I often think the Universe keeps bringing me things onto my spiritual path to help me face my biggest defect of character in life and that’s being controlling. I’ve written quite a bit about this over the years, something the addict in me has constantly sought and something that’s been more of my downfall than anything.
Lately, I have four issues occupying a tremendous amount of space in my mind on a daily basis where each have provoked me to want to take some form of control back. Ongoing struggles with my health, my relationship to my sister, my relationship to my partner, and of all things, my relationship with a company that hosts this blog on their server, each have brought out of a side of me that shows how controlling I still can be.
I really want to let go and trust God. I really want to accept life on life’s terms. And yet, I often don’t. Instead, I take 12 Step serenity prayer, “God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference” and warp it. I start believing I can change everything if I just exert enough control and all that’s ever done is make things worse.
The most recent issue I mentioned about my hosting company deals with the fact that I’ve been having issues quite a bit with my site remaining up and running. I spent a good 12 hours on the phone over a recent stretch of five days or so with my hosting company’s highest level of tech support trying to convince them the problem with my site was all them. Every bit of control I was shouting into the phone at them wasn’t helping. Nothing got resolved other than my site’s problems growing worse temporarily with them trying to muck with things at my request. All it left me was feeling totally bent out of shape even more and having quite a bit of restless nights and a lack of sleep. What was ironic though was how after that stretch of days, I finally just gave up and said, “God, I turn this over to you. It’s in your hands…” and later that day, my site suddenly began working far better. I have no idea why, but, I feel the message was clear. I just need to work more on letting go of my Achilles heel, that being my control issues, and start working harder on accepting life on life’s terms.
Regardless, the bottom line is that my ego frequently gets in the way of this because it’s afraid to let go, afraid to accept life on life’s terms. Deep down inside me is really just this little boy who is simply scared to let go and trust God.
Honestly, I don’t want to spend the rest of my life trying to put life on Andrew’s terms because I will end up being a very miserable person for the rest of it if I do. But, I’m quite sure that if I let go of control a lot more than I have lately, that I’ll probably see that living life on life’s terms is a far better path filled with greater peace and joy, two things that have eluded me for much of my life, especially as an addict.
Living life on life’s terms, that’s what I am praying to strive for now. Because I truly want a life filled with greater peace and joy, things that I know will never come through any form of control.
Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson