There is a condition that affects most everyone who ever finds themselves in the deep throngs of an addiction. It’s called The Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde Syndrome.
For those that don’t know the story of Jekyll and Hyde, it actually is all about one person (Jekyll) who injects himself with a serum that ends up creating an alternate personality in him. While Jekyll is good and kind, this other personality (Hyde) is not and instead is very mean and evil. I’ve come to believe over time that the substance of any addiction a person chases after is no different than that serum Jekyll injected in himself. Why? Because I spent over two decades of my life succumbing to so many of them.
The time I spent as Jekyll or Hyde over the years truly depended on how severe my addiction had a grip on me. With alcohol and drugs, I spent the first few years mostly as Jekyll where I was fun to be around, the life of the party, and had many friends. By the end, when I couldn’t go a single day without being drunk or high, I transformed into Hyde more than not. In that role, I became vicious and angry, would scream and yell, start arguments, throw things, and chased anyone away that tried to get close to me. After I found sobriety from alcoholism and drug addiction, I slowly transformed back into Jekyll.
Over the course of the next twelve years or so after that, I’d bounce back and forth between those two personalities depending on what level of addiction I got myself involved in. The greater the amount of caffeine I consumed, the more I flip-flopped away from Jekyll and turned into Hyde. The greater I chased after money, power, sex, control, or anything else, the more the same thing would happen. I kept turning into Hyde over and over and over again because of my addictions and it was never pretty. As Hyde, I was so nasty, selfish, and dark in such a way that I carried a cloud of negativity around me just about the entire time.
When I found the 12 Steps of recovery, it was almost as if I had discovered an antidote that prevented that transformation of Jekyll into Hyde. I found the more I submersed myself into those steps and my recovery, the more days I remained free of evil Hyde. I also found the more I got away from those steps and my recovery, the more Hyde’s malevolent ways crept back in.
I’ve spent the past two and a half years now being almost completely free of Hyde and I’m incredibly grateful to my Higher Power for that. I don’t allow myself to drift from my recovery work anymore because when I have, I start injecting myself with that serum again and it comes in the form of another addiction.
Thankfully, it appears that The Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde Syndrome no longer has control of me, but I know for it to remain that way, it’s 100% contingent on staying immersed in my work with the 12 Steps. It’s the only thing that has ever been able to keep Hyde at bay and trust me you wouldn’t like that part of me, as no one did. I thank my Higher Power for helping me to find that antidote, as life is so much better lived as Jekyll.
Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson