There is a lot of deception going on out there in this world. It happens every day all around us on so many levels. It may even be happening to you right now as we speak. But most recently, it happened to a very close friend of mine and it truly broke his heart.
It’s been almost 20 years now that I’ve known this friend. We met in college around my junior year and he became the first person in my life to help me understand my sexuality a lot better. Ironically though, I came out of the closet before him. Over the years that followed that, I have watched my connection with this friend wax and wane. Much of that was due to my own addictions that I lived in, but somehow our friendship was able to survive through it all.
I would call this friend more of an introvert than an extrovert due to his shy and reserved personality. And part of me has wondered if that’s why he frequently had trouble meeting someone that he could spend his life with. Five years ago though, all that changed for him when he finally met someone special. I was initially very happy for him because my friend’s track record with those he previously dated wasn’t very good. Many of those he ended up with just seemed to use and abuse him on some level. I was glad to hear that wasn’t the case though with this older man.
But as my friend’s relationship with this man began to develop, I really began to question that man’s authenticity. They had strange communication between the two of them, as they never talked on the phone. Yet they communicated via multiple e-mails every single day without ever missing a single beat. My friend was also never asked by this man to come visit his home. It would only ever be infrequent trips to my friend’s house as based upon this man’s rare availability. All of that raised a lot of red flags within me and I constantly expressed my concern about it to my friend again and again. I finally had to come to a level of acceptance because it wasn’t my relationship and if it was working for my friend, then so be it. But deep down I felt sad as I knew my friend had the same concerns as me about his relationship, except he was too afraid to rock the boat.
For someone like him, who had such terrible experiences in all his previous relationships, the idea of potentially losing the good he had was too difficult for him to ponder. So he stayed uncomfortably comfortable and treasured what little moments he together with this man. For all the time they did get together, they were a couple who did many activities together including camping, apple picking and much more. My friend even introduced him to his parents, which was a huge thing for him to do. Overall, they shared a tremendous amount of love, fun, and laughter together but their lack of communication always made me question it’s legitimacy.
One day I started praying for my friend because of my doubts about his relationship. I began asking God to guide him to seek the real truth about the man he was dating. While I didn’t know what that real truth was, my motivation to pray was that I knew my friend wanted more but didn’t know how to ask for it. Thankfully though, just before Thanksgiving, that prayer was answered when my friend found the motivation and courage to seek that truth by doing some Internet research. Unfortunately, while he was hoping to find out nothing, what he did find out what much more than he bargained for.
The long and short of it was that this man he was dating was actually married to a woman for over 30 years, had a completely different name, was ten years older than he had claimed, had two fully grown children, and didn’t even live in the area he stated he was from. On some level, I know this is partially my friend’s fault for letting the deception go on for years, especially knowing he always had his own doubts about it. But, what concerns me the most about what happened is how many people got hurt in the selfish actions of this man’s deception.
First there was my friend who got hurt as he had fallen in love with this man and it broke his heart to find out the truth. Then there’s the wife who currently has no idea what’s really going on. I can only imagine her pain that will come on the day when she finds out the real truth about her husband. Then there’s everyone else this man is deceiving including his children, friends, and anyone else he might be sleeping around with.
Sadly, this isn’t an isolated incident either. There are so many websites out there that allow married men to live a life of deception like this. I should know because I used to peruse a few of those sites back in the days where I met too many of them. They were constantly wanting to have flings on the side while their wives were out for the evening or out of town for a few days. Or they just wanted to come over to my house while they lied to their wife about some obligation they had to keep. None of them ever went as far as saying they were gay either. It was always that they were bi-sexual or just curious and exploring. And none of them felt they were cheating either because they claimed they weren’t being sexual with a woman. In their minds, being with man was just a cheap sexual act for their own quick gratification. And I made the mistake of giving into another man’s deception like this and spent two years of my life getting sick and toxic because of it.
I’m grateful I have no desire to ever partake in something like that ever again. It’s my hope that my friend will feel the same as me now given he knows the real truth about his relationship. The sad thing is that sometimes people still go back to those toxic relationships, even knowing this, because they are too afraid to be totally alone. I’m not sure what’s going to happen from here for my friend but I pray for his strength to fully let this man go for good. My friend deserves so much better in his life and frankly, doing anything with this man now would only be helping to continue that man’s deception.
I honestly don’t know why there are such a growing number of married men out there who are choosing to deceive their wives by sleeping around with other men. The only thing I do know is that it’s selfish, self-centered, toxic, and unspiritual to do so. It also creates a lot more darkness in this world through each lie these married men tell to get what they want. Hopefully one day, all of this gay deception by married men will be fully exposed so that they can know the true pain they are causing the world in doing it…
Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson