Silly Joke #1
There was a little boy named Johnny who used to hang out at the local corner market. The owner didn’t know what Johnny’s problem was, but the boys would constantly tease him. They would always comment that he was two bricks shy of a load, or two pickles short of a barrel. To prove it, sometimes they would offer Johnny his choice between a nickel (5 cents) and a dime (10 cents) and John would always take the nickel — they said, because it was bigger. One day after John grabbed the nickel, the store owner took him aside and said, “Johnny, those boys are making fun of you. They think you don’t know the dime is worth more than the nickel. Are you grabbing the nickel because it’s bigger or what?” Slowly, Johnny turned toward the store owner and a big grin appeared on his face and Johnny said, “Well, if I took the dime, they’d stop doing it, and so far, I’ve made $20!”
Silly Joke #2
A guy goes into a bar and orders a beer. As he takes a sip of his beer, he hears a tiny voice say: “Nice tie.” He looks around but sees no one. He takes another sip of his beer and hears the same tiny voice: “A nice shirt, too.” Again, he looks around and sees no one. He signals the bartender over, and hesitantly explains that he’s hearing voices talking to him… “Of course,” smiles the bartender. “It’s the peanuts — they’re complimentary.”
Silly Joke #3
A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who had been far exceeding the speed limit. “But, Officer,” the man protested, “I can explain!” “Be quiet!” ordered the officer. “You can sit in jail until the chief gets back.” “But, sir, I just wanted to say—” “I told you to stay quiet! You’re going to jail! “A couple of hours later the officer checked in on the man and said, “You’re lucky that the chief is at his daughter’s wedding. He’ll be in a great mood when he gets back.” “I doubt that,” answered the prisoner. “I’m the groom!”
Bonus Silly Joke
Went to the doctor for my yearly physical. The nurse starts with certain basics. ‘How much do you weigh?’ she asks. ‘135,’ I say. The nurse puts me on the scale. It turns out my weight is 180. The nurse asks, ‘Your height?’ ‘5 feet 4 inches,’ I say. The nurse checks and sees that I only measure 5 feet 2 inches. She then takes my blood pressure and tells me it is very high. ‘Of course, it’s high!’ I scream, ‘When I came in here I was tall and slender! Now I’m short and fat!’ She put me on Prozac. What a bitch.
Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson
I’m from the land of quirky sayings, but I’ll be darn if I’ve ever heard “two pickles short of a barrel” Thanks for the early morning laugh