Have you ever struggled with maintaining blind faith? I am right now and am feeling quite down because of it. I know that’s completely attributed to the physical pain issues I continue to face on a daily basis. While some days fare slightly better than others, all in all I haven’t seen much in the way of physical improvement for over a year now. In fact, sometimes it seems like just the opposite has been happening, which has led me to question God quite a bit lately as to whether I’ll ever physically feel better again or not in this lifetime. The way my spiritual teacher guides me now when I’m feeling like this is to habitually remind me I need to hang in there, that’s it coming, and to keep on, keeping on. I always end up agreeing with her, but to be perfectly honest, I’ve also been wondering how much longer I can continue to withstand this without losing my blind faith in it actually happening?
The book of Job in the Bible is one story I reflect upon quite a bit a bit these days solely because Job was a man who had went through a huge testing of his own blind faith. Initially within his story, Job’s a good and righteous man who lives in great prosperity and holds an extremely deep faith and belief in the presence and protection of God. But eventually he struggles to maintain that when all his children, his livelihood, and his health are taken away. Sadly, Job’s friends only confuse him even more with their own interpretations of what he should do and why he’s suffering so much. After Job curses the day he was born and wishes his life to end, God directly speaks to him and then restores his health, his prosperity, and even brings him many new offspring.
While I know there are many vast differences between what Job went through and what I still am, it hasn’t stopped me from comparing the pain I feel daily to that which he felt. I’ve lost count of the number of times now where I’ve cried out in anger, frustration, anguish, and the like begging God for mercy and to just end my life altogether. Most people really just won’t understand what it feels like to be in a place such as this when they haven’t gone through it themselves. Unfortunately, I’m reminded of Job’s friends when any of my own suggests one medication after another thinking it’s going to help. I took that path for a time and sadly, it only landed me in a worse state physically, as well in a mental hospital with a nervous breakdown.
So I do my best now to get through each set of 24 hours hoping the next one might be better than the last. But on days like today when it’s definitely not, I find myself having a lot more doubt than that of blind faith. What I long for the most in moments such as this is for God to suddenly speak to me like He did with Job. While that hasn’t happened, as of yet, I’ve somehow been able to endure all of it for several years now. I know that can’t be due to something like my self-will, because that only ever led me into a life of addictions and on a path to destruction. So maybe it’s just God speaking to me in a different way, but regardless, something has definitely helped me all this time to not give up. Whatever it is, I know I must stay vigilant in my blind faith by doing as Job did and remain to pray.
“Dear God, I do not understand why I’m still suffering so greatly. My physical body aches and groans on most days like I’m 80 years old. Each day I wake up hoping it will be better than the last, but I have yet to feel any noticeable improvements. You asked me to clean up my life in plenty of ways and as far as I know I have done that and even then some. You asked me to immerse myself in recovery and start helping others and I have done that as often as I can too. You also asked me to show unconditional love and light to everyone on this planet because of how we’re all connected. I continue to do that as well but my blind faith has been waning due to how long I’ve been actually enduring these physical pains. God, I’m really just scared and confused like a little boy who’s lost sight of his parent and I’m not sure what to do other than keep praying for You to replenish my blind faith. I truly long for those days where I can run, jump, and play once again, but until then God, I remain devoted one day at a time seeking only your guidance and will no matter how great my pain and suffering is. Amen.”
Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson