When life feels most out of control as based upon the events unfolding around us, doesn’t it seem to be in our human nature to want to grasp some type of control any where we can find it? The problem in doing this though, is that it can create a chain reaction of others wanting to do the very same thing and I was able to see this very clearly the other night from my own actions.
This all began a few nights ago when I attended a men’s group for a self-empowerment type of organization I’ve been a part of since 1999. While I’m obviously not new to this organization, I am a new member to this group as I only started attending it two months earlier. When I arrived the other night, there were several men congregating in the kitchen of the church we meet at bi-weekly. Walking past them, I said hello and went into the room where the actual meeting takes place. As I sat in my seat and waited for the meeting to begin, the clock ticked past the meeting’s 7pm start time. I began to feel myself growing more and more irritated as each minute passed by that it wasn’t getting underway. Fifteen minutes later, the people from the kitchen strolled in and the meeting was able to begin. I could feel the anger seething within me because of it and what happened next was that domino effect of how my attempts at control caused others to want their own control.
For at least the first thirty minutes of that meeting, I held it hostage as I expressed my total dissatisfaction of how some men were waiting for the meeting to begin while the others were socializing in the kitchen. I spent a tremendous amount of energy attempting to discipline the group and create a platform for ensuring it starts the next time promptly at 7pm. What I didn’t realize was how much it was angering all those who had been a part of that group for years and that this was how they have always operated. But even more importantly, what I was completely oblivious to was the fact that I was attempting to exert control on this group for only one reason. That reason was directly related to the fact that I have felt very out of control in my life since my partner’s infidelity was brought to the surface just over a week ago.
So as I sat there and tried to change the meeting to fit my wants and needs, other men began to speak up out of irritation and anger because of it. One man even went so far as to say that he would leave the group if it was going to become as rigid as I was trying to make it. I can honestly say now that I don’t blame that man for feeling the way he did as he expressed his anger. Having been a member of that group for a very long time, he showed me in his own way how my attempts at control were not really about the group, they were more about what I was trying to avoid inside. You see, the whole time I held that group hostage and attempted to change and control it, I wasn’t focusing on the fact that my life has felt so very out of control since I discovered my partner’s indiscretion. Essentially, my efforts to control that group were merely my ego’s attempts to distract me from the pain I felt inside from his cheating on me. I basically took my lack of control in one situation and tried to replace it with control somewhere else. In the process of doing so, I took control away from others thus giving them a charge. This in turn motivated them to do exactly what I was doing, which was to take back control of their lives in some way.
This is why controlling anything doesn’t work. Doing so does nothing more than driving one person after another to seek control down the line somewhere else in their lives. And the end result for everyone involved is a world filled with a lot more anger and irritation and a lot less love and light.
I learned a very valuable lesson with all of this the other night and I’m grateful to God because of it. I know my ego right now feels like things are totally out of control because of not only my partner’s infidelity, but also because of my chronic physical pain. But I also know now in trying to grab control somewhere else in my life, that it will only end up causing someone else to have that same exact desire. Ending this domino effect begins with this awareness. The real work though is to make sure the next time the ego feels out of control that the only action taken is practicing acceptance…
Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson