The main reason why I ever consumed alcohol, drugs, sex, nicotine, caffeine, and many other things were for the ease and comfort each would give me. By using any one of them, I was always able to temporarily mask the waves of loneliness, insecurity, and self-pity that plagued me each and every day of my life. It wasn’t until I stopped seeking all those external things that gave me this temporary ease and comfort did I begin to truly love and accept myself unconditionally.
Some would probably be embarrassed to admit this, but the first thing I ever got ease and comfort from in my life was actually masturbation. For years I lived in a fantasy world with it like most adolescents usually do, except I enjoyed the feeling so much so that I eventually became totally consumed with it. For any of the moments I was engaged in the act, I wasn’t dwelling on any of the sickness in my dysfunctional family nor was I thinking about my lack of friends in life.
When I finally discovered alcohol and drugs, I was able to have that ease and comfort last far longer from them than any amount I ever received from masturbation. For over five years, I pursued alcohol and drugs to avoid looking within at the emptiness that existed there. I also discovered during those years that smoking menthol cigarettes and using chewing tobacco enhanced that ease and comfort even more. Eventually though, the alcohol, drugs, and nicotine began causing me more pain than providing me any ease and comfort, so I got sober from each of them. Unfortunately, as soon as their effects wore off and the detox process was over, I became extremely uncomfortable in my own skin.
The 12 Steps of recovery could have helped me back then to work through that uncomfortableness, but I was too afraid to look at myself. I definitely didn’t love my life or accept myself on any level, so I ran headfirst into using my sexuality as a tool for seeking more ease and comfort outside of myself. Over the course of the next 12 years, I had countless sexual escapades, too many moments of watching porn, and falling into relationships that were solely based on lust and nothing more. But all of it served its purpose, as it gave me enough ease and comfort to avoid looking within. Along the way, I found other things as well that were able to enhance that ease and comfort such as gambling, shopping, and caffeine. But just like before, the pain those things began to cause eventually became greater than the ease and comfort I was receiving from any of them. It’s then that I finally began to pursue those 12 Steps of recovery.
For a while, I still tried to seek some of that external ease and comfort while I worked the steps, but I ultimately discovered they were incompatible with each other, especially if I wanted to ever fully love and accept myself unconditionally. It took me getting extremely uncomfortable and remaining that way without any of those external things active in my life before I started to feel any of that love for myself. But the more I kept each of them out of my life, the more I began to really love the person I had abandoned all those years ago in my adolescent days.
Today, I don’t seek that ease and comfort from anything externally, as I know now that will only ever provide me a false sense of relief. In the long run, each of those external things did nothing more for me than take me away from dealing with my loneliness, insecurity, and self-pity that originated in my childhood. Thankfully, I’m not feeling that way inside anymore and it’s not because of seeking any external ease and comfort either. It’s solely because my Higher Power and the 12 Steps have helped me to create it within, and now I’m able to truly love and accept myself unconditionally because of it.
Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson