“When I say I’m fine, I’m not lying, but my fine is different than yours. The pain that I live with exhausts me and the judgments frustrates me to my core. I don’t want to complain or to bother, or put any damper of pain on your day, so when I say I’m fine, I’m not lying, but also, I’m not really okay. It’s been this way for so long now, I can’t remember, really, much else. My life so incredibly different, I feel not so much like myself. I’m not asking for attention or pity, just maybe that you’d understand, that I fight many battles, just daily, how to live, walk, think, even stand. So, when I say I’m fine, I’m not lying, but there’s much more to it than that. On the outside you maybe can’t see it, yet on the inside I’m under attack. My own body is working against me, some days I can’t help but pray, that when I say I’m fine, I’m not lying, just hoping I’ll feel better one day…” (By Jaely Rova)
Sometimes there are very few words that need to be said after reading something like this. They sum up quite nicely, the very thing I’ve been facing for far too long. Suffering has been my constant companion for almost a decade now, yet I continue to keep my faith it will one day be replaced with joy instead. I took for granted the life I once had, rarely expressing any gratitude for the abundance I used to experience. Then everything changed and all the things I claimed as who I was immediately disappeared in the blink of an eye, leaving me a mere shell of my former self. What keeps me going one day to the next is the daily prayers I leave with God to feel better. In the meantime, though, while I wait, I continue to feel like I’m crumbling inside, all while still smiling as best as I can on the outside. If you’ve never experienced intense suffering like this for anything more than a season, know there are people out there like Jaely and myself who have had to endure much longer. So, if you come across someone like us, all we can hope is that you have a little compassion, while we wait upon God for a brighter day, one that we haven’t seen in some time, but one we also know He can and will deliver us into when it’s time.
Lord, I thank you for how much my suffering has changed my perspective upon the world. It’s helped me to truly have deep compassion for all those things I once judged. I pray you continue to strengthen me through all of my pain, as you finish shaping me into the very image You’ve always planned I’d become.
Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson