Category: Silly Joke Friday

Silly Joke #1

A man was walking down a street in Washington. A man walking behind him suddenly pulled out a gun and said, “Gimme all your money, now!” The victim said, “You can’t do this to me! I’m a Congressman!” The robber thought for a moment, then said, “In that case, gimme all of MY money!”

Silly Joke #2

Brother John entered the ‘Monastery of Silence’ and the Chief Priest said, “Brother, this is a silent monastery, you are welcome here as long as you like, but you may not speak until I direct you to do so.” Brother John lived in the monastery for a full year before the Chief Priest said to him: “Brother John, you have been here a year now, you may speak two words.” Brother John said, “Hard Bed.” “I’m sorry to hear that” the Chief Priest said. “We will get you a better bed.” The next year, Brother John was called by the Chief Priest. “You may say another two words Brother John.” “Cold Food.” said Brother John, and the Chief Priest assured him that the food would be better in the future. On his third anniversary at the monastery, the Chief Priest again called Brother John into his office. “Two words you may say today.” “I Quit.” said Brother John. “It is probably best.” said the Chief Priest. “All you have done since you got here is complain.”

Silly Joke #3

In order to pay his medical school tuition, a student was working two jobs over the summer. One was as a butcher’s assistant and the other as a hospital orderly, both jobs that required the young man wear a long white coat.  One night he was wheeling a woman into surgery when she sat up suddenly, looked him in the eye, and screamed, “God save me! It’s the butcher!”

Bonus Silly Joke

The symphony orchestra was performing Beethoven’s Ninth. In the piece, there’s a long passage, about 20 minutes, during which the bass violinists have nothing to do. Rather than sit around that whole time looking stupid, some bassists decided to sneak offstage and go to the tavern next door for a quick one. After slamming several beers in quick succession, one of them looked at his watch and said, “Hey! We need to get back!” “No need to panic,” said a fellow bassist. “I thought we might need some extra time, so I tied the last few pages of the conductor’s score together with string. It’ll take him a few minutes to get it untangled.” A few moments later they staggered back to the concert hall and took their places in the orchestra. About this time, a member of the audience noticed the conductor seemed a bit edgy and said as much to her companion. “Well, of course,” said her companion. “Don’t you see? It’s the bottom of the Ninth, the score is tied, and the bassists are loaded.”

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson

Silly Joke #1

A policeman stops a lady for heavily speeding and asks for her license. After looking at it, he says “Lady, it says here that you should be wearing glasses!” The woman answered “Well, I have contacts!” The policeman replied “I don’t care who you know! You’re getting a ticket!”

Silly Joke #2

A young preacher was contacted by the local funeral director to hold a grave-side committal service at a small local cemetery for someone with no family or friends. The preacher started early but quickly got himself lost, making several wrong turns. He arrived a half-hour late, the hearse was nowhere in sight, and the workmen were eating lunch.The pastor went to the open grave and found the vault lid already in place. Taking out his book, he read the service. As he was returning to his car, he overheard one of the workmen say: “Think we should tell him it’s a septic tank?”

Silly Joke #3

A woman goes to the Doctor, worried about her husband’s temper. The doctor asks, “So what seems to be the problem?” The woman says, “Doctor, I don’t know what to do. Every day my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason at all. It’s starting to scare me.” The Doctor tells her, “I think I have just the cure for that. When it seems your husband is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish, and swish, but don’t swallow it until he leaves the room or decides to go to bed.” Two weeks later, the woman returns, looking fresh and reborn. The woman says, “Doctor, that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband started to lose it, I swished with water. I swished and swished, and he calmed right down! How does a glass of water do that?!” The Doctor informs her, “The water itself does nothing. It’s having to keep your mouth shut that does the trick.”

Bonus Silly Joke

Grandpa was showing little Johnny around the farm, and when they come to the corral, he explained, “That’s a bull and a cow, and he’s serving her.” A little later on, they saw horses. The Grandpa said, “That’s a stud and a mare, and he’s serving her, too.” That night at supper, after everyone was seated and grace was said, Grandma turned to Grandpa and said, “Will you please serve the turkey?” Little Johnny jumped up and yelled, “If he does, I’m eating a hamburger!”

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson

Silly Joke #1

Mrs. O’Donovan was walking down O’Connell Street in Dublin, and coming in the opposite direction was Father O’Rafferty. “Hello,” said the Father, “And how is Mrs. O’Donovan, didn’t I marry you two years ago?” “You did, Father.” “And are there any little ones yet?” “No, not yet, Father,” she said. “Well, I’m going to Rome next week, and I’ll light a candle for you then.” “Thank-you, Father.” And away she went. A few years later they met again. “Hello, Mrs. O’Donovan!” said the Father, “How are you?” “Oh, very well,” she said. “And tell me,” he said, “have you any little ones yet?” “Oh yes, Father. I’ve had three sets of twins, and four singles – ten in all.” “Now isn’t that wonderful!” he said “And how is your lovely husband?” “Oh,” she said, “He’s over in Rome to blow that bloody candle out you lit for us!!!”

Silly Joke #2

Joe passed away. His will provided $30,000 for an elaborate funeral. As the last guests departed the affair, his wife, Helen, turned to her oldest friend. “Well, I’m sure Joe would be pleased,” she said. “I’m sure you’re right,” replied Jody, who lowered her voice and leaned in close. “How much did this really cost?” “All of it?” said Helen. “Thirty thousand.” “No!” Jody exclaimed. “I mean, it was very nice, but $30,000?!” Helen answered. “The funeral was $6,500. I donated $500 to the church. The wake, food and drinks were another $500. The rest went for the memorial stone.” Jody computed quickly. “$22,500 for a memorial stone? My God, how big is it?!” “Two and a half carats…”

Silly Joke #3 ( Five witty one liners)

I used to be addicted to soap…but I’m clean now…

“I stand corrected!” said the man in his new orthopedic shoes.

It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs. They always take things so literally.

What did the mayonnaise say when the refrigerator door was opened? “Close the door, I’m dressing!!!”

What do you call it when Batman skips church? Christian Bale.

Bonus Silly Joke

Fresh out of business school, the young man answered a want ad for an accountant. Now, he was being interviewed by a very nervous man who ran a small business that he had started himself. “I need someone with an accounting degree,” the man said. “But mainly, I’m looking for someone to do my worrying for me.” “Excuse me?” the accountant said. “I worry about a lot of things,” the man said. “But I don’t want to have to worry about money. Your job will be to take all the money worries off my back.” “I see,” the accountant said. “And how much does the job pay?” “I’ll start you at eighty thousand a year.” “Eighty thousand dollars!!!” the accountant exclaimed. “How can such a small business afford a sum like that?” “That,” the owner said, “is your first worry!”

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson