In the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous, Bill Wilson states that the root of all one’s addiction troubles is selfishness and self-centeredness. In many religions, including Christianity, Buddhism, and Hinduism, those traits are incompatible within oneself, if they desire to walk a spiritually based life. The more that I’ve done my absolute best to walk on that path, the more I have been able to see when any of my behaviors are still exhibiting those traits. In the 12-Step recovery world, the 10th Step is a tool I use regularly to identify those times. One such occasion actually occurred during my recent vacation with my partner.
I’ve always tried to take an annual vacation in the Caribbean or somewhere else that’s warm during the cold winter months. Living in those Northern states where the winters can get quite harsh drives me to the need for a reprieve from it for at least a week or two every single year. With the exception of maybe a few years, I’ve been doing this annual migration south for the past decade. Now that I have partner in my life, I’ve been able to go on them with someone I deeply care about and love.
When I took last year’s vacation with my partner, I made a decision that I didn’t put much thought towards. I decided to fly down a few days ahead of him to the island of Puerto Rico and stay at a resort all by myself. I justified my action with the attitude that I could do it because I wasn’t tied down to a job or school like he was. When last year’s entire vacation was over, my partner told to me it would have been nice to begin and end the vacation together. Those were wise words that I failed to heed.
When 2014 rolled around and it came time to take my vacation again, I had already made a decision to go on it a few days earlier than my partner once again. I said I was going to use that time to get to some recovery meetings and spend some time with myself. My partner asked me to reconsider multiple times and yet I didn’t listen. When one of my sponsees asked me on several different occasions before I left why I was going on this vacation alone for a few days when I had a partner, it began to sit uncomfortably within me. I’ve learned in my life that when something does this, that there must be a lesson within it. And indeed there was.
Those first few days on my vacation this year were eye opening for me. I didn’t feel very well throughout most of them on so many levels. It ended up completely slowing me down to the point where I was forced to reflect on how my decision to start my vacation early was somewhat selfish and self-centered. I realized that the downfall of many of my past relationships was based upon decisions like that one.
In all of my previous relationships, including even my friends, I generally thought most about me first, and them second. With my current partner, he and I are only afforded the luxury of taking one extended vacation per year. With that being said, I realized in all those moments I wasn’t feeling well that I lost the chance to fly out with him and mutually experience the excitement of getting to somewhere warm. I realized I missed out on several moments that could have connected the two of us even closer and in a spiritual way. But most importantly, I utilized the 10th Step from my recovery in those moments by taking a personal inventory. And that’s when I realized I was wrong in my decision to travel on that vacation alone for a few days.
As the 10th Step indicates, when we were wrong, we promptly admitted it. And I did just this the day before my partner was to arrive at the airport. I contacted him and told him that my decision had been selfish and self-centered. I also made him a promise that I would not repeat that action again for the vacation we would take next year. After our conversation, it actually felt as if a burden was lifted off of my chest. I became more relaxed and started feeling much better. When my partner arrived the very next day, it was a night and day difference in how I felt from those first few days when I spent them alone taking care of my selfishness.
The moral of this story is quite simple. Each and every day all of us in this world, whether we are in recovery or not, have the ability to reflect back on all the things we did during that day. While some of our actions may have been truly selfless and inspiring, many were still laden with selfishness and self-centeredness. For those in recovery and those trying to walk a Higher Ground, those traits are poison and can lead us back into addiction-like behaviors and darkness. Thankfully, my relationship with my Higher Power helped me to see one of those times. And hopefully, it can help all of you see yours as well, so that we may all be on the path together towards spiritual enlightenment and unconditional love.
Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson
