Month: February 2015

New Relationships And Codependent Warning Signs

Have you ever gotten into a new relationship with someone where you found yourself spending most of your free time with them instead of with everyone else that’s been a part of your life for awhile? Many might say it’s common for this to happen, but the truth is it can also be a warning sign of the beginnings of a codependent connection.

I could probably write pages on this subject but I won’t bore you with all those details. But honestly, almost every one of my prior relationships began this way and I’m not just talking about intimate ones either. There were plenty of friendships that started out in this fashion as well. Regardless of what type they ever ended up being, there was always a common denominator that existed before any of them began.

I was insecure and had an extremely difficult time loving and accepting myself unconditionally.

In other words, I had a hard time liking what I saw reflecting back at me in the mirror, which only translated into me seeking a person, place, or thing outside of myself for validation.

Hence the introduction of a new friend or a new romantic interest that truly dug me and saw beyond all the things I didn’t really like about myself temporarily filled that void I wasn’t doing on my own. Suddenly I could look in the mirror and say I must be ok because someone else wants to spend so much time with me. Except I never saw how unhealthy this was. I never saw that my engrossing myself with this new person was keeping me away from healing me. I never saw how it prevented me from seeing and doing the work that was necessary to help me love and accept myself so much more than I did.

Eventually, each of those relationships became codependent in nature. Essentially I became dependent on them to feel better about myself. When the connection was great and still externally validating me, I felt awesome. But when there were issues and drama and that external validation disappeared on any level, I felt terrible. Because ultimately, I wasn’t changing at all, I was only looking for the solution outside of myself to fix my insecurity and lack of self-love. And in the long run, each of those relationships ALWAYS fell apart and completely dissolved.

The sad part about doing this was not only how it stunted my potential to heal, but how it also drove away existing friends because they felt neglected more than not. I lost a ton of friends over the years because I expected them to understand that I was in these new relationships, yet what I couldn’t see was just how selfish and self-centered that expectation was. The fact is I was so codependent in the past with new relationships that I truly never cared as much about my existing friends solely because they didn’t provide me the external validation as much as the new relationships were.

So if you happen to be someone that’s in a new relationship where you find yourself immersing your life into theirs, be careful because it could just be a warning sign for the start of a new codependent connection. If you didn’t love and accept yourself that much prior to beginning this relationship, then you most likely won’t find that in it either. And realize the more you choose to immerse yourself in it, the more you stand the chance of losing those friends and loved ones in your life who are just as worthy and deserving of your time and energy as well…

Peace, love, light, and joy,

Andrew Arthur Dawson

“Meetings Are So Boring!”

“Meetings are so boring!”
“I didn’t get sober just to spend the rest of my life going to meetings!”
“Why do I have to go to so many meetings anyway?

These are just a few of the many statements I’ve heard over time from other sober individuals when it comes to attending the meetings. While I can definitely relate to those who feel this way because I once felt just like them quite a bit too, I realize today how crucial the meetings are to maintaining a healthy recovery.

Do you think a diabetic enjoys taking Insulin shots every day?

Do you think a cancer patient enjoys getting their chemotherapy treatment each week?

Do you think someone with kidney disease enjoys doing dialysis regularly?

The fact is each of them must continue doing their treatments to prevent themselves from getting sick. Well this same principle applies to a person who’s trying to remain clean and sober from a former addiction like myself.

Going to a recovery meeting is like taking my medicine to get healthier in sobriety. There, I sit amongst like-minded people who have struggled and suffered at the same hands of my disease. Often, by me just showing up, it frequently becomes enough of a dose for me to stave off the craziness of my disease for another day. And by craziness, I mean things such as negative thinking, self-pity, and the doldrums that can occasionally happen in sobriety.

In all honesty, I went for years without meetings because I allowed those ego-based thoughts about not needing them to drive me away. I once truly thought they were overly boring and at times extremely annoying. But I never saw how sick I became in not going to them. I never saw how selfish and self-centered I became the more I avoided them. And I never saw how my disease slowly crept back in the more I stayed away from them.

Just imagine for a moment what it would be like for a cancer patient if they suddenly stopped doing their chemotherapy treatments before they were actually supposed to. Initially it might be ok for them, but the likelihood is that their cancer will eventually come back, spread, and grow even worse. It’s really not that different for any of us in recovery.

Going to a meeting is part of the medicine we need to keep taking on a regular basis in life. Add in practicing the 12 Steps and connecting to a Higher Power each day, and that’s all the medicine we really need to remain healthy in sobriety.

So I accept now that recovery meetings are going to be a part of my life until the day I die. Because anytime I’ve ever found myself making statements such as “Meetings are so boring!” I most likely have already stopped taking my medicine by not going to them, and probably don’t even realize just how sick I’ve become…

Peace, love, light, and joy,

Andrew Arthur Dawson

Pay Attention To Me!!!

Have you ever met someone who always trying to be the center of attention, regardless of whether it’s negative or positive? I’ve met a few of them over time myself where each would consistently get under my skin quite often. That was until I took a good, hard look in the mirror at myself and realized each of them were really only a reflection of me. And I have to say it was the most recent occurrence of this that finally led me to fully see that.

This latest occurrence I’m speaking of is actually someone I know from the recovery rooms who frequently seems to do things during meetings that have gained them a lot of attention, usually negative. I’ve watched this individual regularly change the meeting room thermostats to suit their need, douse lit candles with water when it got too hot, interrupt others speaking with random verbal outbursts, play on their cell phone for entire meetings, turn off light switches while meetings were in progress, choose to eat certain foods during meetings that were excessively noisy when chewed, and various other behaviors that one might see as child-like. And indeed, that’s exactly how I saw each of them, which eventually provoked me enough to approach this person and ask them why they kept doing it. The answer I got frankly surprised me because they told the truth and it was one I know all to well. What I was told by them was that no one ever seems to pay them any attention, but they found if they did annoying things, it at least got them some attention, even if it was negative. Over time I got to know this person much better and learned they never got much favorable attention at all by their parents when growing up.

Sadly, this is the same type of thing that happened to me when I was a kid. My parents were usually caught up in their own lives, their addictions, and a number of other things that often left me vying for their attention more than not. It was then I began resorting to attention-seeking behaviors, which at first were positive and far from annoying, but those generally went unnoticed. Ultimately I resorted to negative ones that always got me in trouble, but at least when I did, I got their attention. This pattern continued into my adulthood, where I did whatever I could at times to become the center of attention. Sometimes my positive actions would pay off and get me just that. But more often they didn’t, which frequently only led me to do behaviors that were no better than this recent recovery person who kept getting under my skin.

Connecting these dots has allowed me to look back in time and understand a long list of people who constantly seemed to bother me when they were doing things to become the center of attention. It’s allowed me to understand all those who’ve picked on someone in front of a group of people. It’s allowed me to understand all those who have held meetings hostage with long discourses. It’s allowed me to understand all those who constantly have had to tell jokes when speaking. It’s even allowed me to understand one former friend of mine who used to put various food items on the tip of his noise and pretend he didn’t know it was there just to make people laugh.

The fact is the only reason why any of these people, including myself, have ever done these attention-seeking behaviors, whether positive or negative, is due to the underlying insecurities that were established very early on in life. Thankfully, I clearly see my reflection in their mirrors now, which has helped me immensely in my quest to not be the center of attention anymore. It’s also helped me to feel more at peace when someone is doing any of these types of behaviors around me nowadays.

I’m far from perfect at this, as there still are times when I find myself resorting to a few of my old attention-seeking behaviors. So I guess I’m a work in progress then! But I am truly glad I understand now why any of those who’ve shouted “Pay Attention to Me!!!” in their own unique ways have had the tendency to get under my skin so much. It’s pretty clear that each have always been just a reflection of my own unresolved insecurities that began long ago…

Peace, love, light, and joy,

Andrew Arthur Dawson