I believe everyone deep down in this world wants to feel desired by another in their lifetime. Ultimately, I have always thought that this is the main driving force why two people start dating and eventually become an item. Sadly though, what happens all too often with those couples is that their desire starts to wane for each other somewhere down the road. And the sole reason why this ever happens is that one or both of them begins making less of an effort to show their desire for the other as they once did.
When two people meet and begin dating, there’s an electricity that starts surging through that new connection when the two find out they like each other. That electricity feels quite a bit like having an over abundance of energy and it often drives each person in that new connection to make a tremendous effort to show their desire for one another. Some call this the romance phase, others may call it a courting phase, but it’s during this time that their desire for each other is shown quite regularly. I want to be sure I say this right off the bat that the desire I’m referring to at this time is not necessarily about sex either. What I’m really talking about are those surprise gifts that are often exchanged, the long phone calls that are often had, the constant attention and affection that is often given, and the winks, the holding of hands and the sense of touch that is often shared. All of these things are at a very high level during the first phase of most new relationships. Unfortunately though, these things have the tendency to not last long for many couples. That’s because their behaviors often change, and not for the better either, once that electricity starts to wear off and the over abundance of energy begins to level out.
So when that initial romance and courting phase of a relationship is over, it’s then that many will become settled in their relationship and stop placing consistent effort to show how much they still desire their partner. That leads to those surprise gifts for each other happening less and less, those long phone calls with each other becoming shorter and shorter, that attention and affection being shown to each other in tinier and tinier amounts, and those winks, the holding of hands, and that sense of touch occurring more and more infrequently.
Inevitably, all of this leads the person feeling less desired to question their other half on why they aren’t receiving the attention they once used to get from them. There is a downside of that action though in that it usually is met with a self defense reaction from their partner. What I mean by that is the other partner often defends themselves by saying nothing’s changed and they still feel the same about them. They’ll further state that they still love them, and that it should be enough if they are in the same house together, or on the same couch near each other, or sleeping in the same bed next to each other. If this questioning happens repeatedly, the one partner who’s being questioned will begin to feel like they can’t do anything right and that’s when anger can become a common emotion within them. If they stay angry, instead of looking at how they can bring back some of the desire they once showed the other person, it will only lead them to pull even further back from showing it.
The other partner on the other hand, the one who is feeling less and less desired, is going to grow tired of trying to ask for it. If they choose to stay in that relationship, even when the other partner seems to be making no changes for the better, they will frequently search for something else to fill that void. The sad thing is that this is when those people can become seriously addicted to various things such as alcohol, drugs, porn, overeating, over-shopping, and smoking. Eventually though, one of two things will ultimately happen to every one of the relationships that get to this stage.
The first and more likely to happen is total infidelity. The partner who wants to feel desired again often cheats on the other just to feel desired again. The other partner who is constantly being accused of not showing it enough often cheats as a way of getting back at their partner for constantly nagging them about what they’re not doing right. But what they are really both doing in this action is self-sabotaging it because they aren’t willing to work together to bring the desire back. And it’s that action that will lead to the second thing, the complete demise of their relationship, where one or both believe it’s better to be single and start over. The sad thing is that this pattern usually just repeats itself again in future relationships.
I have a lot of experience with this topic as I’ve been on both the receiving end of partners showing me less and less desire, and on the giving end of me offering less and less of it as well. To put it bluntly, it sucks being on the receiving end of it, especially when I’ve still tried to demonstrate the same level of desire for a partner since the beginning. Being in that position always made me feel like I was being used and taken advantage of. And for all the other times where I was on the side of the coin, it was usually because I took my partner for granted and placed my desire into things I thought was more deserving of it. All in all though, I really was just being selfish and self-centered when I did that.
Today, I believe the only solution to preventing this downward spiral of desire is to put my partner’s needs ahead of my own. In doing so, that’s when it becomes natural for me to want to show my desire for my partner through all those special and unique ways without being asked. Granted, I’ve learned it takes more work in a relationship to show this when that initial electricity and overabundance of energy calms down. But, since my goal is to have a lifelong monogamous relationship with my partner, it’s clear how important it is to keep this up long after that romance and courting phase ends and really indefinitely.
So the next time you find yourself in a relationship being asked by your partner to show them more desire, I encourage you to take a moment, breathe, and try to remember those things you once did during that romance and courting phase of your relationship. If you’re not regularly doing those things anymore and want to see this relationship last, you might want to put more effort back into doing them again before you find yourself single and alone. But if you happen to be the one who is not feeling desired anymore by your partner and you’ve already exhausted many efforts to try to rekindle it, I encourage you to take a moment, breathe, and realize it may be time to move on to someone else who can show you the desire that God knows you deserve…
Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson