Month: October 2021

Grateful Heart Monday

Welcome to another Grateful Heart Monday. It is said having a grateful heart can help shift one’s energy to that of feeling bliss and joy, which is why I continue to practice this daily in my grateful journal, as well as in this blog, by writing weekly about a piece of it from my life. That being said, today’s piece of gratitude is dedicated to a recent visit here in Toledo from my dear friend Dexter, a person I never thought I’d ever see in person again.

To put it bluntly, I once broke Dexter’s heart by leading him on and using him for my own gain. I was spiritually broken and sick at the time and did that to him, as well as many others back then. It wasn’t until I went into a 12 Step recovery program (SLAA) to address this. There I saw how toxic I had become. That was 2011, which was also the last year I saw Dexter.

We had visited the Outer Banks together back then with a few of his close friends. The trip was mostly a disaster all because of how I was acting. I was very deep in a love addiction with a married individual at the time and had no idea just how much I was hurting Dexter in the process. Yet, Dexter being the guy he always has been, loved me anyway, until the pain became too great in his heart because of how I was treating him.

Ten years have gone by ever since then. I’m amazed at how fast time flies sometimes, as it seems like just yesterday that I was at the beach with Dexter in the Outer Banks. Sometimes I wish I could back to then and treat him the way he deserved. Over the past ten years, I’ve worked hard to gain his friendship and his trust back. While he’s forgiven me, he was never willing to come visit, because the pain in his heart remained. I honestly thought I’d never see him again and was always going to be limited to phone and video calls. I was even grateful for those, so when Dexter agreed to come visit me here in Toledo and meet my partner Chris, I was ecstatic. All the way up to the day of Dexter’s flight, I can honestly say I wondered if he was going to follow through with the trip. After all, the pain I caused him was immense and I know how difficult it was going to be for him to see me with Chris given the feelings he once had for me.

I consider myself blessed that Dexter got on his flight that day and followed through on a promise he made to himself to come see me again. Seeing him 10 years later, giving him a hug, and spending quality time here in Toledo reconnecting has been so important to me. I think Dexter and I will always have a heart connection and I pray to never hurt that again in any way, shape, or form. Breaking bread with him here, sharing coffee, laughter, visiting a museum, watching TV shows and movies, and just sharing a few days of his life in person with him was the best gift I could have ever received from a guy who has worn his heart on his sleeve from the day I first met him.

I’m grateful to you Dexter that you took time out of your busy life, braved your heart, and spent time with me again. My gratitude is immense over this, both to you and to God for making this happen. I may never be able to erase the pain I caused you all those years ago, but I can at least say today, you are an amazing man who shines brightly in his own unique way, and I’m blessed to remain a part of that and still walking part of my spiritual journey in life with you, both from afar and in person. Thank you for this trip, Dexter, it meant the world to me.

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson

Question For The Day

Today’s question is…

What is one thing you do in life that may seem overly obsessive to someone else who doesn’t know you?

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson

TheTwelfthStep TheTwelfthStep TheTwelfthStep TheTwelfthStep TheTwelfthStep TheTwelfthStep TheTwelfthStep TheTwelfthStep TheTwelfthStep TheTwelfthStep TheTwelfthStep TheTwelfthStep TheTwelfthStep TheTwelfthStep TheTwelfthStep TheTwelfthStep TheTwelfthStep TheTwelfthStep TheTwelfthStep TheTwelfthStep

Dear Neighbors…

Dear Neighbors,

I know many of you may not understand why I am the way I am. I’m sure many of you at times have probably thought I’m mentally ill because I’m outside all the time picking up debris, keeping my yard, a few others, and the street as well, clean. You may even think how absurd it is when I’m outside at times like 1am, flashlight in hand, picking up leaves. There’s a good chance some of you have even labeled me as OCD and judged I need medication, a job, or both. I’m quite sure some have even found my outdoor habits annoying at times, but can any of you really say you truly know why I am the way I am? This is why I decided to share those reasons with you here today.

My life feels very upside-down these days and has for a good while. It’s been at least four years now since I experienced any real happiness or joy. Living with chronic pain can do that to a human being, especially when you never get a break from it, even more so when no medication or any over-the-counter thing does any good except give plenty of negative side effects. For as much as I’ve wanted to go that natural route by using medical marijuana or some other THC-related coping mechanism, I haven’t because I’m a hard-core addict, who knows himself so well that if it gave me any relief, I’d start consuming as much of it as I could, becoming an active addict all over again. So, I do my best to cope with my painful state, fighting to not follow in my parent’s footsteps who both took their own lives, fighting to not relapse, and fighting to believe that there’s something Greater out there still guiding me through all this darkness.

Every day I fight to live, to overcome a psychiatrist’s warning I received many years ago, who told me I had a 60 percent chance of taking my life due to all the tragedies I’ve been through. What gives me purpose and helps me to keep going are two things, one you regularly see and one you don’t. The one you don’t is the volunteer recovery work I do in the addiction realm, while the one you do is my work outside.

Doing my work outside as obsessively as it seems, does help me to feel better. It truly helps to shift my focus away from my pain and all the things I’ve endured in life. My parent’s tragic and very abrupt deaths are only a scratch on the surface of what I’ve been through. Honestly, I consider myself a walking miracle for still being alive and sober from alcohol and drugs for the 26 years I have. The amount of PTSD I’ve experienced and worked through with things like being chronically bullied, molested, and emotionally and mentally abused more times than I care to remember, I know many in my shoes would probably already be dead or heavily medicated just to cope with it all. But, I’ve learned I have to find positive ways to keep going, and the one you all see the most is me outside, toiling away, on a task that I know is repetitive and I’m sure at times a nuisance.

Nevertheless, maybe the next time you see me outside, doing a task that undoubtedly appears overly obsessive, pointless, and possibly irritating, you’ll understand a little better now that it’s one of the only things I have left that makes me feel slightly better, that helps me to keep going on plenty of days, and gives me some sense of purpose. I pray none of you ever have to walk in the shoes I have thus far in life, because I wouldn’t wish that upon any of you. Regardless, I love you all.

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson