Category: Silly Joke Friday

Silly Joke #1

An elderly Muslim lady was well-known for her faith and for her confidence in talking about it. She would stand in front of her house and say “Allah be praised” to all those who passed by. Next door to her lived an atheist who would get so angry at her proclamations he would shout, “There ain’t no Lord!!” Hard times came upon the elderly lady, and she prayed for Allah to send her some assistance. She would pray out loud in her night prayer “Oh Allah! I need food!! I am having a hard time, please Lord, PLEASE LORD, SEND ME SOME GROCERIES!!” One night the atheist happened to hear her as she was praying, and decided to play a prank on her. The next morning the lady went out on her porch and found a large bag of groceries. She raised her hands and shouted, “Allah be praised!.” The neighbor jumped from behind a bush and said, “Aha! I told you there was no Lord. I bought those groceries, God didn’t.” The old lady laughed and clapped her hands and said, “ALLAH BE PRAISED. He not only sent me groceries, but he made the devil pay for them!”

Silly Joke #2

A little boy was afraid of the dark. One night his mother told him to go out to the back porch and bring her the broom.The little boy turned to his mother and said, “Mama, I don’t want to go out there. It’s dark.” The mother smiled reassuringly at her son. “You don’t have to be afraid of the dark,” she explained. “Jesus is out there. He’ll look after you and protect you.” The little boy looked at his mother real hard and asked, “Are you sure he’s out there?” “Yes, I’m sure. He is everywhere, and he is always ready to help you when you need him,” she said. The little boy thought about that for a minute and then went to the back door and cracked it a little. Peering out into the darkness, he called, “Jesus? If you’re out there, would you please hand me the broom?”

Silly Joke #3

A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the wife looks over at him and asks the question. 
WIFE: “What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?”
HUSBAND: “Definitely not!”
WIFE: “Why not? Don’t you like being married?”
HUSBAND: “Of course I do.”
WIFE: “Then why wouldn’t you remarry?”
HUSBAND: “Okay, okay, I’d get married again.”
WIFE: “You would?” (with a hurt look)
HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)
WIFE: “Would you live in our house?”
HUSBAND: “Sure, it’s a great house.”
WIFE: “Would you sleep with her in our bed?”
HUSBAND: “Where else would we sleep?”
WIFE: “Would you let her drive my car?”
HUSBAND: “Probably, it is almost new.”
WIFE: “Would you replace my pictures with hers?”
HUSBAND: “That would seem like the proper thing to do.”
WIFE: “Would you give her my jewelry?”
HUSBAND: “No, I’m sure she’d want her own.”
WIFE: “Would she use my golf clubs?”
HUSBAND: “No, she’s left-handed.”
WIFE: — silence-
HUSBAND: “sh*t.”

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson

Silly Joke #1

Harvey’s grandfather clock suddenly stops working right one day, so he loads it into his van and takes it to a clock repair shop.In the shop he meets a little old man who insists he is Swiss, yet has a noticeably heavy German accent. He asks Harvey, “Vat sims to be ze problem?” Harvey says, “I’m not sure, but it doesn’t go ‘tick-tock-tick-tock’ anymore. Now it just goes ‘tick…tick…tick.'” The old man says, “Mmm-Hm!” and steps behind the counter, where he rummages around a bit. He emerges with a huge flashlight and walks over the grandfather clock. He turns the flashlight on, and shines it directly into the clocks face. Then he says in a menacing voice, “Ve haf vays of making you tock!”

Silly Joke #2

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children. “You all have obsessions,” he observed. To the first mother, he said, “You are obsessed with eating sweets. You’ve even named your daughter Candy.” He turned to the second Mom. “Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child’s name, Penny.” He turns to the third Mom. “Your obsession is with alcohol. This too manifests itself in your child’s name, Brandy.” At this point, the fourth mother’s face suddenly turns red, but before the psychiatrist gets a chance to address her, she swiftly grabs her son’s hand and heads out the door, whispering to her son as she does, “Come on, Dick, it’s time to go!”

Silly Joke #3

A young couple, just married, were in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night. As they were undressing for bed, the husband — who was a big burly man — tossed his trousers to his bride and said, “Here, put these on.” She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body. “I can’t wear your trousers,” she said. “That’s right, said the husband, “and don’t you ever forget it. I’m the man who wears the pants in this family.” With that she flipped him her panties and said, “Try these on.” He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps. “Hell,” he said. I can’t get into your panties!” She replied, “That’s right, and that’s the way it’s going to stay until your attitude changes.”

A Bonus Silly Joke

Two nuns were driving down a country road when they ran out of gas. They walked to a farmhouse and a farmer gave them some gasoline; but the only container he had was an old bedpan. The nuns were happy to take whatever they were offered and returned to their car. As they were pouring the gasoline from the bedpan into the tank of their car, a minister drove by. He stopped, rolled down his window and said, “Excuse me, sisters. I’m not of your religion, but I couldn’t help admiring your faith….!”

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson

Silly Joke #1

Bill and Marla decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon intimate session with their ten-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities. The boy began to shout out his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation. “There’s a car being towed from the parking lot,” he yelled. “An ambulance just drove by.” Then a few moments passed.”Looks like the Andersons have company,” he continued. “Matt’s riding a new bike, and the Coopers are having sex.” Bill and Marla both gasped at the same time and immediately shot up in bed. “How do you know that?” the startled father hollered back. “Because their kid is standing out on the balcony too Dad!!!”

Silly Joke #2

Q: Why did Jeff decide to change his Facebook name to ‘No one’?

A: So, when he saw a stupid post from anyone from then on out, he could always click the like button and it will say ‘No one likes this’.

Silly Joke #3

A driver was racing down the road at a very high rate when suddenly he gets pulled over by a policeman. The police man approaches the driver’s door.
“Is there a problem Officer?”
The policeman said, “Sir, you were speeding. License and registration please.”
The driver responded, “I’d give my license to you but I don’t have one anymore.”
“You don’t have one?”
The man responded, “I lost it because of getting caught four times for drunk driving.”
The policeman is stunned. “I see. Well just hand me your vehicle registration then please.”
“I’m sorry, I can’t do that either.”
The policeman said, “Why not?”
“I stole this car.”
The officer reacted, “Stole it???”
The man said, “Yes, and I killed the owner too.”
At that, the officer exclaimed in horror. “You did what?!!!”
“He’s in the trunk if you want to see.”
The officer, knowing the situation now required back up, told him to remain seated in his car and slowly backed away to his patrol car to call for it. Within minutes, five other patrol cars showed up and surrounded the car. A senior officer slowly approached the vehicle, clasping his half-drawn gun, and yelled, “Sir, step out of your vehicle now and place your hands on the car!”
The man immediately got out of his vehicle, placed his hands on the car, and said, “Is there a problem officer?”
“One of my officers told me that you stole this car and murdered its owner.”
“Murdered the owner?”
The officer sternly responded, “Yes and I’m going to need you to open the trunk of this car right now!”
The man swiftly walked to the back of the car and opened the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty area.
The officer said, “Is this your car???”
The man responded, “Yes” and after getting permission, reached into his vehicle and quickly handed over the registration papers.
The officer, understandably, was quite stunned. “I was also told you don’t have a driving license???”
The man slowly dug into his pocket, pulled his wallet out, and handed it to the senior officer. When the senior officer opened it and examined its contents, he found a valid driver’s license for the man. He became very puzzled by that point. “Thank you, sir, I don’t understand though, as I was informed you didn’t have a license, that you stole this car, and murdered its owner.”
The man replied, “I have no idea why the officer would say any of that? Honestly, I’m just as shocked as you are right now. He probably told you I was speeding too?! May I please go now?”

Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson