Month: February 2020

Daily Reflection

“To overcome fear, here’s all you have to do: Realize the fear is there, and do the action you fear anyway.” (Peter McWilliams)

Every day for the past year I logged into my WordPress account to do my daily work on this blog, and each time I did, I’d see an indicator glaring at me, letting me know a new software update was ready to be downloaded for a plugin that’s been a backbone to my site since the beginning. The last time I updated this plugin was way back in mid-February of 2019 when a crash occurred during the middle of it, taking my site down along with it. It caused me much anxiety, mostly because I didn’t know what to do at the time to correct the problem. Even worse, it had been the second time I had experienced a major issue when updating this plugin. After unsuccessfully trying to find another plugin that could replace it, I spent a considerable amount of time getting my site corrected, along with updating to the latest version of this plugin. Ironically, after I did, a new version immediately became available, causing me great fear and stress. I decided to put the update off because of it. Days, turned into weeks, turned into months, till eventually a year went by without me hitting that update button. The version number continued to grow, while I didn’t, as fear kept me a prisoner. Software is a funny thing though. If you don’t keep current with its updates, eventually problems will occur. That’s why I decided one evening in the midst of fear and frustration over it all, to tell God I’d do the stupid update if my plans the next day got cancelled somehow. And wouldn’t you know, the next day the friend I was supposed to spend it with cancelled because he was sick. So, I kept my promise and made sure the update button got pressed that day. Thirty seconds after, the update had successfully completed with no issues.

All that fear…for an entire year…for what?!  I gained nothing from it and most likely could have updated the software long ago with no problems. Life has been a lot like that for me over the years. Putting things off that I was afraid to face, until the pain of not doing so essentially forced me to work through it. And every time I did, the pain of working through it was far less than the pain of me sitting in all that fear for as long as I did!

I’m tired of living in fear over the dumbest of things like a software update. Living in fear has robbed me of being at peace and experiencing joy. I’m thankful for the reminder this software update gave me, that it’s never worth putting something off, when the only reason for doing so is out of fear.

Dear God, fear has consumed me so many times in my life, keeping me a prisoner more than not, until I finally become ready to tackle whatever the issue is. I pray for the strength to face all those fears and to stop letting my life remain on hold because of them.

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson

Thought For The Day

Quote #1

“The only way a relationship will last is if you see your relationship as a place to give and not a place that you go to take.” (Tony Robbins)

Quote #2

“The test of loyalty lies not in a contained, confined man. Loyalty lies within a man who’s free to does he pleases but chooses to stand by your side.” (E. Booth)

Quote #3

“You must be aware that most men (and also not only a few women) are by nature not monogamous. This nature makes itself even more forceful when tradition and circumstance stand in an individual’s way.” (Albert Einstein)

Bonus Quote

“I don’t think being monogamous is a natural instinct for human beings. But it doesn’t mean I don’t believe in monogamy or true love. I believe in finding a soul mate. Monogamy can be hard work for some people. I don’t think it applies to everybody. And I don’t think a lot of people can do it.” (Scarlett Johansson)

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson

Grateful Heart Monday

Welcome to another chapter of Grateful Heart Monday, where gratitude is always expressed in my writing to kick each week off on a positive note, which for today is for my eight-year anniversary with my partner Chris.

This date last year, I was frankly surprised I had actually made the seven-year mark with him. At that time, it was the longest I had ever been with anyone monogamously. Surpassing that with yet another monogamous year is most definitely something to be grateful for.

Why is monogamy so important to me? Well, beyond the fact I struggled with addictions in this department, did you know that in heterosexual couplings it’s estimated at least 25% of them will either cheat or purposely establish an open relationship somewhere along the way? But, in homosexual couplings, it’s estimated to be more than 50% will either cheat or purposely establish an open relationship somewhere along the way. That percentage is proposed to be even higher, possibly over 75%, in some of the gay subcultures such as the bear and leather-based ones, ones that I have some history with, which is why I’m so grateful to have remained monogamous with Chris.

Have I been tempted? Absolutely. I think everyone gets tempted to stray from time to time. But, the reward of remaining monogamous has far outweighed all of what I experienced in past relationships where monogamy wasn’t present. The reward I’m speaking of totally equates to the depth of love I feel for Chris nowadays. Love for all we’ve been through, for all those things we’ve done together, the many places we’ve seen, the numerous trips we’ve taken, the countless moments we’ve poured our hearts out to each other, the plentiful personal spiritual growths we’ve accomplished side by side, the repeated support we’ve given each other through our health issues and recovery from addictions, and most importantly, for us both having the belief that God is been the backbone that’s made this all possible. I never had this much appreciation for any of those I was with in prior relationships mostly because I was so mentally and emotionally divested into a number of side relationships I always had going on that constantly led to the end of monogamy and the downfall of the relationship itself.

Beyond monogamy, I also am quite grateful for the silly banter and humor Chris and I have now after eight years together. We’re very playful, almost like kids at times, and that helps to keep the kid alive in each of us. In addition, we tend to finish each other’s sentences more than not now and seem to know what each other are thinking. But most importantly, we’ve remained dedicated to working through any problems that have arisen between us, as rarely has a full day ever gone by where we’ve remained angry at each other.

I truly believe Chris and I make a great couple and while we’ve both struggled at times with being overly selfish and self-centered in our actions, we’ve consistently strived to improve our relationship with each other and with ourselves through 12 Step recovery, therapy, MKP, and just straight up honest communication about everything.

Through all this, I’ve begun to realize that much of my own unhappiness I’ve complained about Chris to friends, isn’t really about Chris at all, or our relationship, or anything to do with any of the eight years we’ve been together. It’s a lot more about that restless, irritable, and discontent person in me who used to buy into the belief that those sappy romantic movies with all those happy endings is the way relationships are supposed to always be. That isn’t the way they are though. Relationships mirror life itself.

There are ups and downs and when those downs come around, it’s not about having sex or romantically getting entwined with someone else to cope with them. It’s about working through those downs with each other and remaining committed to each other in the process, because in doing so, the love only grows deeper. And for that, I’m most grateful to have stuck by Chris’s side for eight beautiful years now…

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson