I went to an AA meeting today and heard a woman talk about a relapse she went through recently after a long period of sobriety. Something she said really moved me to comment during that meeting, enough so that I wanted to write about it here as well. Towards the end of her share she mentioned she was really far from being the person she used to be and missed that part of herself.
Here’s my simple truth on that matter…
I don’t ever want to be who I used to be.
Sometimes it’s easy for the ego to say that things were so much better in the past. Trust me, I should know given the pain levels I’ve been enduring in my spiritual journey to heal and grow closer to God. There have been many-a-days where I have romanticized my old life, the one where I was able to get around and participate in a lot more things. But the reality is that I am spiritually healthier and so much more in tune with unconditional love and light today, than I was back then. While I might have been more active in sports and in various other activities, the sad truth is that I also lived in a tremendous amount of darkness during those times. Who I used to be then was the same person that led me continuously into one addiction after another.
As for that woman in the AA meeting, she hasn’t realized yet that the woman she misses being is the same woman that led herself into her relapse. She also doesn’t understand that she has already grown through that relapse and is becoming healthier than who she was prior to it. The same principle holds true for me.
I grew an incredible amount by living in all my addictions and relapses. Honestly, going through all of that darkness is what helps me to speak openly today about who I am now and who I am still becoming.
Often many people in recovery will give up and relapse when the pain starts piling up. For this woman, a failed relationship was enough pain to lead her back out. Through spiritual work with her sponsor and her Higher Power though, she’ll realize that there was a gift in all of what she went through. Her relapse revealed a weakness in her recovery program and spiritual life that she was living before going back out. While she might feel more pain now than she did before her relapse, she truly is spiritually growing beyond her past self.
I really admire when a person shares so openly like this woman did today. Her courage is impressive and it shows her Higher Power is working within her. I pray that she realizes this soon enough and learns she is already healthier today than she was before her relapse. And I know through a deeper relationship with her Higher Power, she’ll eventually realize that she really is quite far from the person she used to be, but she’ll also know that’s a good thing!
Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson