I can’t believe I’m finally going to admit this publicly to both myself and the world, but I realized the other day I’m still desperately trying to please my Mom and the worst part about that…she’s been dead for over 15 years now.
Growing up, I so wanted to make my mother proud, yet for some reason, I always felt like I fell far short of that in her eyes. Much of that I learned long after her death was due to her alcoholism and own mental health issues. But, this isn’t really about her, it’s about me, and the fact that lately, I’ve felt like a failure in life, all because I’ve carried the weight of what success always looked like in her eyes not my own.
I fully forgave my mother long ago for all the pain and hardship I went through in an alcoholic home and I don’t carry any anger towards her anymore. What’s left over though is the constant pressure I place on myself that I feel like should be something more than I am presently.
Having graduated Manga Cum Laude at Rochester Institute of Technology with a Bachelor’s Degree in Information Systems and having spent well over a decade using that degree to work in a number of high-profile, high-paying jobs was honestly, more about making her happy than myself. I really couldn’t stand that corporate computing life I lived in. When I took my first step away from it into the unknown by following a former partner’s dream of owning a bed and breakfast, my mother got so upset with me. She felt like it was a grave mistake to give up on all that business and financial success I had achieved. I can’t imagine what she would have said to me when that business venture went belly up four years after her death. But again, this isn’t about her, it’s about me and the thought that since that business ventured failed, the biggest claim to fame my brain regularly reminds me of is nothing more than remaining sober, helping people in recovery communities, and publishing and speaking my thoughts about it all in this blog and at various speaking engagements.
My therapist, my sponsor, my partner, and a few close friends would say I have a lot to be proud of with that. Yet, for some reason, 25 years of sobriety from alcohol and drugs, volunteering my time without any income for years now, writing in a blog I pay quite a bit to keep going, and struggling to garner much interest in any of my fiction or non-fiction writing has left me feeling like a complete disappointment to her. Putting myself down like this, feeling like a failure, and not being able to clearly see how amazing some of those achievements actually are, is all due to the weight of still carrying my mother’s pressure to be something more.
The worst part about this?
I’ve now migrated that pressure of being something more onto the God of my understanding, thinking that God also wants me to overachieve. So, when I screw up or when I don’t make a huge leap in achievements on a regular basis, I feel like I’m letting down now both my mother and God.
Yes, this is a terrible way to exist!
Somewhere within me though, deep within me, is a love that does exist that says I am a success. I see it from time to time when I do an hour lead somewhere in the recovery community. When it happens, I feel this incredible surge of energy from within that invigorates me and tells me “I am something” instead of “I’m nobody and nothing.” I just wish I could tap into that on a regular basis! Nevertheless, I tend to believe my mother and God are probably totally proud of me these days and that it’s only the faulty programming left behind within me from my upbringing that needs to be removed to see that for myself.
To begin that process, I’m declaring to all of you right now that I am something and so are all of you for that matter, even when our brains try to tell us otherwise. And, I believe we all are successes in our own ways too, so long as we don’t try to compare each of our individual successes to each other’s.
I’m a success because I am still sober 25+ years later from alcohol, drugs, and cigarettes, each of which almost killed me long ago. I’m a success for having remained long sober from a number of other toxic addictions that once wrecked my life as well. I’m a success for learning how to write both fiction and non-fiction quite well. I’m a success for learning how to speak publicly and motivationally about this crazy life I’ve lived. I’m a success for the number of people I’ve helped over the years find their own path to healing from addictions and more. And I’m a success because even in the midst of the darkness I continue to face over chronic physical pain, I’m still breathing, still taking life one day a time, still spiritually growing, which is a miracle in itself.
Yes, I’m a miracle Mom, even if I don’t have a job, even if I’m not a published writer, even if I’m not out there saving the world, I’m still a great person and a total success and I’m no longer going to tell myself anything otherwise. Because it’s time to finally move on and declare myself a winner no matter what, something I tried so hard for you to see but never found much success in. I don’t need to have you see that anymore though, because I am a winner and a success. It just may look differently than what you wanted to see for me and that’s ok. Regardless, I love you Mom, and I strive forward now with hope for a much healthier, brighter, and happier future knowing I’m success right now, just as I am.
Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson
