Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer tried everything he could to join in those reindeer games in the beginning of that classic Christmastime movie, but he wasn’t allowed to because he was so different. Ironically, I’m the exact opposite of how Rudolph originally was when it came to being a part of those games, as I don’t want to be a part of them at all these days. The games I’m referring to here reference the many groups of people who often come together, form a click, and maintain an unhealthy group mentality that you either follow, or you end up being chastised in some way if you don’t.
I spent many years of my life trying to be just like Rudolph first was. I covered up my “shiny nose” and tried to become more like everyone else. I gave up plenty of things I loved about myself that were truly unique and different. I changed my image to blend in with my surroundings all to look cooler. I gossiped with everyone else as they gossiped. I judged with everyone else as they judged. I backstabbed with everyone else as they backstabbed, and so on and so forth. In doing this, while I gained friends, I lost my true identity and myself. In all essence, my “shiny nose” became dim and eventually burned out in the process.
For years, I remained afraid to step out on my own, beat to my own drum, and be myself like I had done as a young kid. I was so scared of going back to those days where I always felt intensely alone because of being that different. Back then, no one ever wanted me to be a part of their reindeer games because of it and I thought that seeking those games was what my heart truly wanted. How wrong I was. Chasing after them not only burned my special “shiny nose” out, it brought great pains to my heart. I felt like such a fake every single day I was part of those games but even worse, I hurt many souls who never fit into my group of reindeer that played them. Thankfully, the work I started doing in my recovery and on my spiritual journey began to show me how unhealthy it was to remain a part of them. Slowly but surely, I proceeded to back away from being a part of any of them or demonstrating any of their mentalities. That’s when I was able to rediscover the original me and proceed to improve upon it.
Today, I do my best to stay away from all the people who play any type of reindeer games. I avoid them like the plague particularly the ones that include the constant sexual banter, gossipy talk, and negative judgments of others who don’t quite fit in. Taking part in any of them only takes me away from the spiritually centered person I know my Higher Power is helping me to become. Unfortunately, there’s a side effect to me doing this though.
Several have said lately I’m full of ego, which in all essence means they feel I’m better than them. I know that behavior well, because I spent many years saying the very same thing of others who were living far more spiritually than I ever was while I played those games. It was easier to tear them down then than to look in the mirror at how lopsided I was living. Thank God that’s not the case anymore as my ego is so far from being in charge of my life.
The fact remains that I choose to live on a spiritual plane nowadays that does not segregate, hurt, ridicule, gossip, or sexualize the world in any way, shape, or form. While that may set me completely apart from what often happens during those reindeer games, I’m ok with that today, even when those reindeer are saying I’m full of ego. There’s only one simple reason for that.
My “shiny nose” has finally returned and while I may be quite proud of that, it’s not about my ego, it’s about being ok to stand apart and just be my spiritual self.
Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson
