people have at times to let unhealthy connections permanently go.
I know that pattern very well as I kept this person in my life for four years, three of which would have never occurred if I had been working through my codependent behaviors. I’m grateful to say though that I’ve been able to maintain my distance from him for the past twenty-three months. It’s a good thing too because I know there’s a good chance I would have fallen back into those behaviors again if I hadn’t. Codependency is a lot like an addiction in that I don’t believe it ever goes away completely. It’s more like it goes into a state of remission once its behaviors are curbed but it could resurface at any time given the right conditions. This is something that I cannot afford to have happen in my life again with God at my helm these days. I just wish that would be the same case for this former friend and my sister.
What transpired earlier this week with them was that my sister received a large Harry and David Christmas basket from this former friend at her new address in Tennessee. The initial irony I found in this was that my sister could not remember ever giving my former friend her address once she moved. She too was trying to let the connection go knowing it was unhealthy for her on some level as well. It’s not really that important anymore to talk about what transpired all those years ago that made my connection with this former friend so unhealthy for everyone. But to put it simply, the drama we created in our connection with each other affected everyone gravely including my family, his family, and all of our friends. My personal connection with this man ended for good because of that in January of 2012. At the time, I also chose to end any communication with his friends and family because I knew I had to if I was going to start letting go of my own codependent behaviors. Unfortunately, he didn’t do the same.
When the first holiday season rolled around, he gave my sister’s family $250 in American Express gift cards. That was when it started to become evident to my sister that he wasn’t letting me go. When they moved out of the area a few months after that, she began to distance herself from him and rarely did anything but say hello when he tried to contact her. I was convinced that this would finally help him get the point and start letting me go on all levels. That was until my sister told me about this large Christmas gift basket she received from him the other day.
While it’s obvious to me that this former friend is still struggling on some level to let me go, I was also saddened to hear that my sister fell back into some of her own codependent behaviors because of his gift. Prior to receiving it, she had no intention of giving him anything this holiday season. But because of her own guilt and worry, she bought something in return and sent it to him. Not only did that action reinforce her own codependent behaviors, it’s did for him as well. It gave hope to my former friend that he’s still connected to me in some way and it kept my sister maintaining a connection that she really doesn’t wish to have anymore.
Breaking free of codependent behaviors is a lot of hard work. Sometimes it means letting go of the people we might have once cared about greatly. And sometimes it means having to overcome those feelings of guilt or shame by not reacting to them. There are many reactions that my sister could have had to his gift that would have been moving her towards a life free from codependency. But sadly, buying a gift in return wasn’t one of them. While she could have done a return to sender for his gift or donated it to someone else, the one action that would benefit her growth the greatest is the one she keeps avoiding. It’s the one where she contacts this former friend and cuts the cord to him for good.
This is what I have had to do each time I wanted to break free from codependency and it’s brought me great freedom each time I have. I definitely know it would do the same for my sister. Even more importantly, I also know it would help this man to let me go once and for all.
While deep down I know he probably wishes that I’ll come back in his life one day down the road, I have already accepted the fact that it can’t and won’t ever happen. Codependent relationships robbed me of a life devoted to serving God. They hurt my health and healing processes. And they prevented me from growing healthy and loving connections with anyone else, including myself. Because of these things, it will never be worth the risk to even reach out and say hello just once to him or anyone I was once connected to like him.
It’s my hope and prayer for this former friend that he will completely let me go one day and end all attempts to keep me around in some fashion, including through my sister’s family. On the same level, I pray for my sister too. When both can fully let go of their codependent behaviors, I know they will begin to experience a much deeper and fuller relationship with not only themselves, but also with the God of their understanding.
Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson