I often hear people get upset in recovery meetings when they share about how their family and loved ones are not embracing them, even though they’ve been quite sober from their former alcohol and/or drug addictions for a while. Why that happens can actually be due to a number of reasons.
First and foremost, alcoholics and drug addicts have probably done many countless things that hurt those around them, especially family and loved ones. Those pains and wounds don’t just go away after a short period of time where a person remains clean and sober. Case in point, it took a friend of mine in recovery two years of remaining that way from alcohol and drugs before his family finally welcomed him back with open arms. Often, as it was in his case, there was one relapse after another time and time again with many false promises that each time was the last. Gaining trust back from loved ones usually takes at least a year, if not more, of continuous sobriety to see any major changes for the better. For some, it could even take many more years if the damage done by them was much greater. Sadly, I have even heard of some who never were embraced again by members of their family or loved ones because of the destruction created from their alcohol or drug addiction.
Another reason why families and loved ones often struggle to embrace a recovering alcoholic or drug addict can be understood through a silly slogan I heard long ago in an AA meeting.
“Just because the “alcohol” is removed from the alcoholic, there still remains the “ic” within them.”
Ending the process of consuming alcohol or taking drugs is just the beginning of a person’s recovery. Unfortunately, for someone like I once was, many can become “dry drunks” or “dry addicts”. What that means is that they still demonstrate their toxic behaviors that are no different from when they were active in their alcohol or drug addiction. I spent 12 years almost entirely this way being consumed in selfishness, self-centeredness, dishonesty, and fear. The point of 12-Step recovery is to remove all of that “ic” and toxicity by working those steps. I avoided doing that for years and watched as my family and loved ones continued to keep their distance from me.
There is still one more reason I’d like to bring up as to why families and loved ones may not embrace a person who has been clean and sober for a while. It is somewhat tied to the second reason I’ve shared already but warrants further attention. Many recovering alcoholics and drug addicts pick up other addictions after gaining various lengths of sobriety. Some start consuming caffeine in large amounts, which just creates constant mood swings. Others chase after people to have sex with and become addicted to that. There are those who start gambling and find comfort in that compulsion. I’ve seen many pick up cigarettes or start chain-smoking way beyond their casual smoking days in the past. I’ve even watched as people start seeking comfort in food, shopping, and so many other things where each becomes an addiction in itself. And what happens then is they become the exact same person they were during their active drinking and drugging days.
What the family afterwards is truly seeking from the recovering alcoholic or drug addict is unconditional love and time to heal. Those wounds can heal and forgiveness can happen, but it takes time, patience, and prayer on both parts. My sister and I are just beginning to bond again with each other and I have almost 19 years of continuous sobriety from alcohol and drugs! I realized a few years ago that I needed to remove all addictions out of my life and seek a much closer relationship to the God of my understanding for my sister and any other loved ones to embrace me fully again. I’m finding that’s now happening but it took a lot of hard work.
So if you are a former alcoholic or drug addict who’s struggling to be embraced by your family or loved ones, I encourage you to take a moment, breathe, and have a closer look at your life. Has not much time passed since you’ve been clean and sober? Are you still demonstrating old behaviors on any level? Have you succumbed to any other addictions? If you can answer yes to any of these, you may want to address them immediately. Until you do, your family most likely is not going to embrace you with open arms. But if you do, there’s a good chance they will, and you’ll probably end up feeling much brighter in life because of it.
Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson