Currently, I’m visiting my closest friend for a few days without my partner present and am staying in a hotel room completely alone. For the normal, average human being, this might sound like a great time to simply relax and have some quiet moments by oneself. But, for an addict, especially one that once succumbed regularly to sex and love addiction-based behaviors for years on end, it can be quite triggering and overly challenging to handle.
You see, for anyone who’s dealt with sex and love addiction, being in a hotel room in general often brings back memories of acting out experiences. In my case, I spent years in prior relationships travelling quite a bit to various places around the world without those I was dating and it was during those trips where I’d frequently engage in behaviors in my hotel rooms that were definitely sex and love addiction-based. But, thankfully, I haven’t felt any of those desires whatsoever on this trip thus far and I’m crediting that to both the 12 Step recovery work I’ve done surrounding this addiction and my growing relationship with God.
It’s my 12 Step recovery work that continues to remind me of all those negative consequences that used to happen to me after acting out on those travels alone. It also continues to remind me of plenty of other negative consequences that haven’t happened to me yet, but still could, and I most assuredly don’t want to experience any of them. As for God, I have to say, it’s been my growing relationship with Him that’s led to me adhering to a higher set of standards and moral values, ones that have helped me to clearly see all the pain I used to cause those I was dating. But, even more importantly is how God has helped me to clearly see the destructive impact any acting out in my hotel room would cause my partner.
Regardless, on my first night away on this trip, I actually was presented with multiple opportunities where I could have acted out in my former sex and love addiction. But, I didn’t. Instead, I worked on my blog, I meditated, and I watched a little television before turning in. That’s quite an achievement for a guy like me who was never truly monogamous with anyone in my past. That’s why I must say, waking up alone in the morning in this partner-less hotel room, day after day on this trip has been pretty great. Why? Because of the many times I woke up next to someone I barely knew and would feel so disgusted with myself.
My focus today is on maintaining a fully monogamous relationship with my partner and jeopardizing that with a short sexual interlude in this hotel room with someone else isn’t worth it. The damage it used to cause me and my partners in the past was always high and usually impacted me on every level including physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.
So, as I turn in tonight, alone, and without any addiction-based behaviors going on, I find myself not feeling triggered at all. Instead, I’m feeling blessed to see the benefits of my 12 Step recovery work and my relationship with God. Ultimately, I know it’s because of these two things that I continue to remain sober, especially when travelling alone and having a hotel room all by myself…
Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson