I’m sure just about everyone on this planet has had someone screaming or yelling at them at some point or another in their lifetime. So it’s really not a question of whether one has gone through this or not, it’s more of a question on how one handles it when it happens. In other words, how much self-restraint do you you have when someone is standing in front of you spitting fire your way?
Self-restraint is really all about self-control and discipline and it can be applied to just about anything in life including when someone is sending their anger your way. Over time, I have learned there are several different paths I can take when a situation like this happens. Through trial and error though, I leave seen only one of them is the best for practicing healthy self-restraint.
For much of my life, I had no self-restraint with anything, especially when someone was sending their anger my way. The path I took quite frequently when that happened was to send my own anger right back. So if someone was screaming at me, I’d scream back, but even louder. If they were yelling at me, I’d yell back all the more. And so on and so forth. But I learned this path never made me feel any better each time I took it. Instead, I felt a hangover from the anger and rage I spewed out and even worse, it led me to carrying a resentment inside towards the other person even long after my temper calmed down. I believe this path would be considered the extreme opposite of practicing self-restraint because none of that was demonstrated in my actions.
Another path I took almost as much of the time when someone was sending anger my way was to endure it completely, take ownership of its cause even if I wasn’t at fault, and silently scorn the other person and myself later for it. This path’s origin began with how I dealt with my mother’s anger towards me. Later it moved into how I handled so many of the people I chased after or was obsessed with in my life on a sexual level when they got angry at me. While this path does show some level of self-restraint, it still was not a healthy one to take. That’s only because of the fact I always took full ownership of someone else’s anger even when I played no part in causing it. And the fact that this path carried a resentment for me towards both the other person and myself shows it wasn’t one that demonstrated a healthy self-restraint either.
Less often taken in my life when someone was sending anger my way is the path where I would walk away and take a time out from it until the other person could calm down and speak in a lower decibel. Doing this is definitely practicing a healthier form of self-restraint but it’s extremely difficult to do because the ego often doesn’t like to do it. Instead, it tries to convince the brain how wrong the other person is while being yelled at. And then it has often led into taking one of the other paths where there was little to no self-restraint. Also what proved to be extremely difficult in taking this path was that the anger frequently returned as soon as I was back in the same room as the other person. So while this path may be one based on more self-restraint, it had it’s downfalls.
The path least taken in my life and the one I believe holds the most self-restraint is the one where I have been able to maintain total silence during the entire time someone is yelling at me. But what’s different in this path is how I handled it after they stopped yelling. That’s when I’ve spoken to them in a completely calm voice and looked for any part I may have played in the situation. Upon finding any part I may have played in it, I ask for their forgiveness. But if I still believed I had no part in it, I would acknowledge their anger first and then I would tell them I was willing to mutually work on growing a healthier relationship with them. In most cases when I’ve followed this path, both parties involved generally emerged feeling much better and more calm. That is why I know this path carries the healthiest form of self-restraint. The following is the best example I have in my life for when I’ve practiced a similar form of healthy self-restraint.
Many years ago I ruined a surprise birthday party for a friend by accident because I had forgotten it was a surprise. I had called this friend prior to the party asking the time and location where she indicated she had no idea there was even a party being held for her. When I showed up later at the party, I immediately went to her and asked for her forgiveness where she responded that she wasn’t mad and was just happy I was there. But upon walking outside, the woman who had organized the party approached me and gave me a serious verbal lashing. There she spend several minutes yelling at me by saying how I had some nerve showing up at the party after ruining the surprise. Many others were watching this event take place but when she was done screaming, I could tell they were all taken aback by how I handled it. I calmly responded to her that it was definitely a mistake on my part and that I was sorry for ruining the surprise part of it. I then told her that I had already received forgiveness from my friend celebrating her birthday and that I hoped she could forgive me as well. She huffed and puffed a few times, couldn’t get a single word out, and then walked away as she knew her anger at that point, was only her anger to work through.
Today I am trying to do this a lot more and don’t get me wrong, it’s tough. Sometimes I fall back into my old patterns, and other times I have almost matched how I handled myself in that example. Either way, I can see my self-restraint is growing the more work I put into my spirituality and my relationship to my Higher Power.
Dealing with someone else’s anger with healthy self-restraint is a very difficult thing to do but I know it can be done. So the next time you find yourself in a situation where someone is throwing anger your way, I encourage you to take a moment, breathe, and try to remain completely silent until they stop yelling. When they are done, look within and see if you can find any cause for it. If you do, seek forgiveness from them and don’t ask them for the same as that’s for them to figure out. And if you still feel you have no part in the anger’s cause, tell the person you love them and are willing to work on developing a healthier relationship with them. You will probably find yourself feeling so much better by doing all of this and I can definitely promise you one thing in doing so. It will feel a whole lot better than if you decide to just yell and scream your way through it, or carry silent scorn and resentments later.
Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson
I believe that sitting there and listening is not a good thing for myself or the other person. This is letting yourself be abused and allowing the other person to act out. I have learned that walking away is the best for both and after a time out of calming ask the other person if they are open to a conversation and state the boundaries of the conversation before putting both of us in another abusive and destructive situation. Asking for permission from a person is most important for myself and them to achieve a peaceful respect and possible relationship.
I can totally understand your perspective and appreciate looking at it from your point of view!