Lately, it seems as if the topic of monogamy has been coming up in the conversations I’ve been having with others. I’m also noticing that when it has, the definition of monogamy seems to differ for each and every individual. In my case, I’ve come to believe the definition of one’s monogamy is directly related to their spirituality.
According to the dictionary, the definition of monogamy is “The practice or condition of having a single sexual partner during a period of time.” While that may seem like a pretty cut and dry definition, I allowed my ego to tell me over the course of three monogamous relationships that it was open for much greater interpretation. As my spirituality has evolved though, so has my understanding of what monogamy really means.
The first time I was in a monogamous relationship was from the winter of 1995 to the winter of 1997. During that time my Higher Power was far from in charge of guiding my life. In fact, my addictions were. When the newness of that relationship wore off, in other words “the romance phase”, I began looking for a “fix” elsewhere. I made fast friendships with those I was attracted to and poured my heart out to many of them when things weren’t going well in my relationship. I flirted with them as well, and even went so far as sexually hitting on them without crossing the physical barrier. In my mind, this was completely harmless given that I hadn’t done any physical contact with any of them. Eventually, that relationship crumbled when I broke up for one of those friends I had been lusting over.
The second time I was in a monogamous relationship was from the summer of 1998 to the spring of 2000. During that time, my Higher Power had a slightly larger percentage of guiding my life. I had found a place of worship and regularly attended it at the time. I also joined a spiritual men’s organization to help me grow. But like before, when the newness wore off of that relationship, I started watching porn on the Internet, I went out to bars and flirted with others, and I started bringing back into my life various people I lusted over. Once again, I thought it was completely harmless given there was no physical contact with anyone. And just like my first relationship, this one eventually crumbled too with me breaking up to go be with another friend I was lusting over.
The third time I landed in a monogamous relationship was one I thought would never end. It began late in the summer of 2000 right around the same time I discovered the power of prayer and meditation. Also at that time, I stepped up my activity in that spiritual men’s group, with my therapy visits, as well as going to a new place of worship that I became a Deacon at. When that initial gushy-gushy phase ended, I made a choice to stick with the spiritual things that were working for me and I found my love growing even deeper for that partner. Several years went by where I fully believed I’d spend my life with that partner. But everything changed when we bought a business together in a remote area that took me away from almost all of the spiritual work I was doing on a daily basis. Within a short period of time, I started relying less on my Higher Power to guide my life, and more on myself. Sadly, that’s when I started going back to my old behaviors of having flirtatious friendships with others I was attracted to, of staring at porn for hours on end, and gratifying myself with many fantasies of other people who weren’t my partner. In the spring of 2007, I left that partner for the same reason why I left the previous two, to sleep with one of the friends I had lusted over.
I’d go on and date several others over the course of the next 5 years. With each of them though, I drifted completely away from even the cut and dry definition the dictionary gives of monogamy. The only reason why is that I allowed my addiction filled life to take complete control and with it came a very strong ego that did what it wanted and had justifications for everything. One of those told me that because the person lived long distance I could occupy my time in between seeing them with whatever sexual things I wanted to do.
In the spring of 2012, this warped personal definition of monogamy would completely change. At that time, I gave my entire will and life over to my Higher Power and since then, I truly have. I spend several hours each day now doing my own tailored spiritual routine, and I also ask my Higher Power every morning to guide ALL of my thoughts words, and actions.
I have a new monogamous relationship again and my spirit has been very clear on what the definition of monogamy needs to be. It doesn’t fall under “when the partner’s away, I can play.” Neither does it fall under “what he doesn’t know won’t hurt him.” Being monogamous means being with my partner mind, body, and soul. In other words, no porn, no friendships I’m lusting over or flirting with, no sexual fantasizing of others, no online or on the phone sex chats, and no going to bars alone either.
While everyone probably has his or her own definition of what monogamy is, my Higher Power has clearly shown me in my spirit over the years what it wasn’t. I know as long as I keep placing my Higher Power first in my life, I’ll be able to stay away from those things my ego once said were ok. In doing so, I’m positive I’ll remain monogamous, as I allow my spirit to continuing defining it for me from now on…
Peace, love, light, and joy,
Andrew Arthur Dawson