Month: June 2013

The Gay Marriage Supreme Court Ruling

After a long battle and many months of speculation, the Supreme Court has finally made their ruling on two landmark battles over gay marriage. Not only can California same sex couples legally marry again, but all married same-sex couples in the country are entitled now to federal benefits with the Court’s overturn of the Defense of Marriage Act.

The real question though for most proponents of gay marriage is probably going to be what happens next for all those other states in the country where gay marriage isn’t legal. On some level, I guess I happen to be lucky in the eyes of many of those gay and lesbian people who live in those states, given that I already live in a place where same sex marriage is legal. What those people and many others as well still aren’t getting though, is that regardless of how many states approve gay marriage, and even if it somehow becomes a constitutional amendment one day, it won’t erase the racism and prejudice that many people still have in the United States.

So despite the fact that I live in a very proactive state which approved same sex marriage many years ago, if anyone spent enough time here, they would most likely see how there are still way too many individuals who despise gays and lesbians. I hear people all the time shouting angrily the words “fag”, “faggot”, or “dyke” to someone else. I often catch wind of news reports where a hate crime occurred with a gay individual or kids in school have being taunted and bullied just for acting slightly flamboyant or being suspected of being gay.

The sad reality is that I would go so far as to say that every law could be put into place which would create equal rights and protections for gays and lesbians but it still wouldn’t matter. There is far too great of a number in the United States who are currently raising their children to be hateful towards people like me. Even worse, as much as I love God and believe that the salvation of Christ exists, there are a ton of Christians who are driving much of this hate. Just recently, my sister who lives near Nashville, Tennessee, said that my 11 year old twin nephews were hanging out with a kid their own age who comes from a Christian family, and that he said he hated “fags’ and that God hated them too. She made sure to tell my nephews after that to not bring their gay Uncle up in conversation to him or anyone. It makes me sad that my family has to hide in fear of who I am just because of the hate that persists out there.

I’m happy though that the Supreme Court took a positive stand and steps in the right direction for gay and lesbian people with their ruling yesterday. But I believe the real work needs to be done on a more grass roots level. I’ve said this before in previous writings and I’ll say it again. Most of the resistance to embracing any legislation that supports same sex marriage is because of this hate that people have towards those with my sexuality. What’s ironic is that most of those driving this hate use God and the Bible as their weapons of division but what they are continuously being blinded from seeing is that God is about unconditional love and nothing else. Anyone who says otherwise, is usually just talking from a place of fear and ego.

Martin Luther King Jr. had it right when he gave unconditional love in the face of hate, violence, and anger coming at him. He led a wonderful movement of many people who supported him in this. Eventually, most of American’s hearts turned towards equal rights for men and women of color when they saw the destruction and loss of life that came from their hate. I have been taking a page in his book because of this, and I do my best today to love everyone equally, even those who may spit in my face, call me a “fag”, tell me I’m going to hell, or that God hates me. I realize they just learned this from someone else and know no better. Maybe I can be the first one to show them what real love is all about. And when enough gays and lesbians can practice this concept of loving everyone equally, including even those who look at them with hate, then maybe we’ll get a truly United States. One where it doesn’t discriminate on gender, race, national origin, religion, age, marital status, disability AND sexual orientation on any level and one where there doesn’t have to be a battle anymore for us to gain equal rights to get there.

Peace, love, light, and joy,

Andrew Arthur Dawson

“Open Relationships”

There are two words that are becoming more and more widely used in the gay culture today and they are “open relationships.” Unfortunately, those same two words are also undermining a road the gay community is already trying to take in gaining the full right to marriage.

I first came across the term “open relationship” a long time ago when I was active within a subsection of the gay community known as the “bear culture”. There, I began meeting couples in those circles who had “agreements” with their partner on what type of intimacy they could share with others outside of their relationship. Boundaries were made by each of those couples as to whether kissing, fondling, cuddling, or various depths of sexual acts with others was ok. Unfortunately, like this bear community which is all male, much of the rest of gay males also seem to be accepting these types of relationships as a normal and healthy option.

What’s sad about this is that I don’t see this happening so much in any other community that is not gay male based. Over the years, I have had met many couples in those other types of communities who have spent several decades or more monogamously with each other. There was never any “outside playing” going on, and if there was, it was usually considered adultery. So while a large amount of people are taking their fight all the way up to the Supreme Court of the United States to gain equal rights with gay marriage, it’s not putting forth a very convincing message when a growing number of relationships with two gay men are only staying together by opening up their relationship for intimacy with an outsider.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m sure in the Lesbian community as well as in the general Heterosexual community that some of this does go on as well, but those percentages are far smaller as compared to what is happening with gay males these days. And I really haven’t come to understand yet why two gay males have such a hard time settling down in a long term relationship monogamously. When I have asked couples who went to this “open status’ why they did so, I always get that they had grown bored over the years with their sex life and wanted to spice it up. If that is the case, then how come I rarely hear that happening with the heterosexual and lesbian couples I have met. They don’t talk about “playing around”. They don’t go to parties to fondle other people. They don’t go to bars to flirt with others. And yes, like I said before, I’m sure there are a select few who engage in an open relationship, but those numbers are so small as compared to the growing number of gay men today who are making this a common practice.

This is one of the main reasons why I don’t like going out to a gay bar anymore. It’s also why I don’t want to go to most other places either that will have a predominant amount of gay males at it. I have seen this same thing happen at gay social clubs, gay based churches, and even at things like gay parties during the holiday season. A few years ago, I went to a predominately gay male based Christmas party. There, I watched as many of those individuals in those relationships would grope, kiss, or flirt with others that weren’t their partner and no one thought anything of it.

If this is what works for most gay males, then I must not be a typical gay male. I have a partner today who I love dearly and the last thing I want to do is jeopardize that relationship by putting it front and center amongst those who wish to have relationships and connections like this. It’s my hope that I’ll be one of those couples that one day has twenty or more years of being monogamous.

I believe the best part of a monogamous relationship is the love that God can grow within it. And I have seen that when God is at the center of a relationship like the one I have now, I find more and more ways each and every day to love my partner. Will the sex and intimacy eventually not be as alluring…I don’t think the answer to that question really matters. I feel the real question is for all those couples having those open relationships to ask themselves why it is they feel they can’t be happy with one person and only one person on all levels including intimacy.

My conclusion is that for people who entertain the notion of open relationships and eventually succumb to them, that it’s not that they really have grown bored with the sex and intimacy in their existing relationship, it’s that they have fallen out of love with their partner and haven’t realized it yet or that they never were really in love in the first place and just didn’t want to be alone.

Sadly, all these “Open relationships” are doing now is nothing more than tearing down any efforts that are being made to show that gay people can have healthy, long term monogamous relationships. If we are ever going to get gay marriage to become legal in the entire United States, then we are going to have to show that we are a lot more than just sex and horny crazed people who go from one partner to the next.

All I can do is my part which I am now doing with my partner. The two of us have no desire to frequent most places anymore that gay males congregate at because of this decline in moral values that are happening in our culture such as these “open relationships”. And the sad reality in all of this is that I have yet to see any one of those types of relationships ever last for any long periods of time. Instead, what most often happens is that one of those people eventually leaves the relationship for someone they were “playing around” with. In that case in knowing this, is an “open relationship” really worth it then when it’s just a pre-cursor to the demise of the relationship in itself? I think that’s a question that all gay men need to seriously ponder, when they begin to feel the need to consider it as an option for the relationship they’re in.

Peace, love, light, and joy,

Andrew Arthur Dawson

AA Commitments

In the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) within Massachusetts, there is this thing that people take part in called a “Commitment”. When I first moved to this state, I had no idea what that was. My idea of an AA meeting was always where either one person just shared about their full story of addiction or where people just raised their hands and talked about whatever was on their minds. In this state though, things are done a little different, as many AA groups have monthly standing obligations on a calendar to go to other meetings, hospitals, detox centers, halfway houses, and prisons just to share about their recovery to others who have suffered or are still suffering from addictions. And each one of those obligations is what is referred to here as a “Commitment.”

It’s funny looking back now at the first commitment I came across in this state. In my first week of moving here, I had been invited to go to my closest friend’s home group which was on a Friday night in West Bridgewater. The group was named A New Way of Life and when I arrived there, having no knowledge of commitments or what they were about, I told my friend I needed to speak about what I was going through. When he informed me about these things called commitments and how a group was coming in that night to speak about their experience, strength, and hope in recovery, I told him I had a lot of that even though I didn’t. To me AA had always been about a dumping ground where one would lay out their garbage at everyone’s feet just to get it off their chest. I did this for years when I attended any meeting and this was what I was wanting to do that night as well. Prior to that night, all I had were twelve continuos years of being nothing more than a dry drunk with no hope and no recovery. I pushed him to convince this group, who I had no affiliation with, to let me speak anyway during this meeting. Ironically, I was called up to share, and when everyone was there to be inspired, all I managed to get out was my name, that I was an alcoholic and an addict, and that I was going to kill myself if I didn’t get help that night. Then I finished with nothing more than tears.

That was the beginning of my recovery and soon after, I started going out on those commitments with my friend’s group as I joined it that night. At first it was hard because I had nothing really positive to share, but over the years that followed since then, the more that I have worked on my recovery, the better my shares have become and the more people have listened. The less that I have worked on my recovery, the worse my shares have become and the less people have listened to me when I’m speaking. Over the past year, I have given 100% dedication to God and my recovery and in turn, have seen the benefits from that when I’ve gone on a commitment and shared.

Last night I actually got to go on one of these with my group when we had a standing commitment at a detox center in Weymouth. Before it came time for me to share, I prayed to have God’s words flow through me. I have found this really helps to focus on God’s will and not my will when I speak anywhere these days, especially on a commitment. So when my turn finally came at that detox center to convey my story, I believe that prayer helped me to get fired up with passion about my recovery. I spoke quite a bit about my closer relationship with God and how much work I’ve had to do to get to where I’m at in my sobriety. I mentioned how my addictions went way beyond just alcohol and drugs. And I offered hope to everyone by showing how far I’ve come since that first night in recovery when I convinced my friend and that group to allow me to speak on their commitment.

It seems as if everyone pays full attention to me today when I share in any type of meeting such as what I saw happen last night. I attribute that to the 100% I’m giving to God and my recovery now each and every day. An even better sign of my growth in recovery came last night when most people came up and shook my hand and a man named Will even asked for my phone number. In the past, I can remember many of these commitments where none of that ever happened.

I really live for this type of volunteer work now and look forward to each time I go on one of these speaking engagements. It’s my hope when I share now at any of them, that at least one person will be inspired enough to take more action in their recovery like Will did last night. I’m glad I’ve grown so much healthier from that ego-centric person who just needed to speak on someone else’s commitment all those years ago. There is a night and day difference between who I was then and who I am now when I go out with my group on any of them. I can only give that credit to the hard work I’ve placed in my recovery, and of course to God, who has solely guided me there.

Peace, love, light, and joy,

Andrew Arthur Dawson