I’ve seen more people relapse back into their addictions doing their work on the 4th Step than any of the other work that comes from doing the 12 Steps. Often it seems to become that Achilles heal for so many individuals hoping to find a better way of life in recovery. The trouble with the 4th Step is simply this, it involves a lot of writing that essentially forces a person to hold up the mirror and take a much harder look at themselves and the life they’ve been living.
By the time someone finds 12 Step recovery, that mirror is usually broken just as much as the person is from their addiction based life. It’s probably been a while since they have even taken a hard, long, look at themselves in any mirror for that matter. Common characteristics within each of them regularly include low self-esteem, sadness, high anger and resentments, and a ton of fear. As they begin to navigate through early recovery, most will find a sponsor, make some friends, join a group, and start doing the work on the first three steps. Compared to the terrible lows they experienced in the final days, weeks, and even months of their addiction, life at this point often seems a whole lot better. Many refer to this period as the pink cloud stage. But then comes that dreaded 4th Step.
The work that’s done in the 4th Step is challenging because it re-opens things that have been closed off or buried deeply within people for years. On some level, it can feel as if a person is reliving past pains, wounds, and traumas. Suddenly that pink cloud phase completely disappears and the person is thrust into many of the same feelings they experienced daily during their days of active addiction. This especially comes true during the portion of the 4th Step when a person does the turnarounds on each of their resentments. It’s when they have to see how they were selfish, self-centered, dishonest, or fear-based in each of them. In other words, they get to see how they were the cause of all of them. Add in the parts of the 4th Step work that deal with the fear and sex inventories, and many very quickly find their ego telling them that how much better they felt during their active addiction days.
The first time I did a full 4th Step, I remember feeling angry more than not. I also remember how sensitive I was to everyone around me, and everything people said to me. I constantly wanted to quit and go back to alcohol and drugs to numb the imbalance I felt inside. I snapped at people daily because of it. I threw my step work notebook across the room a bunch of times. I also second-guessed the process with my sponsor constantly, but through prayer and strength from my Higher Power, I continued to trudge through it. By the time I finished my 4th Step, some of those pink clouds reappeared in the form of feeling relief and accomplishment. And what I didn’t know was how much poison was able to come out of me from doing all that work.
Looking back many years later, I realize now why so many people have trouble with the 4th Step. Many don’t want to face the damage and destruction they’ve done to themselves or anyone else. They don’t want to feel the anger, irritability, sadness, and fear that can come up when doing the work. Instead, it becomes easier for far too many to just to give up and relapse back into their addiction.
I thank God that I never did.
No one told me that the work on the 4th Step was going to be easy and truthfully it was everything but. And while my work on it was arduous and difficult in every way, it was well worth it and crucial to my recovery.
So if you find yourself at that dreaded 4th Step and find your life feeling unmanageable again, I encourage you to take a moment, breathe, and know those feelings are only temporary. Keep doing the work and get through this critical step and I can promise you that you’ll feel a whole lot better and even more importantly, your stand a lot less of a chance of relapsing as well.
Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson