Month: June 2013

Saying “I Love You…”, Do I Really Mean It?

Recently I have been watching the reality television show The Voice on NBC. Normally in its past seasons, I haven’t been keen to tune into it because of two of its judges who I’m not a big fan of. With their hiatus in Season 4, I have enjoyed seeing it for the first time but have noticed something on it that has disturbed me enough to write about it. There have been many cases where each of its judges, who are also referred to as coaches, have said the words “You know I love you…” to a singer after one of their performances. What has struck me as odd when I hear them say those words, is that I’m not really feeling as if it’s coming from their heart.

The word “love” itself is defined in the dictionary as an intense and deep affection. I thought about that in The Voice’s coaches constant usage of it towards their singers. Could they really have that intense and deep affection towards one of them? Of course they could but I think what has got me pondering this is that I hear them say those words to just about every singer on every show. How this comes across to me is the same way I once used those words throughout my life.

In some cases, I once told people I loved them just because I believed it would make them feel better. In other cases, I would say them to those only in part due to knowing they wanted to hear me say it towards them. But in both cases, those words were rarely sincere because deep down inside I didn’t feel any deeply intense affection towards those people, or myself for that matter. As a result, I hurt many of them as my actions that followed spoke way louder than my use of those words.

I can’t truly say what the actions are of those judges on The Voice who are professing some level of love towards the singers beyond the few hours of programming that I am shown.  Is there greater bonding that is happening where the coaches grow close to these singers? Do they reach out and show these singers their love is more than just saying some words after a performance? And when one of those contestants is eliminated, do they stay in contact with them and continue to try to help them? I can’t answer any of those questions because the show doesn’t tell me. The only thing I can address is how I use that phrase now in my own life.

Where I once used it in a selfish or self-seeking way, God has helped me to use it for the right reasons now. I love myself so much more today and when I say those words to someone else, it’s because I truly mean them from every facet of my soul. So when l say them to a bunch of strangers at a detox I’m speaking at for my volunteer work with Alcoholics Anonymous, it’s because I want them all to know I’m there to help them in any way I can and will if I’m given the chance. When I say them to my sister or her children, it’s because I feel so much closer to them now and would do anything I could to support them. As for my partner, I probably say them to him the most. So when I say them to him at the end of phone calls, going to bed at night, or just because, I really just want to make sure there’s no doubt in his mind that I love him, because I really do.

The point I’m trying to make here is that I don’t want to use the words “I Love You” anymore just because of a hidden agenda or trying to make someone else feel better. That did nothing more than cause undue pain and hurt to those I said them to and myself as well. Because of a deeper relationship with God today though, that has changed greatly. I have been shown more and more how we are all connected to each other on a soul level. Because of that, I find I want to say those words a whole lot more today and actually, I have been. There is a difference though in my use of them now. That difference is that I know I really mean them.

Peace, love, light, and joy,

Andrew Arthur Dawson

The Road To One’s Recovery Is Their Own

Have you ever been in a relationship with someone you loved so deeply but found yourself powerless to prevent that person from doing something that was continuing to harm themselves? Recently, I’ve had to face this dilemma with my partner over his weight issues.

First let me state for the record that I love my partner unconditionally, more than anyone I’ve ever dated before. My attraction to him is on every level, including his size, but lately I’ve become somewhat fearful about that very specific element. For him, those size issues began a number of years ago, when his mother had an untimely passing. During that period of time, he also lost his job and only source of income. To deal with the grief from both losses, food became his coping outlet and addiction where he managed to pack on over 100 pounds of additional weight of which he hasn’t been able to shed much of since.

Although some of my partner’s weight issues are genetic, a large part of them are actually due to mental and emotional stressors, like his mother’s passing, of which he has yet to let go of. While he has just started to become aware of this, he has shown some resistance to fully undertaking the work that is necessary to overcome them. Unfortunately, I continue to face the reality that it doesn’t help for me to point out those areas of work because when I do, it comes off as nagging and control.

While I’ve never been a chronic overeater nor seriously overweight in this lifetime, I have suffered from the throngs of many other addictions. Each of which have held me in their grip until I was truly ready to have a showdown with them face to face. No amount of interference from any outside party, including anyone that was close to me, ever made a difference. I didn’t slow down or stop my drinking or drugging because someone told me I needed to. I didn’t cease my promiscuity because someone told me it was unhealthy. I didn’t quit smoking, gambling, or doing any of the other addictions I was doing because of a single person’s input in my life. The work I did to deal and overcome each of those addictions came from me hitting rock bottom. When that happened, I became willing to do whatever it took to heal from them.

So here’s my deepest truth with this dilemma. I’m afraid of my partner hitting rock bottom with his overeating issues like I did with all of my addictions. None of mine ever ended very pretty. And because of that, I continue to try to prevent my partner from hitting his rock bottom with the one addiction he still faces by commenting on what he eats, how much he eats, and the frequency he eats. This accomplishes nothing more than increasing his anger and irritability towards me and sometimes even more of the addiction itself. What’s funny is that I already know this is going to happen when I act this way towards him. It’s how I would have reacted when anyone did the same to me with one of my addictions. So as I sat on the couch the other night shortly before bedtime and watched him become hungry and eat several weight watchers bars and then desire a salad but pass on that and instead consume a bagel with cream cheese, I felt totally powerless, helpless, and fearful to do or say anything.

That fear is increased even more with the fact that both of my partner’s parents died at relatively young ages in today’s standards with his father having been in his early 50’s and his mother, in her early 60’s. Now that my partner is in his early 50’s himself, my mind has gone to dark places when I see him eating those bagels, or chips, or desserts, or anything that isn’t really healthy for a person trying to lose weight. While he has managed to go weekly to Weight Watchers, his loss of pounds has been stagnant at times much of which is due to him not being willing to let go of some of those cravings and indulgences. Weight Watchers has a set number of points that can be consumed daily and weekly and often my partner will max out those points. It’s hard for me to watch him become baffled when he weighs in and see’s there’s been little change when I know that greater sacrifices are needed for him to get to where he wants.

Given the fact that I understand the disease of addiction, I have had to seriously apply some of that knowledge to what my partner is currently going through. I didn’t drink alcohol or take drugs or smoke cigarettes or gamble or be promiscious because I wanted to. I did it because I had to. The sad reality was that for the longest time I didn’t want to deal with those demons that were driving me to do those addictions in the first place. And I wasn’t willing to do the work that was necessary to let them go because I knew it was going to be painful. My partner has his own demons to deal with which are still leading him to his unhealthy eating habits and increased size. And until he becomes willing to face all of those demons, it will remain next to impossible to reach his desired weight.

I really just want the best for him. I want him to find a life free from those demons like I am trying to find from my own. And I want him to live a healthy life with me for many more years to come. But at the same rate, I can’t make him do the hard work that is necessary to overcome his addiction. I can’t tell him that willpower will never work. I can’t show him that he needs to put God more in the driver’s seat and pray only for His will. But most importantly, I can’t do any of the work he’s going to have to do to get through this addiction and conquer it once and for all.

Al-Anon teaches people to detach with love when it comes to caring for someone who is active in any addiction. It’s just so difficult to sit back and let my partner continue to do what he’s doing especially when I see a few positive steps that can be done to overcome it for him. But as the Serenity Prayer states, it is something I have to accept I cannot change. I am doing my best to apply that principle and often find myself needing to pray especially when I trip up and try to do some more controlling behaviors surrounding his addiction.

Thankfully, it seems as if God has answered one of those prayers. My partner finally went to an Overeater’s Anonymous meeting the other night and really made a great connection there. I hope it’s just the beginning to a new way of life for him. I really do. One that will bring him closer to God. And one that will help him reach a healthier weight by releasing the demons of his past. Regardless of whatever happens, I will always love him and will continue to do my best to support him by letting him find his way to his own recovery just like I had to.

Peace, love, light, and joy,

Andrew Arthur Dawson

The Mind Body Connection

I used to think my mind and body functioned completely separate. Most of my life up until my 30’s were spent feeling that way. If I had bodily ailments, I told myself that they were just physical based and went to the doctor’s to deal with it. If I had mental or emotional ailments such as anxiety or depression, I went to a shrink to figure out why. What I never realized for the longest time was just how interconnected they both were to each other.

After my father’s suicide in 1996, I developed the symptoms of Fibromyaliga and attempted to treat it solely on a physical level. When nothing got better for me, someone suggested that I read a book named ‘The Mind Body Connection” by a Dr. John Sarno. After reading it, I started to have more acceptance in the concept that physical pains can come from mental and emotional imbalances. The author hypothesized that many of our physical pains originate in the mind and can go away if we focus in on finding and healing its mental and emotional causes. I found a practitioner who believed in this method of treatment and began to delve into my childhood life which was plagued with a family filled with alcoholism and mental disorders. I never wanted to face those issues nor talk about them to anyone during most of my my life up until then. The more that I walked through my father’s suicide and the dysfunctionality of my early family life, the less my body had those general aches and pains which came with Fibromyaliga.

Later, as I matured I stopped working on myself and started spending most of my time hanging out with an unhealthy crowd. My closest friends during that time were ones who were committing adultery, talking about sex more than not, getting drunk or high on alcohol or drugs, gossiping often, and prone to greed and gluttony. Over time, I became like them and eventually grew depressed and anxious again. Sadly, I didn’t listen to those symptoms as warning signs and continued to do the same toxic behaviors with those unhealthy friends. The Fibromyalgia symptoms returned except I didn’t take them as warning signs mostly because I was stubborn. When my body developed even worse levels of it, along with severe sciatica on my left side, and prostatitis, I finally listened and began to clean my act up. I removed all those toxic people out of my life and began a spiritual routine that I have continued doing so every day since. I also started going to therapy again and discussed what had driven me to a desire to even be with those types of people in the first place. Thankfully, that helped to reduce my mental and emotional pains. There are days that the physical pains have felt slightly less too and I know it’s only a matter of time before they go away completely. The key lesson though that I’ve learned in all of this is that the mind and body are truly connected to each other. I was sick mentally and emotionally and wasn’t doing anything about it. My body was smart enough to realize that. To get my attention, it created severe physical pains. The more that I have dealt with those things that initially caused my mental and emotional imbalances, the healthier I am getting in every single area of my life.

I’ve begun to see this mind body connection manifesting in others now as well. Recently, my partner shared with me that his sister had developed severe pain in one of her hips. She was extremely concerned and in tremendous pain. It had come on overnight and he had taken her to the doctor’s office for an emergency visit and evaluation. After getting some x-rays, her course of action was to get a prescription of painkillers and have bed rest. Unfortunately, none of it involved talking about those things that have been going on in her life lately such as the extremely codependent relationship she’s been in with someone who refuses to take care of himself. Or the fact that she had her husband leave her two years ago after two decades of marriage when he decided to come out of the closet. Instead of working through that pain, she jumped into one relationship after another to where she has stayed since. If you think about the hip, it’s primary function is to support a person. She’s been so concerned about supporting the people she dates and has not focused on supporting herself and working through any of her mental and emotional stressors. Somehow I think her mind is sending her physical body a message to get her attention that she needs to support herself.

Like her, it took a lot for my mind to get my attention. My pain had to become great enough before I was willing to shift my focus away from being with all those unhealthy people. When it did, I understood that the one person I hadn’t taken care of and needed to was me. I believe the same holds true for my partner’s sister who needs to focus all her attention on taking care of herself now. Hopefully she will listen to the message and not fall back into the same patterns. I have a good feeling her physical pain will begin to reduce if she does.

Physical bodies aren’t always sick just because they’re sick. People don’t just get anxious or depressed for no reason. Doctors often say in both cases they do. But I disagree. I have a much stronger relationship with God today who has been helping me to see just how closely interconnected the mind and body are to each other. My journey now is to keep doing what I need to stay healthy and do my best to stick with those who are doing the same.

Peace, love, light, and joy,

Andrew Arthur Dawson