Have you ever been in some type of a relationship where you feel like you’re the one doing all the work? It’s not a good feeling is it? Normally when this happens, doesn’t it feel a lot like you are being taken advantage of by the other person? That’s not a good feeling at all is it? Or have you have been the one in some type of a relationship to sit back and criticize the other person for how bad you feel things have gotten in the connection where you tell them what they need to work on constantly? Doing this doesn’t leave a good feeling inside either as it often leaves a negative taste in one’s soul. It took me a long while to figure out that no matter what type of relationship I’m ever in, it will involve a lot of work if I want to see it grow.
While I did spent a long time expecting those I was in relationship with to change with me hardly changing at all, lately its seems as if I’ve been on the other side of the coin receiving those very same behaviors from someone else. The most recent example was just last week when my partner’s brother’s wife was expressing some of her disapproval of me. When I mentioned to her that I was wiling to do whatever work was necessary to improve her’s and my connection, but that it would take some work on her part as well, her response to me was quite blunt. She said she was sorry if it hurt my feelings by saying that she didn’t feel the need to do any work right now in her life with anything because she was quite happy with how things were. What she didn’t realize in that moment was that she put a dagger in the potential for any positive growth to ever occur between us. Thus, no matter how much work I put into that connection with her, it wouldn’t meet her approval because she has already accepted within herself that I’m the one that needs to change and not her. And sadly, this is how many relationships go.
I once was very guilty of being just like my partner’s brothers wife. Many years ago, I can remember yelling at my ex-partner that he needed to see a therapist and do a lot more work to make our relationship better. Ironically, at the same time, I was refusing to look in the mirror and see how many character defects were still active within me and attacking him daily. Thus, I was just as much at fault over the deterioration of that relationship.
When one person in a relationship is doing all the work to grow and the other is doing very little or none at all, it’s when things begin to fall apart. It’s when the distance starts growing between two people until they are doing nothing more than fighting and complaining with each other. When enough of that happens, that’s when friendships end, partnerships dissolve, people that are dating break up, or married couples go to divorce. The bottom line is that when two people are in any type of relationship, it’s a team effort. There is an equal amount of give and take. Unfortunately, what often happens is one person starts doing all the giving and one person starts doing all the taking where that does nothing more than create a lot of resentments for one or both of the parties involved in the connection. I have watched so many friendships and intimate relationships in my life fail for these reasons.
Today, I am doing everything I can to spiritually grow in my life closer to God and the Light. In doing so, I am continuously seeing areas in my relationships where I can positively grow there too. I’ve realized that I can’t do the other people’s work that I’m in relationships with and I have to leave that up to them. With my partner’s brother’s wife, she’s already made her decision and I know that any possibility at the present time of a better connection with her is dead. With my partner himself, he sees how important it is to work on himself because the more I grow and the less he does, the more apart we’ll become.
So if you want to have your friendships, partnerships, marriages, or whatever your type of relationships you’re in continue to grow and endure over time, I encourage you to take a moment, breathe, and realize it involves work on both parts to make this happen. By sitting back and thinking the other person in your connection has all the issues and that you are completely void of them, think again. There’s always work you can do to help it grow. But if you are the one who is putting forth a majority of the effort to grow your connection, and the other person is doing very little or none at all, maybe it’s time to start accepting that relationship’s demise. Either way, I hope you can clearly see now how it takes two to tango to make any type of relationship grow…
Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson