Month: April 2015

The Vicious Cycle

Living in an addiction is a vicious cycle.

At first the substance of the addiction seems to be exactly what I need. It totally feels like it brings me all that ease and comfort needed to cope with my life. It makes me forget about all of my pain for a while. And soon it becomes the answer to solving every one of my day-to-day problems.

But then the tide turns.

That’s when the addiction starts appearing to be the source of all my difficulties. That’s when the addiction has begun to take over and consume me. That’s when my days become built around engaging in the addiction. And that’s precisely when my life begins unraveling at the seams, when the chaos and consequences of doing the addiction far outweigh the benefits it once had.

Spiritually, mentally, emotionally, and physically, my body screams to stop doing it. So I do, because the pain has become so great.

Hours, days, weeks, months, and sometimes even years go by with strong memories of all that pain. But eventually that goes away and I completely forget about all those negative effects of the addiction that was once my best friend.

That’s when I begin missing my best friend, the addiction, and find myself thinking it really wasn’t so bad the last time I said hello. Life then suddenly brings a big storm my way, which propels me enough to reach out and call my best friend, the addiction, back into my life.

Ahhh, the temporary ease and comfort returns. My brain reminds me how the addiction is exactly what I needed all along. Oh how it missed it so much. And soon I’m off and running, chasing after that feeling all over again.

That is until the tide turns just like before. And it will. It’s just a matter of time.

That’s the vicious cycle of living in an addiction and it’s a deadly one, one that too many never fully break free from, wasting their entire life engaging in it, until the end result often becomes the Grim Reaper and death.

Thank God I’m not living in that vicious cycle anymore. Thank God I see the pattern of that vicious cycle so clearly now. And thank God I know what I need to keep on doing, every day, for the rest of my life, to prevent myself from stepping back into that vicious cycle ever again.

It’s living the 12 Steps and it truly is the ONLY solution I’ve ever found to freeing me from the deadly grips of the vicious cycle of addiction…

Peace, love, light, and joy,

Andrew Arthur Dawson

 

 

 

 

 

Actions Speak Far Louder Than Words…

I’ve met plenty of good public speakers throughout my life, especially in the rooms of recovery from addiction. In fact I used to covet many of their lives, wishing I was a lot more like them, until I realized after getting to know them much better, that one’s actions truly do speak far louder than one’s words.

The truth is, if you really want to know whether a great public speaker lives as they say they do and has the life they say they have, spend an entire day with them. Over the years, I’ve gotten to know so many in the fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous in that way. Some of them were absolutely gifted in that public speaking department, but in spending time with them outside those meeting rooms, I saw loads of behaviors that didn’t quite live up to what I heard from them at the podium.

Because of this, I’ve become more skeptical these days anytime I’ve heard someone talking about how spiritual they are, how great their recovery program is, or how close their connection is to their Higher Power. You see it’s those people who were always the ones I used to gravitate towards, but found out later in hanging out with them, they really weren’t who they say they were. Instead, I watched as they gossiped, judged, and backstabbed others more than not. I saw how they grew restless, irritable and discontent anytime things didn’t go their way. And I never felt spiritually uplifted when hanging around with them one bit. But guess what? Each was only a mirror for me, one that I constantly avoided looking into.

What I mean by that is this…

My Higher Power blessed me in this life with a way with words too, except I used to utilize that gift to manipulate others into believing I had my act together. Why? Because getting those pats on the back and those verbal approvals after speaking kept me going for a while in the half-ass recovery program I once maintained. Eventually though, that illusion I created of how wonderful my recovery and spirituality was, evaporated when I landed in a locked ward of a mental hospital. And that’s when I finally had to look in that mirror to learn this invaluable lesson.

So I offer each of you a gentle suggestion. Anytime you find yourself placing a great speaker on some imaginary pedestal like I once did with others and even with myself, know that it could just be a bunch of smoke and mirrors. Try spending a day with that person before you start out on some quest to be just like them, because you may just find that their actions speak far louder than their words…

Peace, love, light, and joy,

Andrew Arthur Dawson

An Amends And Gratitude For My Spiritual Teacher

I have a spiritual teacher who has diligently and most definitely gone above and beyond the call of duty to help me heal over the past three years. She’s truly been a Godsend, especially on plenty of days when I’ve wanted to give up because of the unrelenting pain that continues to loudly knock on my door from within. Regrettably, I allowed my fear to get the best of me recently at the end of one of those pain-laden days, as I sent her a long email layered in negativity and frustration about my whole healing process. This only resulted in irritating her and me appearing codependent and overly needy. Since then, I’ve gone through a barrage of emotions, all of which have led me to writing this amends, because I most assuredly do owe her one.

Three years ago, I contacted her after finally saying goodbye to the last toxic relationship that was standing in the way of me stepping fully onto this healing path. When she told me then that she would take me on as a student and be my guide through the bumpy road to come, I was overjoyed. Not too long after that though, I know it became quite apparent to her on the amount of energy it was going to take to be my spiritual teacher, yet she gratuitously gave me that day in and day out, spending an exorbitant amount of time guiding me in the right direction.

By the time the first 365 days of being her student had passed, I had settled into a regular routine of connecting with her multiple times a week, usually for an hour on each of those occasions. Unfortunately, as the intensity of my spiritual work increased to cleanse my life, so did my level of pain, which only proceeded to increase my fear and demands on her time. Yet, she stuck by my side and patiently gave me hour after hour after hour answering the same questions again and again and again. And even as the next 365 days would pass after that, and even as my pain levels would rise even higher, she would remain by my side, constantly giving me gentle reminders to keep on keeping on, to help ease all those rising fears and worries that surrounded my heath.

Through her ongoing guidance and teachings, I soon began to discover the healing power of affirmations, audio spiritual attunements, and even through my writing when I took on her homework assignment to start this blog. There probably hasn’t been a day that’s passed since where I haven’t felt grateful in my heart for all her guidance and immense dedication to me, because she’s done more for me than probably anyone who’s ever tried to help me heal.

With that being said, the past 365 days of my healing process has been the greatest challenge I’ve ever had to face in life, as my pain levels have been a 10 out of 10 on more days than not. Because of this, I’ve had to battle tons of fear and continually work at removing it almost daily it seems, especially as of late. All the while she’s stayed my spiritual teacher, never giving up on me, and continuing to provide me those kind reminders that I would make it through this, particularly when I most needed them.

Sadly, I allowed my ego and my pain-based fear recently to get the best of me though when I sent her that long email late on a Sunday evening after a very excruciating weekend. I knew it had made a negative impact on her, as I could feel it in her words in the very next conversation we had a day later. I can only imagine how she felt because of all the time, effort, and energy she’s freely provided me during the course of the past three years.

While I can’t go back into the past and erase that email from ever being sent to her, I can do exactly as my program of recovery has taught me, which is to own where I was wrong. It’s not her fault that I’m in pain nor is it her responsibility to make it go away. But I know my words in that email said otherwise and for that I’m very sorry. The last thing I wanted to do was frustrate the one person who has so unconditionally remained by my side and given me her word that she would see me to the end of this long cycle of pain and healing.

This is specifically why I made it a point in my latest conversation with her to make an amends and ask for her forgiveness for temporarily acting out of my fear, for the frustration I caused her with that email, and for any of my other fear-based actions that have ever negatively affected her. I know I’d be truly lost without her ongoing guidance and direction and I also know I wouldn’t be as close to the end of this healing process as I am if it hadn’t been for all her excessive devotion to my healing processes so far.

When my amends process came to a close, I thanked her for all the time and energy she’s exuded since I began as her student and it was then I received confirmation that she forgave me. But even better, she promised to continue helping me reach that light that I know exists at the end of this long, dark tunnel I’ve been trudging through for what feels like an eternity.

The bottom line is that the amends process does work, especially when our Higher Power is in charge of making one. Mine definitely helped to not only find the right words to complete this process, but did so in such a way that my spiritual teacher knew it was from my heart and that I loved her dearly. So thank you Higher Power for getting me through this, as I’m truly grateful.

Peace, love, light, and joy,

Andrew Arthur Dawson